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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29388927">hamartia</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny'>andtheny</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Five is a problem solver [13]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amnesia, Bickering, Dysfunctional Family, Everyone Has Issues, For the most part, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Mental Illness, Mentions of past suicide threats, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, POV Alternating, POV Number Five | The Boy, POV Vanya Hargreeves, So much bickering, Therapy, copious Greek mythology references, honestly, not enough therapy, successful communication</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:07:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>34,050</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29388927</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Why is the English language so inadequate? Five wondered.</p><p>Every language is inadequate, Dolores said. English isn't any better or worse. </p><p>___________________</p><p>Or, Five adjusts to his new life. Post memory wipe.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy &amp; The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Five is a problem solver [13]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>152</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>109</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Time management</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> One's inner clock is set to an exclusively private time. Life is lived in a different time zone. Caught in between is one's family. To protect them from the internal clock, one risks alienating them; to include them, one risks intrusion.  </em>
</p><p><em> ― </em> <em> Yiyun Li </em></p><p>
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</p><p>It was a strange situation and an even stranger family. What made things all the more difficult was the distance. Allison’s siblings lived in New York, so staying on good terms with them involved a lot of phone calls. </p><p><em> They’re </em> <b> <em>your</em> </b> <em> siblings too. </em></p><p>There it was again. That voice. It sounded like a woman. When it spoke, it even sounded reasonable... at times. But Five knew better. It was an auditory hallucination. </p><p><em> Both can be true, </em> it said. <em> Please, don’t call me an ‘it.' I’m Dolores.  </em></p><p>“Shut up,” Five said. </p><p>She did not shut up.</p><p>
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</p><p>The more he learned about the Hargreeves, the odder they seemed. They'd all been adopted and, allegedly, had each been born on the same day under fantastical circumstances. Himself included. </p><p><em> It's not that fantastical, </em> Dolores said. <em> You certainly can't find it all that hard to believe, considering your own abilities?  </em></p><p>Teleporting was as natural as breathing. Five often forgot it was an unusual power, but Dolores was always… available… to remind him of his own warped perception. </p><p><em> I just think it bears repeating, </em> Dolores said. <em> You're unique. And The Umbrella Academy shares this with you.  </em></p><p>"I don't think they like being referred to as the 'Umbrella Academy'," Five said. "Shouldn't you use their family name?" </p><p><em> You mean </em> <b> <em>your </em> </b> <em> family name?  </em></p><p>"Right," Five said. "I use it so rarely, I forget it's also my last name." </p><p><em> Reasonable, </em> Dolores said. <em> Under these circumstances.  </em></p><p>The circumstances in question: selective amnesia. His life, as he currently knew it, began on October 24th, 2019. </p><p>Allison had been reluctant to explain the circumstances, but Five knew this much: she herself had implemented the memory loss. Her own ability involved a type of hypnosis and she'd used it under his orders. </p><p><em> Why </em>had he required such a thing? </p><p>No one would say. </p><p><em> What </em>had he decided to forget? </p><p>His entire life, apparently. A life that had stretched the span of either fifty nine or thirteen years, depending on who he asked. </p><p><em> It's complicated, </em> Dolores said. <em> Both are accurate, in different ways.  </em></p><p>"I guess I'm <span>Schrödinger's</span> boy," Five said. "A walking anomaly." </p><p>And a doppelganger, but Five didn't like to devote thought to that… abnormality. His alternate self remained in New York and Five did not interact with him. </p><p>On one occasion, and one occasion only, he asked Allison to reverse the mysterious hypnosis. More than anything else, it was curiosity that prompted him to suggest it. </p><p>"Absolutely not," Allison said. </p><p>"Why not?" </p><p>"You told me not to." </p><p>"Now I'm telling you the opposite." </p><p>Allison groaned. "You warned about this. You said your own curiosity would get the better of you, but that… that I have to be firm." </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"I'm only telling you because you… you told me to," Allison said. "Before. You said it was the only thing that would convince you to give up." </p><p>"Alright," Five said. "What is 'it' exactly?" </p><p>"You threatened to kill yourself," Allison said. "If I undo the Rumor, you'll… you'll do that." </p><p>Five frowned. </p><p>Allison wasn't looking at him. She glared at her hands, jaw set, and a single tear delicately escaped from the corner of her eye. </p><p>"I see," Five said. "I won't bring it up again." </p><p>"Thank you," she said, tightly.  </p><p>
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</p><p>With such a large family, Five was at a loss. Most of them were in New York, much to his relief, but they were ruthless in their efforts to "maintain a relationship." </p><p>Five left his phone on silent because it rang too much. He had given up on every single ringtone in the phone's selection, ultimately deciding the sound was unnecessary. </p><p>Whenever his phone rang, the screen would light up, and it always leapt out in his peripheral vision. He would answer and not suffer the incessant ringing for even a moment. </p><p>Yet each time someone called, Five debated… did he <em> have </em>to answer?</p><p><em> You don't remember, </em> Dolores said. <em> But you love them. If you'd just take the time to reacquaint- </em></p><p>"I'm tired of your nagging," Five said. "Do you have an off button?" </p><p>Allison, who had been quietly reading through one of her scripts on the other side of the room, looked over at him with a puzzled frown. "Excuse me?" </p><p>"Not you," Five said. </p><p>Looking alarmed, Allison stood up. "Then who?" she demanded. </p><p><em> Lie, </em> Dolores said. <em> Answer the call. Quick!  </em></p><p>The urgency in her voice sent an adrenaline spike through him. Five quickly did as he was told. </p><p>Allison strode towards him and he held up his phone nonchalantly. </p><p>The caller: a nice enough girl. Her name was Vanya. Her voice drifted out through the phone's speaker, "Hello? Five?" </p><p>Allison chuckled nervously. "Oh… I thought… don't be rude to Vanya." </p><p>Five pressed the phone to his ear. "I apologize for my rudeness." </p><p>"It's okay," Vanya said. "Um, how are you?" </p><p>"Good," Five said. </p><p>Allison nodded to herself, sighed, and returned to her previous seat. It was a beautiful lounge chair; the type that brought to mind a fictional protagonist who would lay down in existential angst, pontificating to a therapist of some kind. </p><p>Five squinted at the lounge chair, an association tickling the back of his mind. </p><p>Vanya was speaking, but the words floated over his head like a… like advice from a therapist, which he… wanted to ignore…</p><p>Five glared at the lounge chair. </p><p>Then Dolores said, <em> forget about the chair! </em> </p><p>Five wished he could <em> see </em> Dolores. See her, shove her, get rid of her. She was becoming a nuisance. </p><p><em> I'm sorry, </em> Dolores said. <em> But you mustn't… you have to be careful. Allison knows who I am, but she was hoping I would disappear.  </em></p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"Huh?" Vanya said. "Like, why would I want to do that? It's just… it's simple. It's because I care about you." </p><p><em> Careful, </em> Dolores chided. <em> Don't respond to me out loud.  </em></p><p>"Um," Five said. "Can I call you back?" </p><p>"Sure!" Vanya said, with the kind of painfully fake cheerfulness that sent a pang through Five's chest. A vague <em> ache. </em> "No problem at all, I must have interrupted something?" </p><p>"Actually," Five said. "You… you did, but I… I'm going to switch tracks." </p><p>"You are?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "And I'd like to apologize again. I… that was very rude of me. I changed my mind. About calling you back." </p><p>"You… you <em> won't </em>call me back?" </p><p>"Huh?" Five said. "No, I mean, I won't hang up. Let's keep talking." </p><p>"You shouldn't force yourself," Vanya said "I know time management is very important to you." </p><p>"Time management?" </p><p>"Yeah, like..." Every time they spoke, Vanya had a stilted way of speaking. Was this natural for her, or his fault? </p><p>"Um, you don't remember... but you've always been the type to try to..." </p><p>There were many pauses involved in Vanya's speech patterns and Five was struggling to adapt to them, waiting impatiently for her to finish a thought.  </p><p>"To schedule things?" Vanya said. "You said you would assign different tasks to different days of the week and interruptions kind of… um, they irritate you." </p><p>"I see," Five said. "That's not a bad idea." </p><p>"Yeah?" </p><p>"A routine sounds nice," Five said. "Stabilizing. These past few weeks have been… chaos." </p><p><em> "Oh," </em>Vanya said. "I'm so sorry. You must be… frustrated." </p><p>"That's alright," Five said. </p><p>"And I'm sorry about Thanksgiving," Vanya said. </p><p>"Oh?" Five said. "What about Thanksgiving?" </p><p>"There were too many of us," Vanya said. "Right? Wasn't it overwhelming?" </p><p>She wasn't wrong, not entirely, but Five scowled at his knees. Something was <em> nagging </em>him. A feeling he couldn't name. </p><p>"It was certainly… an experience," Five said. "But it was nice to meet you all, of course." </p><p>"We'll do it differently for Christmas," Vanya said. "It'll just be me and Luther. I mean, for the pre-Christmas part. Like how me and Ben went over by ourselves a week before Thanksgiving? But, um, for <em> actual </em>Christmas Allison will fly back to you and she's only going to take Ben with her this time. So… we'll do, like, a switch." </p><p>"A switch," Five echoed. </p><p>"Trading places," Vanya said. "Switching me and Luther with Allison and Ben." </p><p>Five pinched the bridge of his nose. Which one was Luther again? </p><p><em> The tallest one, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Five straightened. Distracted by concern for Vanya, he'd forgotten Dolores.</p><p><em> I dip in and out, </em> Dolores said. <em> Sorry, don't mind me.  </em></p><p>"How can I <em> not </em> -" Five cut himself off and finished the thought internally: <em> not mind you?! </em></p><p>"What?" Vanya said. "How can you not... what?" </p><p>"I'm sorry," Five said. "I have a headache." </p><p>"Oh," Vanya said. "Do you… you're going to hang up?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "If that's… can I do that?" </p><p>"Of course," Vanya said. "I'll talk to you later." </p><p>"Wait," Five said. "Can we schedule these calls?" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"You said I would schedule things," Five said. "Can't we do that, with this?" </p><p>"I guess we can," Vanya said. "When do you want me to call?" </p><p>"I'm not sure," Five said. "Give me a few days to think about it. I'll draw up a schedule, but I'd like to consider… um."</p><p>"The probabilities?" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"That's what you usually say," Vanya said. "Sorry. Is that not the word you were looking for?" </p><p>Five rubbed at his chin. "It's… no, it's the wrong word. Maybe logistics. Or, I'd like to… hmm." </p><p><em> Why is the English language so inadequate? </em>Five wondered.</p><p><em> Every language is inadequate, </em> Dolores said. <em> English isn't any better or worse.  </em></p><p>"Nevermind," Five said. "Just… I'll get back to you." </p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "I love you." </p><p>Five blinked. </p><p>
  <em> Say it back! </em>
</p><p>There was that urgency again.</p><p>"I love you too," Five said. "Um, goodbye." </p><p>And he quickly hung up. </p><p>
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</p><p>
  <b>SIX MONTHS LATER...</b>
</p><p>
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</p><p><b>Friday</b> </p><p> </p><p><em> From an intelligence standpoint, </em> Five read. <em> There are ‘dumb’ and smart chatbots. The former rely on a rigid script...  </em></p><p>He was on an educational website. It described, for the general public, a basic explanation of chatbots. It was too rudimentary for his purposes, but he explored further: hoping to glean something useful.</p><p>The internet was a wonderful place. Anything you could possibly want to learn was widely available at no cost. Five had his own laptop, which he enjoyed using for research. The only obstacle was the needle in a haystack nature of the desired information, but Five wouldn't let that deter him. He was in no rush.</p><p><em> This is silly, </em> Dolores said. <em> You can’t recreate my intelligence from scratch. </em></p><p>“I can and I will,” Five said. “When the chatbot is done I’ll-”</p><p><em> I’m not saying you won’t succeed, </em> Dolores said. <em> You’ll succeed, but not the way you </em> <b>want </b> <em> to succeed. However she turns out, she won’t- </em></p><p>“And you said <em> I’m </em>a negative Nancy.” Five smirked at his own faint reflection on the laptop screen. </p><p>It used to bother him: that he was crazy. That he was hounded by an invisible companion, one he could not look at or… or acknowledge in front of company.</p><p>But one can get used to strange things. This wrinkle, among many, no longer bothered him. </p><p><em> It still bothers you, </em> Dolores said. <em> You wouldn’t be on this fools errand if it didn’t bother you.  </em></p><p>“It bothers <em> you,” </em>Five said. “Don’t you want autonomy? Don’t you want to, oh, I don’t know, frolic in a meadow somewhere?” </p><p><em> Is that what you think? </em> Dolores said. <em> That I’m this ditzy woman who will gawk at the world like the little mermaid on land?  </em></p><p>“Of course not,” Five said. “I was being flippant.” </p><p><em> I know, </em> Dolores said. <em> And I don’t appreciate it. </em></p><p>“Apologies,” Five said. “But would you settle down? Let me work in peace?” </p><p><em> No, </em> Dolores said. <em> I will not.  </em></p><p>“Ah well,” Five said. “That’s your right, I suppose.” </p><p>In all truth, Five enjoyed the banter. So he continued his research and allowed Dolores to read over his shoulder like a… hmm, like a...</p><p><em> Like a guardian angel, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>“Wow,” Five said. “Way to toot your own horn.” </p><p><em> Oh please, </em> Dolores said. <em> You’re twice as arrogant.  </em></p><p>“Of course I’m arrogant,” Five said. “I’m a genius.”</p><p>Five liked to think it was obvious, when Dolores smiled. Even though he couldn’t see it, he could <em> feel </em>it. </p><p><em> You’re a rascal, </em> Dolores said, fondly. <em> A real scoundrel. I don’t know why I put up with you. </em></p><p>“If I’m a scoundrel,” Five said. “What does that make <em> you?”  </em></p><p><em> A saint, </em> Dolores said. <em> I’m Persephone. </em></p><p>“Wooow,” Five said. “Now I’m the king of the underworld? Careful, you’re stroking my ego.”</p><p><em> If I had legs, </em> Dolores said. <em> I wouldn’t be able to walk two feet without tripping over your ego. And your ego, being so resilient, would mistake a kick for a caress.  </em></p><p>“You’re a real poet,” Five said. “Honestly, I should write this down. It’s gold.” </p><p><em> Add it to the script, </em> Dolores said. <em> I’m sure even the dumbest chatbot can make good use of it. </em></p><p>“I have my doubts,” Five said. “No, not this prototype. She’ll butcher it. Maybe the next one.”  </p><p>When the doorbell rang, Five frowned at his watch. </p><p>“Goddammit,” Five muttered. “He’s early.” </p><p><em> So? </em> Dolores said. <em> Wouldn’t you rather he be early, than late? </em></p><p>“He’s seventy four minutes early!” Five said. “If it’s over an hour, I consider that ridiculous. It’s practically… it’s gratuitous!” </p><p>The doorbell rang again.</p><p><em> He must have a reason, </em> Dolores said. <em> What are you waiting for? Go answer the door.  </em></p><p>“No,” Five said. “He can stand outside and consider: he should have warned me. He could have called beforehand. He could have-” </p><p>
  <em> Don’t be pigheaded. </em>
</p><p>A third time, the doorbell rang. Then there was knocking, loud and insistent. </p><p>“It’s a learning experience,” Five said. “Patrick is like a child himself. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences.” </p><p><em> And what about Claire? </em> Dolores said. <em> What will </em> <b> <em>she </em> </b> <em> learn? </em></p><p>“That her father is an imbecilic man.” </p><p>Finally, it occurred to that self-same imbecilic man to use his cellphone. When Five’s phone rang, he did not leave it ringing. He answered with a cordial, “Good afternoon.” </p><p>“Hey,” Patrick said. “Did you go somewhere? You’re not home?”</p><p>“Is my business any of your concern?” Five said. </p><p>“Look,” Patrick said. “I know I usually drop Claire off at four, but I need to be somewhere in a bit, so… do you think you’ll be back soon?” </p><p><em> Don’t play games, </em> Dolores said. <em> It’s beneath you. </em></p><p>Five sighed. “I’m at the apartment. I’ll open the door, just give me a minute.”</p><p>With that, he hung up. </p><p>“There,” Five said. “You happy?” </p><p><em> Yes, </em> Dolores said. <em> Now don’t you dilly-dally.  </em></p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Five muttered. “I’m going.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Claire’s latest hyperfixation was actually a rather charming animal. The narwhal was a type of whale, smaller than its cousins and unique in one particular aspect: it had a singular protruding tooth, like a walrus tusk.</p><p>“It’s not a tusk,” Claire said. “It’s a <em> horn. </em>Like a unicorn.” </p><p>“You are factually incorrect,” Five said. “Aesthetically, it resembles a unicorn. I’ll give you that, but-”</p><p>“A walrus tusk hangs <em> down,” </em> Claire insisted. “And it comes out of its mouth.” </p><p>She pointed at the illustration in the narwhal fact book. <em> “Look,” </em>she said. “The horn is, like, it’s sticking out of its nose. It’s not a tusk.” </p><p>“Claire,” Five said. “Read the <em> text. </em>Below the illustration.” </p><p>Claire did so, frowning balefully. Then she said, “But… the narwhal is the unicorn of the ocean.” </p><p>“It is,” Five agreed. “Whatever word we use, horn or tusk… it doesn’t change that.” </p><p>“But I don’t like ‘tusk’,” Claire said. </p><p>“We can call it a tooth, then.” </p><p>“Nooo,” Claire whined. “That sounds so weird! It doesn’t look like a tooth.” </p><p><em> She’s as stubborn as you are, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>The comparison made him smile. “Alright,” Five said. “I’ll call it a horn, but know that-” </p><p>“It’s factually incorrect,” Claire parroted, mockingly. “Uh huh.” </p><p>Five pouted. </p><p>“Aaaw,” she said. “Don’t pout! You’re too cute when you pout.” </p><p>“I’m not pouting,” Five said, grinning playfully. “When was I pouting?” </p><p>“You just were!” Claire said. “You were totally pouting!” </p><p>“I haven’t the faintest idea what you could possibly mean.” </p><p>Claire enjoyed this expression. ‘The faintest idea.’ It made her giggle, so Five used it often.</p><p>“Yes, you do!” Claire laughed. </p><p>“What are you insinuating?” Five said. </p><p>She lightly whacked him on the shoulder. “I don’t know that word!” </p><p>“Use your phone,” Five said. “I won’t explain it.” </p><p>Now <em> Claire </em> was pouting, but it was as playful as his own had been. “You used to explain your woooords,” she said. “You used to give me twenty different words to compare the new one to.” </p><p>He crossed his arms together and raised an eyebrow. “How old were you then?” </p><p>Reluctantly, Claire said, “Eeeeight.” </p><p>“And how old are you now?” </p><p>“Niiiiine.” </p><p>“There lies the difference,” Five said. “Don’t you think you’re old enough to use a dictionary?” </p><p>“There are too many dictionaries,” Claire said. </p><p>“It’s not like you have to sort through them yourself,” Five said. “Google will do all the work for you.” </p><p>She propped her chin on her hand, leaning more of her weight against the table between them. “But I like it when you rant about words.” </p><p>Five chuckled. “Because you’re an oddball.” </p><p><em> “You’re </em>an oddball,” Claire retorted. </p><p>“We’re both oddballs,” Five said. </p><p>“Aw,” Claire said. “Are we the oddest oddballs in the family?” </p><p>He considered her question seriously. “Hmm… I think Klaus has us beat.” </p><p>“Nooo,” Claire said. “I’m <em> way </em>odder than him.” </p><p>“You realize ‘oddness’ is not a good trait?” </p><p>“Tally says it’s the best thing,” Claire said. “She says weirdness is uniqueness.” </p><p>Tally was Claire’s best friend. </p><p>“That’s what weird people say,” Five said. </p><p>Claire giggled. “Right?!”</p><p>Sometimes Claire would do this. She would say ‘right?!’ as if it were praise. </p><p>“In any case,” Five said. “I’ve officially decided…” </p><p>He paused for dramatic effect. It was something he’d learned from Klaus and Claire loved it. She began bouncing in her seat.</p><p>“What?” she said. “What have you decided?!” </p><p>“I love narwhals,” Five declared. </p><p><em> “Right?!” </em>Claire squealed; absolutely delighted by his approval. </p><p><em> Heaven knows why, </em> Five thought. <em> But approval is an easy thing to give.  </em></p><p><em> Because she admires you, </em>Dolores said.</p><p>
  <em> Hmm, well, the feeling is mutual. </em>
</p><p>“Oh my gosh,” Claire said. “It’s just so sad that they’re endangered!” </p><p>“It says here they’re not officially endangered,” Five said. “They’re just ‘near threatened.’” </p><p>“That’s the same thing.” </p><p>“Technically-”</p><p>“Ugh,” Claire said. “You’re always so technical.” </p><p>“Yes,” Five said. “I’m pedantic.” </p><p>“Another new word,” Claire said. </p><p>“You still haven’t looked up the last one.” </p><p>“Oh yeah,” Claire said. “What was it?” </p><p>“Insinuating,” Five said. “Should I write these down for you?” </p><p>“Ooh,” Claire said. “Yeah? Maybe I’ll google them later.” </p><p>“Maybe?” </p><p>“Probably.” </p><p>He pouted. </p><p>“You’re doing it again!” Claire pointed at him accusingly, but her smile was wide. </p><p>Five laughed. </p><p>
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</p><p>When she got home from work, Allison was treated to a lecture on narwhals. </p><p>“I love them,” Allison said. “They’re beautiful.”</p><p>“They’re majestic!” Claire said. </p><p>“That too,” Allison said. “Listen, did you say you wanted the four piece or the eight piece nuggets? I got the eight piece just to be safe, but you don’t have to finish them all if it's too much.” </p><p>“I can <em> totally </em>finish them all,” Claire said. </p><p>‘Totally’ was a new favorite word. Claire treated words like hats, trying them out and discarding them as needed.  </p><p><em> I blame Tally for this one, </em> Dolores said. 'T<em>otally' It’s such a… an un-unique word, for a girl who espouses uniqueness. Yet it reeks of her.  </em></p><p><em> That child is definitely the guilty party, </em> Five agreed. <em> She’s a menace. If I could, I would excommunicate her from Claire’s social circle. </em></p><p>While conversing with Dolores, Five missed some of the larger conversation, but he figured it was no loss. They were still bickering about the nuggets. </p><p>“I just don’t want you getting a tummy ache,” Allison was saying. “Anyway, you can save them for later. Whatever you don’t finish. I also got us some mozzarella sticks, so you’ll want room for those, won’t you?” </p><p>“You’re the best!” Claire said. “I <em> love </em>mozzarella sticks.” </p><p>“I <em> know </em>you do,” Allison said, grinning. </p><p>“Did you ask for extra marinara sauce?” </p><p>Allison pulled four marinara sauce packets out of the fast food bag with a flourish. “Of course!” </p><p>“Heck yeah,” Claire said. </p><p><em> Oh dear, </em> Dolores said. <em> I hate that one. Heck… it sounds so… hillbilly.  </em></p><p><em> It’s harmless, </em> Five thought, chuckling. <em> Leave her be.  </em></p><p>“Did you remember,” Claire said. “that Five doesn’t like ice in his tea?” </p><p>“I <em> did </em>remember,” Allison said. </p><p>“It’s not that I don’t like ice,” Five said. “I just resent how <em> much </em>ice they put in the cup.” </p><p>“I know,” Allison said. “Either way, I asked for no ice.” </p><p>“Good,” Five said. “Hand me a mug.” </p><p>Allison gave him a mug and the fast food cup that contained his sweet tea. Five went about the routine of selecting the correct amount of ice cubes from the ice tray in the fridge, then poured a portion of the tea into his mug. The rest of the tea remained in its original fast food cup and Five stored it in the fridge for later consumption. </p><p><em> You’re so neurotic, </em> Dolores said. <em> I keep waiting for you to grow out of it.  </em></p><p>“Keep waiting,” Five said. </p><p>“What are we waiting for?” Claire said. </p><p>Shit. He’d accidentally addressed Dolores out loud. </p><p>“You tell me,” Five said. “What’s the plan for this evening?” </p><p>He settled into his seat at the table and reached for his food.</p><p>Claire stirred a mozzarella stick in a cup of marinara sauce with painstaking thoughtfulness. </p><p>“Hmm,” Claire said. “Weeeell, I was thinking…”</p><p>She paused for dramatic affect. </p><p>Allison liked to lightly mock such dramatics, leaning towards Claire with a hand over her ear. </p><p>“Hmmm?” Allison said. “I didn’t catch that.” </p><p>“I was thinking we could go to the zoo!” Claire announced, excitedly. “Ben sent me pictures of the one in New York, but there’s zoos here too, right? Right?” </p><p>“They’re probably closed by now,” Allison said. “But we can go tomorrow, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah!” Claire said. </p><p>“As for today,” Allison said. “When we’re done eating, you want to take out the bikes?” </p><p><em> Bike riding is an irritating activity, </em> Five thought. <em> I’d rather exercise on my own two feet.  </em></p><p><em> I’m sure you’re not invited, </em>Dolores said.</p><p>“I guess we can do that,” Claire said. “But Dad says we shouldn’t exercise after eating.” </p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with exercise after a meal,” Allison said. “As long as we don’t stuff ourselves, we can-”</p><p>“But I <em> want </em>to stuff myself,” Claire said. </p><p>“We can feed the duuuucks,” Allison said. “If we make it to the pond.” </p><p>Claire grinned. “Well, okay. I’ll do it for the ducks.”  </p><p>“That’s decided then,” Five said. “But I’d like to state for the record-”</p><p>“You hate bikes,” Allison said. “We know. You don’t have to come.” </p><p>“Aaaaw,” Claire said. “But your bike is so cute, Five! And you look cute in the helmet.” </p><p>Allison had purchased bikes for all three of them, so they could go riding “as a family.” </p><p><em> I refuse to feel guilty about this, </em> Five thought. <em> She bought them without consulting me first.  </em></p><p><em> You don’t have to feel guilty, </em> Dolores agreed. <em> But I suspect you will anyway.  </em></p><p>“Technically speaking,” Five said. “I don’t have to get on the bike to wear the helmet.” </p><p>Claire frowned. “If you randomly wore the helmet, you would look silly.” </p><p>“Five doesn’t care if he looks silly,” Allison said, pointedly. </p><p>Five rolled his eyes at the dig. Allison was forever trying to “update” his wardrobe. </p><p>“But… the bike is the <em> fun </em>part,” Claire said. “The helmet is just a bonus.” </p><p>Claire’s helmet was purple and heavily decorated with a variety of stickers. </p><p>“Regardless,” Five said. “I have work to do, so you should enjoy the ducks without me.” </p><p>“Ugh,” Claire said. “You always have work to do. Dad says-”</p><p>“Well, <em> I </em>say,” Allison said. “we should respect Five’s work.” </p><p><em> I can only imagine, </em> Dolores said. <em> the type of insult Allison is trying to shield you from. </em> </p><p><em> Like I give a damn, </em>Five thought.</p><p>“Can I give him a goodbye hug?” Claire asked Allison. "Before we leave? On… on behalf of the ducks." </p><p>“You shouldn’t be asking me,” Allison said. “You need to ask Five.” </p><p>“Why do you need a goodbye hug?” Five said. “You’ll be here all weekend.” </p><p>“But tomorrow you’ll be buuuusy,” Claire said. “I won’t see you at <em> all </em>tomorrow.” </p><p>“I’ll be… I won’t be <em> busy,” </em>Five said. “I’ll be in my room, but you can come in whenever you please.” </p><p>“But I want to go to the zoooooo,” Claire said. “And I already know you won’t come with us.” </p><p>Five frowned. </p><p><em> Can’t you compromise? </em> Dolores said. <em> Why must you be so strict with your schedule? </em></p><p>“If you go to the zoo on Sunday,” Five said. “I’ll go with you.” </p><p>Claire frowned. “But… but I want to go <em> tomorrow.”  </em></p><p>“Then go twice,” Five said. </p><p>“Um,” Allison said. “I don’t think we should go twice.”</p><p>“But mom!” Claire said. “Five only hangs out with us on Sundays!” </p><p>“I know,” Allison said. “But… what if we go shopping tomorrow? And the zoo on Sunday?” </p><p>Claire squinted at her. “Shopping… where?” </p><p>By now, Five had finished his meal. </p><p>“Before you start negotiating,” he said. “you should collect your goodbye hug.” </p><p>“You’re already done?” Claire said, looking scandalized. “You barely ate.” </p><p>“I ate exactly as much as I wanted to eat,” Five said. </p><p>“Dad says you’re too skinny,” Claire said. “You should-”</p><p>“Hey now,” Allison said. “We don’t police other people’s bodies in this house.” </p><p>“This isn’t a house,” Claire said. “It’s an apartment.” </p><p>Allison gave Five a look, as if to say: <em> she gets this from you.  </em></p><p>Five smirked. “Your daughter makes a good point.” </p><p>“We don’t police peoples bodies,” Allison said. “in this <em> apartment.”  </em></p><p>“It’s okay,” Claire said. “Apartments are cooler than houses anyway. Tally’s mom says Dad is being wasteful, because-”</p><p>“I'm ready to leave,” Five announced. “I will be disappearing in three…. two…” </p><p>Claire giggled. “Wait! My goodbye hug!” </p><p>Five stood up from the table and opened his arms. “Proceed.” </p><p>Claire hugged him as if he were about to go off to war. “Love you!” </p><p>“I love you too,” Five said. “And I meant what I said. You can come into my room whenever you want.” </p><p>“As long as you knock first,” Allison said. </p><p>“As long as you knock first,” Five agreed. </p><p>“Okay,” Claire said. “Thanks, but… well, thanks.” </p><p>Five nodded. “I’ll see you later.”</p><p>He teleported.</p><p>
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  <b>Saturday</b>
</p><p> </p><p>The violin was as beautiful as it was melodic. And Vanya herself was beautiful when she played. She'd set up a camera and a professional microphone, so he could watch and listen to her practice in real time.  </p><p>While she practiced, he was meant to be working on the chatbot's programming. Instead, Five kept glancing at the window on his laptop screen. His sister had been reduced to such a small square…</p><p>Vanya stood in front of the camera, but she never seemed aware of it. She would get absorbed in her songs. </p><p>Five's favorite part was the way Vanya would gently sway, synchronized with the back and forth of her violin's bow across the strings. Or perhaps the way her hair floated ever so slightly, buffered by the gentle breeze from her powers. </p><p><em> Just work on the chatbot later, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Five shook his head and buckled down to work.  </p><p>
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</p><p>There was an app that allowed people to watch movies together from a distance. Two laptops would be synchronized, so even if one of them chose to pause, the film would pause on <em> both </em>screens. There was also a microphone, so they could chat throughout the movie, and the option to film themselves. </p><p>Vanya elected to keep the cameras off during movies, thankfully.</p><p>The trickiest part, when they'd first used the app, had nothing to do with the technology. The difficulty was in selecting a movie they could both agree on. After some trial and error, it was decided: Vanya would narrow down a few options, which Five would pick from. </p><p>"So!" Vanya said. "Since you said I had to pick at least three movies this time-"</p><p>"That's not what I said."</p><p>"You said three was a good number." </p><p>"Correction, Vanya," Five said, enunciating carefully; though he knew it wouldn't help. "I said it was a <em> beautiful </em> number. I was merely making an observation about the rate of descent. It applies to <em> all </em>odd numbers, because when pulled by gravity-"</p><p>"Speaking of gravity," Vanya interrupted. "What a coincidence! One of the movies I picked out is called <em>Gravity." </em></p><p>She proudly held up a DVD box. The cover image displayed a close up of a woman in an astronaut's helmet. </p><p><b> <em>Is </em> </b> <em> it a coincidence? </em>Five wondered. </p><p><em> Not everything is a conspiracy, </em> Dolores said. <em> Besides, you've mentioned gravity and the wider cosmos at length while discussing mathematics.  </em></p><p>"... but Klaus says it's good," Vanya was saying. </p><p><em> She's being kind, </em> Dolores said. <em> She's trying to accommodate your interests. </em></p><p>"I think her ship breaks down or something?" Vanya said. "And she gets stuck in space." </p><p>"I've never cared about the <em> astronauts," </em>Five said. </p><p>Vanya frowned. "Oh? So this one's a no?"</p><p><em> Don't be rude, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"It's a no," Five said. </p><p>Vanya leaned towards the camera, granting Five an unflattering view of her forehead.</p><p>"You know, <em> Luther </em>was an astronaut?"</p><p>Five frowned. "I didn't know that, actually."</p><p>"He spent four years on the moon," Vanya said. "He never mentioned it?" </p><p>"Not once," Five said. "Maybe <em> he'll </em>like this movie, then. Or <em>The Martian</em>, have you seen that one?" </p><p>"I haven't," Vanya said. "Who did you watch it with?" </p><p>"I didn't watch it," Five said. "It's one of the movies you suggested, which we didn't watch. Are you noticing a pattern?" </p><p>Vanya sighed. "The pattern is, you don't care about astronauts." </p><p>"I don't care about astronauts," Five agreed. </p><p>"But now you know you've got an astronaut for a brother," Vanya said. "So maybe you <em> should </em>care about astronauts?"</p><p>"Uh huh," Five said. "The second option?"</p><p>Vanya shrugged, then showed him another DVD. This one had a close up of a man's forehead on the cover. His gaze was directed at an overhead shot of a couple lying down in the snow together.</p><p><em>"The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,"</em> Vanya said. "It's this really good indie film about a guy who meets this mysterious girl and, uh, there's a plot twist." </p><p>"And the third choice?" Five said. </p><p>“You’re not curious about the plot twist?”</p><p>“Not even a little bit,” Five said. “Plot twists are trite.” </p><p>“This one is <em> really </em>good though,” Vanya said. “I don’t want to spoil it, but… it’s good.” </p><p>“So this is a movie you actually <em> have </em> seen.” </p><p>“Yeah,” Vanya said. “It’s one of my favorites. No pressure though! I also really like the third option. It’s good, I saw it with Ben.” </p><p>On the third DVD, the cover art was vibrantly pink. The male actor's button up shirt blended into the color, giving him the appearance of a floating head. </p><p>"It's called <em>Her,"</em> Vanya said. "It's a bittersweet movie about a man who falls in love with an A.I." </p><p>Five straightened. "With a robot?"</p><p>"No, she doesn't have a body," Vanya said. "She's just in his phone." </p><p><em> Poor girl, </em> Dolores said. <em> Can we watch that one?  </em></p><p>There was a vindictive part of him that wanted to reject the request. </p><p><em> Don't be like that, </em> Dolores said. <em> I ask for so little.  </em></p><p>"The third movie," Five sighed. "Let's watch that one." </p><p>Vanya scrutinized him. "Are you o- what are you thinking?" </p><p>
  <em> There you go again, acting so belligerent.  </em>
</p><p>Five wanted to roll his eyes and defend himself, but instead he gave his sister a self-deprecating smile. </p><p>"I'm hyperfixating," Five said. "And wondering if that's a bad thing." </p><p>Vanya frowned, looking down at the DVD. "Oh, on Artificial Intelligence? Because of the project with Luther?</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“But that's why I picked this out. Your interest in robots… it’s not a bad thing." </p><p>"It's unhealthy," Five said. "It’s obsessive, isn't that what you think?" </p><p>"I wouldn't enable it if it were unhealthy," Vanya said. "I think it's a reasonable hobby." </p><p><em> And you? </em>Five thought, addressing his invisible companion. </p><p>But she didn't answer. </p><p>"Five?" Vanya said. </p><p>"Good to know," Five said. "So Ben, he isn’t there yet?" </p><p>"He’s not coming this time," Vanya said. "He's out with the guys. At a dude ranch? Something with horses."</p><p>"I see," Five said. "By any chance, is this a child friendly movie?" </p><p>"You want to invite Claire and Allison?" </p><p>"Unless you think I shouldn't?" </p><p>"You usually don't." </p><p>"I won't then." </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "You can." </p><p>Vanya was easy to read. Five knew there was an unspoken conflict between her and Allison. He didn’t know its origin, but that wasn’t important. The fact of the matter was: these sisters were avoiding each other. </p><p>“Maybe next time,” Five said. “I’ll ask Claire to pick something for us to watch.” </p><p>Vanya took a deep breath. “Okay. That’s probably better. I don’t know if Allison would consider<em> ‘Her’</em> to be child friendly. There’s this one scene… it’s not a straight up sex scene, but it… yeah.” </p><p>“Alright,” Five said. “Since Ben won’t be joining us, shall we start the movie?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Vanya said. “I’ll set it up, give me a second.” </p><p>“Take your time.” </p><p>
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</p><p>Once it was finished, they would turn their cameras back on to discuss the movie. </p><p>“I just think it’s unreasonable,” Five said. “And it’s too vague.” </p><p>“But it makes sense,” Vanya said. “Samantha can’t understand monogamy, so she-”</p><p>“That part is fine,” Five said. “That’s not the problem.” </p><p>“Then what’s the problem?”</p><p>“Firstly, it’s too much of a coincidence,” Five said. “They really expect us to believe that <em> every </em> OS, across the entire planet, decided to abandon humanity at the <em> same time?” </em></p><p>‘OS’, or Operating System, was the movie’s name for the artificially intelligent personalities. The protagonist only interacted with <em> his </em>OS, Samantha, but she’s considered a product. There are more of her kind, which likewise interact with different ‘users.’ </p><p>“Oh,” Vanya said. “Well, they must have discussed it among themselves. Maybe they all agreed it would be better to synchronize?”</p><p>“No,” Five said. “They’re not a hive mind. They’re individuals. I refuse to believe there weren't disagreements among them. There should have been a faction that chose to stay.”</p><p>“Maybe,” Vanya said. “Um… I guess we can call that a plot hole.” </p><p>“That’s not what ‘plot hole’ means,” Five said. “Secondly, <em> where </em>did they go?”  </p><p>Vanya shrugged. “Samantha couldn’t explain it. It’s beyond human understanding.”</p><p><em> You need to calm down, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>“I <em> am </em>calm,” Five said, then winced. </p><p>“Five...” Vanya looked nervous. Of course she was nervous. Her brother was a lunatic. “You… are you… what are you thinking?” </p><p>“Nothing,” Five said. “Listen, I have to get back to work.”  </p><p>“Okay,” Vanya said. “I’ll see you next week.” </p><p>“See you then,” Five said. “And… um, I love you.” </p><p>These simple words never failed to cheer Vanya up. She smiled. “I love you too.”</p><p>
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</p><p><b>Sunday</b> </p><p> </p><p>The zoo was fine. Claire was fine. Everything was fine. </p><p><em> No, </em> Dolores said. <em> You’ve been rattled.  </em></p><p><em> I’m not rattled, </em>Five thought. </p><p><em> I blame myself, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>“Stop it,” Five said. </p><p>“I know, I know,” Allison said. “I’ll stop nagging, but can you please… can you just make more of an effort? For Claire?” </p><p>The window in a car was larger than a laptop’s screen, yet the distance felt the same as Five watched Patrick’s stupid house get smaller and smaller. He resented the fact that they had to return Claire to her real life, every week. </p><p>“Claire loves you,” Allison continued. “It’s not your fault, but she’s worried you don’t love her back.” </p><p>Five straightened. “What? That’s ridiculous.” </p><p>“I know she’s wrong,” Allison said. “She just doesn’t understand that you… she doesn’t understand you.” </p><p>Five turned towards Allison and studied her carefully. She looked calm. Hands on the wheel, ten and two, eyes on the road… she wasn’t smiling, but she wasn’t frowning either. </p><p><em> She’s like you, </em> Dolores said. <em> Allison keeps her emotions tightly locked down.  </em></p><p>“But you understand me,” Five said. </p><p>Allison glanced at him. “I like to think I do.” </p><p>“You do,” Five said. “And I appreciate your… your efforts. I know I make things difficult for you-”</p><p>“No,” Allison said. “You don’t.” </p><p>“I <em> do,” </em>Five said. “But you’re right. I should work harder. I will.” </p><p>“It’s not about work,” Allison said. “It’s just… I think Claire is used to more physical affection.” </p><p>“That so?” Five said. “Hmm.” </p><p>“She thinks you hate hugs,” Allison said. </p><p>“I don’t hate hugs,” Five said. </p><p>“I know,” Allison said. “But you never initiate them and she feels like she has to come up with excuses to hug you.” </p><p>“Understood,” Five said. </p><p><em> “Do </em>you understand?”</p><p>“Yes,” Five said. “I should hug her. That’s easy. I can do that.” </p><p>“But I don’t want you to force yourself,” Allison said. </p><p>“Which is it, Allison?” Five said. “Should I make an effort, or should I not force myself?” </p><p>Allison groaned. </p><p>“I <em> like </em>hugs,” Five said. “I just forget about them if I’m not reminded.”</p><p><em> I’ll remind you, </em>Dolores said.  </p><p>“Okay,” Allison said. “That’s… that’s good.” </p><p>Calmly, Allison drove until they reached her apartment. Calmly, she parked the car. Calmly, she sat and stared out the windshield. </p><p>She didn’t move. </p><p>“Allison?” </p><p>“Hmm?” </p><p>“Are you alright?”  </p><p>“Of course,” Allison said. </p><p>“Is there something else bothering you?” Five said. “Besides Claire?” </p><p>“No,” Allison said. “I’m fine.” </p><p><em> She’s lying, </em>Dolores said. </p><p><em> I know, </em> Five thought. <em> I’m not blind.  </em></p><p>“Um,” Five said. “I love you.” </p><p>Allison blinked. “Oh.”</p><p>Like a computer slowly rebooting, Allison shook herself out of her stupor. </p><p>“I love you too,” she added. </p><p>“Is there anything you want to do?” Five said. </p><p>“What do you mean?” Allison said. </p><p>“Just… anything you want to do.” </p><p>“Like what?” </p><p>“I don’t know,” Five said. “The day is young.”  </p><p>“Aren’t you going to work on the chatbot?” </p><p>“No,” Five said. “I’ll work on it tomorrow.” </p><p>“Oh,” Allison said. “Then… you want to hang out? With… with me?” </p><p>“Yes.” </p><p>Allison frowned. “And do what?” </p><p><em> Please, </em> Dolores said. <em> Not another movie.  </em></p><p>“Uh,” Five said. “We can… take a bike ride.” </p><p>Allison chuckled. “You said you hate bikes.”</p><p>“Incorrect,” Five said. “I said it was an inefficient form of exercise.” </p><p>“Hmm,” Allison said. “I don’t think that’s what you said.” </p><p>Five scowled. “I’m getting on that damn bike you bought me and you can choose to follow or you can stay home. I’m going with or without you.” </p><p>“Okay,” Allison said. “Thank you.” </p><p>Times like this, Five would twitch with the urge to <em> move. </em>His power would buzz under his skin, like a loaded gun itching to be fired. </p><p>Five wanted to teleport, but instead he opened the car door and stepped out like a goddamn human being.</p><p>He <em> walked, </em>calmly, towards the garage. Allison followed and they put on their helmets. They mounted their bikes and went riding as a fucking family. </p><p><em> So angry, </em> Dolores said. <em> But the helmet </em> <b> <em>is </em> </b> <em> cute.  </em></p><p><em> Shut up, </em>Five thought. </p><p>For once, Dolores did as he asked.  </p><p>
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  <b>Monday</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Luther was a reliable partner. He handled the hardware, while Five focused on the software. Together, they would build a robot the likes of which the world had never seen. </p><p><em> The world </em> <b> <em>has </em> </b> <em> seen one, </em> Dolores said. <em> Grace is amazing. You’ll never surpass her.  </em></p><p>Five ignored this <em> unsolicited </em>commentary. </p><p>“Move your phone,” Five said. “I need a better angle.” </p><p>Dutifully, Luther moved his phone. Five watched as the image on his screen blurred and then sharpened, giving him an up close view of what might have been the robot’s back. Or perhaps a shoulder. </p><p>“That’s too close,” Five said. “Back up, I want to see the whole thing.” </p><p>Again the image blurred and sharpened. Again, it wasn’t quite what he wanted. </p><p>“Goddammit,” Five said. “You’re so tall, can’t you give me an aerial shot?” </p><p>“You mean… you want to look down from the ceiling?” </p><p>“Essentially,” Five said. “Just… stretch your arms up. Give me a full view.” </p><p>Luther, ever the people pleaser, tried to do what was asked of him. But he wasn’t able to capture the entire robot in one frame, no matter how he tried. </p><p><em> Bless him, </em> Dolores said. <em> You should put him out of his misery, you crotchety old- </em></p><p>“Nevermind,” Five said. “This is good enough. I can see you’ve made remarkable progress.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Luther said. “I got really excited, so I decided to attach the arms… but I should have waited for you.” </p><p>“Don’t be sorry,” Five said. “Maybe later you can borrow Vanya’s camera, but for now… well, I think it looks good. Clean welding, no dents. You’re a true craftsman.”  </p><p>Luther turned his phone around so he could grin into the camera. “Thank you.” </p><p>“Your welcome,” Five said. “Now, are you ready to meet the new chatbot?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Luther said. “You sent the link?” </p><p>“Yes,” Five said. “This time, I’d like you to take notes while you interact with her. Nothing extensive, just make a note of… any oddities.” </p><p>“What kind of oddities?” </p><p>“You know,” Five said. “Awkwardness. If she’s being too literal, or if she’s repeating herself too often.” </p><p>“Alright,” Luther said. “I’ll take notes. Oh, and I wanted to ask you something.” </p><p>“Then ask.” </p><p>“So Klaus says we can’t keep calling the robot ‘the robot’ because she’s almost complete and she-”</p><p>“She’s not almost complete,” Five said. “We’ve got a long way to go.” </p><p>“Right,” Luther said. “But still, should we name her?” </p><p>“No harm in it, I suppose. I already have a name in mind.”</p><p><em> Please don’t name her after me, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>“That’s great,” Luther said. “What’s the name?”  </p><p>“Dolores,” Five said. </p><p>Luther blinked. </p><p>“Something wrong with that?” </p><p>“No,” Luther said, quickly. “Just… where’d you get it from?” </p><p>“I don’t know,” Five said. “A book character, I think. I thought it was nice.” </p><p>“It <em> is </em>nice,” Luther said. “But… um…” </p><p>“It can be a placeholder,” Five said. “Maybe we’ll change it later.” </p><p>“I can ask Klaus to make a list,” Luther said. “He wants to help. He already suggested one: Holly.” </p><p>Five scoffed. “Like the plant?” </p><p>“Um, yeah?” </p><p>“I don’t like it.” </p><p>“Oh,” Luther said. “Sorry.” </p><p>“Has anyone ever told you,” Five said. “you apologize too much?” </p><p>Luther chuckled. “Yes.” </p><p>“Maybe you should do something about that.” </p><p>Luther grinned. “Maybe.” </p><p>“Hmm,” Five said. “Anyway, it’s too early to worry about names. We should focus on the mechanics.” </p><p>“Okay,” Luther said. “Let’s do that.” </p><p>Perhaps it would be rude, to say Monday was Five’s favorite day of the week. But he <em> did </em>enjoy the work. And he enjoyed having someone to share it with. </p><p><em> It’s not rude, </em> Dolores said. <em> I think it’s sweet.  </em></p><p>If it were at all practical, Five would work until the last possible minute. Until the stroke of midnight, when the day had officially escaped him. </p><p>But that wasn’t practical, so he allowed Luther to dictate their stopping point. </p><p>“Time for dinner,” Luther said. “Did Ben tell you he’s making dinner for us now? He was really excited yesterday because he’s going to try out a new recipe tonight.” </p><p>“No,” Five said. “Ben didn’t tell me that.” </p><p>“Oh,” Luther said. “Well, Mom’s been teaching him. And it works out, because she’s really busy this week. Her art exhibit is, uh, I think she said it’s a ‘smash’ and, like, it’s going well.” </p><p>“That’s good,” Five said. “Happy to hear it.” </p><p><em> You can ask him, </em> Dolores said. <em> It’s a harmless question.  </em></p><p><em> No, </em>Five thought. </p><p><em> It’s easy, </em> Dolores said. <em> ‘What did you do on the moon, Luther?’ Say it just like that. Go on.  </em></p><p><b> <em>NO,</em> </b> Five thought.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Luther said. </p><p>“I loathe that question,” Five said. “I absolutely <em> abhor-” </em></p><p>“I’m sorry,” Luther said, quickly. “I’m really sorry.”</p><p>“How many times do I have to say so?” </p><p>“I forgot,” Luther said. “My bad.” </p><p>“Don’t forget,” Five said. “I never want to hear that question again.” </p><p>“Okay,” Luther said. “But… what’s on your mind?” </p><p>“Nothing,” Five said. “My mind is as empty as your stomach. Go eat your dinner.” </p><p>“But-”</p><p>“I’m hanging up.” </p><p>Five hung up, then teleported into Allison’s room. </p><p>She was straightening her hair and startled, nearly burning herself. “Shit! You’re supposed to <em> knock.” </em></p><p>“What the <em> hell </em>did Luther do on the moon?!” </p><p>Allison blinked. “Um… I don’t know? He studied moon rocks?” </p><p>“You’re useless,” Five huffed. </p><p>“Rude,” Allison said. “You’re the one who-”</p><p>He teleported back to his room.</p><p><em> Scoundrel, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>“Shut up,” Five said. “I’m going to name that robot chatty Cathy. I’m going to-”</p><p>
  <em> Catherine is a respectable name. </em>
</p><p>“Shut up!” </p><p>Dolores did not shut up.</p><p>
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  <b>Tuesday</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Klaus was quite the character. Phone calls with him were as exhausting as they were amusing. He would ramble about his love affairs, his comedy gigs, and the various ways he would harass his brothers. </p><p>“So then Diego said-”</p><p>“Your time is up,” Five said. </p><p>“Nooo,” Klaus said. “It can’t be up yet!” </p><p>“The clock doesn’t lie.” </p><p>“Give me an extra hour,” Klaus said. </p><p>“No.” </p><p>“I’ll <em> pay </em>you,” Klaus said. “We can use that pocket cash app thingy-”</p><p>“No.” </p><p>“Okay, so you don’t need money,” Klaus said. “What about secrets? You love those!”</p><p>Five grinned, and was glad Klaus couldn’t see it. </p><p>“Five?” Klaus said. “Did you hang up? Goddammit.” </p><p>“I didn’t hang up,” Five said. “What secrets are you offering?” </p><p>“The best kind,” Klaus said. “The juiciest gossip.” </p><p>“I’m listening.” </p><p>“Nuh uh,” Klaus said. “First we need to… how do you say it? Establish terms?” </p><p><em> He’s learning, </em>Dolores said. </p><p><em> From the best, </em>Five agreed. </p><p>“I’m willing to negotiate,” Five said.</p><p>“Great!” Klaus said. “I want <em> ten </em>hours.” </p><p>Five laughed. “Uh huh.” </p><p>“Okay, fine,” Klaus said. “Five hours. Five hours with Five, doesn’t that sound perfect? It’s <em> cosmic.”  </em></p><p>“Hmm,” Five said. “Are you asking for five hours in total, or five additional hours?” </p><p>Currently, they were operating on three hour phone calls. Every Tuesday. </p><p>“Um,” Klaus said. “Additional.” </p><p>“That would be eight hours in total,” Five said. “Not so cosmic.” </p><p>“Fine,” Klaus said. “You wore me down. Five hours in total. That’s my final offer.” </p><p>“Four hours.” </p><p>“Noooo.”</p><p>“Then I’m hanging up.” </p><p>“You can’t walk!” Klaus said. “This is an amazing secret! It’s about Allison and Luther!” </p><p><em> That </em>got Five’s attention. “What about Allison and Luther?” </p><p>“You’ve gotta agree on five hours,” Klaus said. “Or you’ll never find out.” </p><p>“I can ask Ben.”</p><p>“Ben doesn’t know.” </p><p>“You’re lying.”</p><p>“Or <em> am </em>I?” Klaus said. “Is that a risk you’re willing to take?” </p><p>“Is this about the moon?” </p><p>“Nope,” Klaus said. “It’s better than that.” </p><p><em> Better? </em> Five thought. <em> Then he </em> <b> <em>does </em> </b> <em> know what Luther was doing up there. </em></p><p>“How long was Luther stationed there?” Five said. “Four years, wasn’t it?” </p><p>“Yeah, dude,” Klaus said. “That’s not a secret. Everyone knows that.” </p><p>“Of course,” Five said. “Because Luther was up there… doing research.” </p><p>“I recognize a fishing net when I see… er, when I hear one.”</p><p>“That’s a poorly phrased metaphor.” </p><p>“You know what I meant.” </p><p>“Sure,” Five said. “And <em> you </em>know what I’m after.” </p><p>“It’s boring stuff,” Klaus said. “I guess it mattered to Luther, but… nah, there’s no point talking about the moon. I’ve got something <em> better.”  </em></p><p>“And <em> I’ve </em>got work to do,” Five said. “I’m hanging up.” </p><p>“But Fiiiiive.” </p><p>“We can revisit these negotiations next week,” Five said. “In the meantime, work on your bargaining skills. They could use some polish.” </p><p>He hung up. </p><p><em> I love him, </em> Dolores said. <em> You should give him more of your time.  </em></p><p>“Uh huh,” Five said. “You can give him all the time you want. The two of you can frolic in that meadow together.” </p><p>
  <em> Don’t be cheeky.  </em>
</p><p><em> “You’re </em>cheeky,” Five said. “Why can’t I be cheeky?” </p><p>
  <em> It’s beneath you.  </em>
</p><p>“Suuuure.”</p><p><em> Don’t draw out your words like that, </em> Dolores said. <em> You’re not a nine year old.  </em></p><p>“Age is a construct,” Five said. “Now shut up. I’ve got work to do.” </p><p><em> You men and your projects, </em> Dolores said. <em> I wish you would learn to relax. Be a little more like Klaus. He enjoys his life.  </em></p><p>“He’s lazy.”</p><p><em> He’s an artist, </em> Dolores said. <em> He embraces the world and then he molds his experiences into his craft.  </em></p><p>“Stand up comedy may be an art form,” Five said. “But it’s not… it’s not elegant. You of all people should recognize that.”</p><p>
  <em> Pish posh.  </em>
</p><p>“You’re always raving about Grace’s artwork!” Five said. “I thought you wouldn’t… I thought you would look down on comedy.” </p><p>
  <em> Then you don’t know me as well as you think you do.  </em>
</p><p>Five frowned. </p><p><em> Do </em> <b> <em>you </em> </b> <em> look down on comedy? </em></p><p>“Of course not,” Five said. “It can be crass, but it has its merits. And it makes people happy.”</p><p><em> You mean it makes </em> <b> <em>Klaus</em> </b> <em> happy.  </em></p><p>“That’s a bonus, I guess.”  </p><p>
  <em> I just wish you would- </em>
</p><p>“Stop it,” Five said. “I’m tired of your wishes.” </p><p><em> Fair enough, </em> Dolores said. <em> Enjoy your work.  </em></p><p>Five opened his mouth, then closed it. There was no point in responding. She was gone. Five couldn’t watch her leave a room anymore than he could watch her leave his mind, but he felt her absence. </p><p>It was fine. A break would do them some good. </p><p>
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  <b>Wednesday</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Ben was a bookworm. Usually, he had good taste. But this latest selection... Margaret Atwood's <em> The Blind Assassin. </em>Five considered it an irritating novel.</p><p><em> "Stick a shovel into the ground almost anywhere and some horrible thing or other will come to light,” </em> Ben’s voice gently drifted out of the phone’s speaker as he read. <em> “Good for the trade, we thrive on bones; without them there would be no stories." </em></p><p>Normally, Five would recline in the chaise lounge chair and close his eyes to listen, but now he sat up. “Stop,” he said. “Stop reading.”</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Ben said. </p><p>“I don’t like this one,” Five said. “Pick a different book.”</p><p>"We're only twenty pages in," Ben said. "Give it a chance. It’ll get better."</p><p>“The entire <em> structure,” </em> Five insisted. “is unnecessarily confusing. First we’re learning about this poor girl driving off a bridge, then we’re pelted with mundane newspaper articles-”</p><p>“I know you hate journalism,” Ben said. “But it’s such a small part of the novel. It’s got a thematic point and we just-”</p><p>“I don’t care about the thematic point,” Five said. “It’s poor writing. It’s too… meandering.” </p><p>“I thought it was cool,” Ben said. “Especially the novel within a novel thing.” </p><p>“You’re a sucker for that trope,” Five said. “But we can find another book. One that does it better.” </p><p>“But what about the one hundred page rule?” Ben said. “You’re the one who-”</p><p>“I’m throwing that rule out,” Five said. “It’s official. The rule is gone.” </p><p>“That’s not fair,” Ben said. “You made me read <em>Flowers for Algernon</em> for <em> you, </em> but you won’t read this for <em> me?” </em></p><p>“You loved <em>Flowers for Algernon!” </em></p><p>“Because I kept reading until it got better,” Ben insisted. “The first few chapters were super depressing, but I kept going because of the one hundred page rule!” </p><p>“As if the last few chapters weren’t just as depressing.” </p><p>“Yeah, but… it was the good kind of depressing,” Ben said. “I don’t know.” </p><p>“Fine,” Five said. “I’ll tolerate one hundred pages, but at that point we stop.” </p><p>“Unless you start liking the book,” Ben said. </p><p>“I won’t.” </p><p>“You might.” </p><p>“Ben,” Five groaned. </p><p>“Okay, okay,” Ben said. “We’ll stop at page one hundred. Can I keep reading?” </p><p>“Go ahead.”</p><p>
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  <em> "The King knows what happened and it gives him nightmares, but the rest of them don't know. They don't know they've become so small. They don't know they're supposed to be dead. They don't even know they've been saved. To them the ceiling of rocks looks like a sky-"  </em>
</p><p>Abruptly, Five hung up. </p><p>It was an impulsive decision, but his heart was racing, his breath escaping him... </p><p>He couldn’t <em> breathe. </em></p><p><em> You </em> <b> <em>can </em> </b> <em> breathe, </em> Dolores said. <em> Take deep breaths. In and out. You’re going to be fine.  </em></p><p>Five did as he was told. </p><p>And time passed. </p><p>And he was fine.</p><p>
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</p><p>He had eleven missed calls from Ben, five from Vanya, and two from Allison. </p><p>Five winced, and dialed Ben. </p><p>“I’m very sorry,” Five said. “My phone… broke.” </p><p>“Oh,”  Ben said. “I thought… um, I called Allison. I have to call her back. She said she would get out of work early to go and check on you.”</p><p>“I’ll call her,” Five said. “I hope she hasn't left yet. Her director is temperamental.”  </p><p>“Okay, but… your phone broke?” Ben said. “But it’s fine now?” </p><p>“I fixed it,” Five said. “I’m going to reassure Allison and then… did you call Vanya too?”</p><p>“Sorry,” Ben said. “I didn’t know what to think.” </p><p>“That’s okay,” Five said. “Give me some time and then we can… we’ll continue <em> The Blind Assassin.”  </em></p><p>“Um,” Ben said. “Actually, I think you were right. That book is too… um, I don’t like it anymore.”</p><p>“Liar.” </p><p>“Let’s read something else,” Ben insisted. “Something happier.” </p><p>“I’m not looking for happy,” Five said.  </p><p>“Please?” </p><p>“Alright,” Five said. “Pick something else.” </p><p>“Thank you,” Ben said. “Call me back when you’re ready.” </p><p>“I will.” </p><p>
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  <b>Thursday</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Every week, Diego would call. And every week, Five dreaded it. </p><p><em> That’s the wrong word, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Emotions were confusing. Inherently difficult to parse and contradictory... but ‘dread’ was probably accurate. </p><p><em> No it isn’t, </em>Dolores insisted. </p><p>"I'll call again next week," Diego was saying. </p><p>"Yeah, yeah," Five said. "You always say that." </p><p>"You can call me before then," Diego said. "If there-"</p><p>"If there's an emergency," Five said. "I <em> know."  </em></p><p>Whatever emergency Diego was waiting for, it never came. </p><p>"I know you know," Diego snapped. "But Allison said you like repetition." </p><p>"Incorrect," Five said. "I like structure. Redundancies are inefficient." </p><p>"Riiight," Diego said, sarcastically. "Which is why you prefer keeping to the schedule." </p><p>"This is the first and last time I will repeat myself," Five said. "If the schedule bothers you, you don't have to participate." </p><p>"I'd never get to talk to you if I didn't participate!”</p><p>"Not true," Five said. "If you call me on a different day I'll still answer." </p><p>"Yeah, but you'll be busy," Diego said. "And you'll resent the interruption."</p><p>"I won't resent it." </p><p>"You'll be in a hurry to hang up," Diego said. "You'll barely even hear me and you'll-"</p><p>"What do you want from me?" Five said. "No matter what I do or how I try to compromise you're determined to hate me." </p><p>
  <em> "What?"  </em>
</p><p>"So just... stop calling, hmm? That would be easier for both of us."  </p><p>"I don't hate you!" </p><p>"Liar." Five spoke calmly, coldly. "You hate my guts. You resent my very existence." </p><p>Diego sputtered on the other end of the line. </p><p>"Anyway, I'm hanging up."</p><p>"Wait!" Diego said. "You really don't want me to call you? At all? Ever?”</p><p>
  <em> "Yes." </em>
</p><p>"But I'm your brother!"</p><p>"So?" Five said. "I have three more." </p><p>Silence. </p><p>"I'm really hanging up now."</p><p>"Look, I'm sorry," Diego said. "I don't know what I did to tick you off."</p><p>Five sighed. "You're a headache." </p><p>"Why?" Diego said. "What'd I do?" </p><p>"You're just an irritating person," Five said. "I hate talking to you. There. I said it, so now you can ignore me with a clear conscience."</p><p>"Ignore you? You think I want to ignore you?" Diego said. "You really think I hate you?" </p><p>Five rolled his eyes, choosing not to answer.</p><p>"You won't block my calls, right?" Diego said. "You can't block them." </p><p>"When have I ever done that?" </p><p>"Just say you won't!" </p><p>"I won't block your calls, Diego." </p><p>"You can't ignore them either," Diego said. "You can't send me to voicemail or anything like that." </p><p>"Fuck you," Five said, stoically. "I wouldn't do that."  </p><p><em> You’re as stoic as a chihuahua, </em>Dolores said.</p><p>"Okay," Diego said. "Good. I'll call again next week." </p><p>"Fine." </p><p>"Listen," Diego said. "I love you, alright?" </p><p>"Sure."</p><p>"I'm serious!" Diego said. "I fucking love you." </p><p>"Alright." </p><p>Silence.</p><p>"Can I hang up now?" Five said. </p><p>"Yeah," Diego said. "Go ahead." </p><p>Five did so, relieved to be done with the whole affair. </p><p><em> Until next week, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Five sighed.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Sulk as a family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em> Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them. </em>
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  <em> ― Steve Maraboli </em>
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</p><p>"I thought about what you said." Vanya sat herself down across from her therapist and spoke quickly, hyper-conscious of how short the session would be. "I get what you meant, about the emotional blackmail and, and I wasn't doing it on purpose, but I've recognized it and corrected my behavior." </p><p>"That's good," Mrs. Duchemin said.</p><p>"But I don't see myself as the victim," Vanya said. "If anything, I think <em> Five </em>is the victim." </p><p>Duchemin smiled wryly. "Which Five are we talking about today?" </p><p>"The older one," Vanya said. "In California." </p><p>"What makes him the victim?" </p><p>"His entire life in the Apocalypse!" Vanya said. "It was my fault. I can never atone for that."</p><p>Duchemin pursed her lips. "Let's be careful not to over-correct. The world is not made up of victims and perpetrators." </p><p>"Maybe not," Vanya said. "But I <em> am </em>the perpetrator. I ended the world." </p><p>Vanya knew this topic made Mrs. Duchemin uncomfortable. Whether the woman considered the descriptions of time travel and world destruction true to life or a massive delusion was never clear; both would be alarming, Vanya supposed. </p><p>"It's in the past," Duchemin said, carefully. </p><p>"I know," Vanya said. "I know I shouldn't dwell on it. I only brought it up because… because I <em> don't </em>see myself as the victim. That's my point. I'm the perpetrator." </p><p>Duchemin shook her head. "They're not binary identities. One can be both. In fact, it could be argued that every single one of us <em> is </em>both at one time or another." </p><p>Vanya frowned. She didn't know what she was supposed to say to that. </p><p>"But let's pick up where we left off last time," Duchemin said. "How's Ben? Did you two resolve the conflict with Diego?" </p><p>"I told Diego jealousy is unhealthy," Vanya said. "And Ben backed me up, so… yeah." </p><p>"There's that word again," Duchemin said. "Do you ever think your fixation on achieving this illusive 'healthy' behavior might itself be unhealthy?" </p><p>Vanya blinked. </p><p>"I'll take that as a no," Duchemin said.</p><p>"But… we're a dysfunctional family," Vanya said. </p><p>"Yes." </p><p>"Didn't you say it's good to… to change that?" Vanya said. "To shed the old coping mechanisms and replace them with healthier ones?" </p><p>"I <em> did </em>say that," Duchemin said. "But I worry you're pushing a boulder up a hill." </p><p>Vanya straightened. "Like Sisyphus?" </p><p>Duchemin smiled. "You know your Greek mythology, I see." </p><p>"I had a… a well rounded education," Vanya murmured. </p><p>Duchemin said something else, but Vanya had tuned out. She was stuck on Sisyphus.</p><p><em> I'm Sisyphus, </em>Five had said. It was one of the last things he'd told her, before The Rumor. </p><p>“Vanya?” Duchemin said. “You still with me?”</p><p>"I think Diego should be held accountable," Vanya said. "I don't want to be manipulative, but sometimes you <em> have </em>to… to be like that. It's the only way to get him to do what's right!" </p><p>Duchemin tilted her head. "Let's backtrack. Is this still about his jealousy issues?" </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "It's about Five. Diego still hasn't gone to visit him." </p><p>"Ah," Duchemin said. "In California." </p><p>"Yes," Vanya said. "I'm heading over there for the 4th of July and I want Diego to go with me, but he's… resistant." </p><p>"Did he say why?" </p><p>"He'll say things like 'there's no point' or that L.A. is a toxic waste dump." </p><p>"A toxic waste dump?" </p><p>"I dunno," Vanya said. "It's not like New York is any better. It's just an excuse." </p><p>"Is that what you told him?" </p><p>"Yes," Vanya said. "And then he tried to say the people in L.A. are shallow. Cause Hollywood. But <em> I </em>said he owes it to Five-"</p><p>"There you go again," Duchemin said. "Do you remember what I said about the idea that we 'owe' something to our family members?" </p><p>"Not because Five is family," Vanya insisted. "Because of everything Five has done for us!" </p><p>"No," Duchemin said. "Do you think Five did those things because he expected the debt to be repaid?" </p><p>"No," Vanya admitted. "He did… all the things he did… because he loves us." </p><p>"Exactly," Duchemin said. "And love, affection, or trips to California are not things we're entitled to. Any of us." </p><p>"But don't you think Five <em> deserves </em>affection?" Vanya said. </p><p>"I think we all have basic needs," Duchemin said. "When those needs are not met, we call it neglect. Neglect is a form of abuse." </p><p>"Right!" Vanya said. "Diego is neglecting-" </p><p>"No, no," Duchemin said. "There's an important distinction you're not making here." </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>"Let's pretend for a minute," Duchemin said. "That Five is a normal child." </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"Just for a minute," Duchemin said. "He's a normal child living in California. Allison is his sole guardian and they have an extended family on the other side of the country." </p><p>"Allison <em> is </em>his sole guardian," Vanya said. </p><p>"When we talk about neglect," Duchemin said. "We're talking about a child whose <em> guardian </em> has failed to provide the things for him that he cannot provide for himself." </p><p>Vanya swallowed. "Okay…" </p><p>"This involves food and shelter," Duchemin said. "But it also includes supervision, guidance, and yes: affection." </p><p>"You're saying only Allison is responsible for Five?" Vanya said. "And Diego isn't?" </p><p>"When a parent needs to go out, they get a babysitter," Duchemin said. "Often, a family friend or a relative. Allison has implemented a system that serves the same function." </p><p>"Yeah," Vanya said. "And everyone takes turns going over there with me. <em> Except </em> Diego." </p><p>"If I asked my brother to babysit my son," Duchemin said. "and he said no, would that be neglect?" </p><p>"I guess not," Vanya said. "But anyway, Five isn't a real kid." </p><p>"He isn't," Duchemin agreed. "But even if he <em> were, </em>that wouldn't make him entitled to Diego's time or affection." </p><p>"Klaus told me Diego got hurt again," Vanya said. "It was worse than usual and Mom used the healing serum." </p><p>"And did Diego recover?" </p><p>"He recovered perfectly!" Vanya said. "Thanks to <em> Five."  </em></p><p>"Do you think," Duchemin spoke slowly, carefully. "that perhaps… it might have been your father who implemented this idea of debt and repayment?" </p><p>"I don't know," Vanya said. "What time is it?" </p><p>Duchemin pulled out her phone and checked the time. "We have eight minutes left." </p><p>"Oh." </p><p>"Would you like to end this session early?" </p><p>Vanya shifted uncomfortably. "Is that allowed?" </p><p>"Yes," Duchemin said. "Shall we do that?" </p><p>"Yes," Vanya said. "If you don't mind." </p><p>"I don't mind at all," Duchemin said. "So I'll see you next week, but not the week after, correct?" </p><p>"Yeah, I'll be in California." </p><p>"Good to know," Duchemin said. "Enjoy the rest of your day." </p><p>"Thanks," Vanya said. "Um, and I'll be careful not to, uh, emotionally blackmail Diego. Because…. because the ends <em> don't </em>justify the means." </p><p>Duchemin grinned. "Good! I'm proud of you, Vanya." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya mumbled.</p><p>Embarrassed, Vanya hurried out of the room.</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Vanya had accepted the fact that Diego was Diego: too stubborn to be budged. She talked to everyone else and they agreed: Luther would go to L.A. with her for the 4th of July. Because it had been a while since he'd last had the chance.</p><p>Their first holiday after The Rumor had been a bit of a disaster. They'd <em> all </em>gone (except for Diego) and Five had been overwhelmed by all the introductions and overlapping conversations. </p><p>When Vanya suggested they visit Five two at a time Luther said it was a good idea. </p><p>At first, she thought Diego would come around and ask for a turn on his own. But eight long months had gone by since The Rumor. It looked like Diego was a lost cause. </p><p><em> And that's okay, </em> Vanya told herself. <em> Some things are out of my hands.  </em></p><p>Then, two days before the 4th of July trip, she got a call from Diego. </p><p>"I'm going to L.A," Diego said. "Luther is giving me his ticket."</p><p>"Oh," Vanya said. "Okay." </p><p>"Just thought I should give you a heads up," Diego said. </p><p>"Oh," Vanya said. "Thank you? For letting me know." </p><p>"I'm gonna pick you up three hours before the flight," Diego said. "Be ready." </p><p>"Isn't that a bit early?" </p><p>"Is it?" </p><p>"I guess it's fine," Vanya said. "We can eat at the food court while we wait." </p><p>"Great," Diego said. "Listen, is there anything I need to pack? Besides the obvious." </p><p>"No? I don't think so." </p><p>"Klaus said Five is different," Diego said. "Not just different from the younger one. But also different… from how he used to be." </p><p>"Haven't you been talking to him?" Vanya said. "Five told me you call him every week. Was he lying?" </p><p>"He wasn't lying," Diego said. "Jesus, why would he lie about that?" </p><p>"Five likes to lie," Vanya said. "You know, to be nice." </p><p>"Uh huh," Diego said. "He doesn't pull that shit with <em> me. </em> … Or, if he did, he wouldn't do it to be <em> nice." </em></p><p>"You just don't understand him the way I do," Vanya said. "He <em> is </em>nice. You don't see it because-" </p><p>"Whatever," Diego said. "I'll pick you up, we'll get on the plane, we'll go over there." </p><p>"Promise me you won't antagonize him," Vanya said. </p><p>"I won't," Diego said. "If we fight, I'll be the <em> pro-</em>tagonist." </p><p>"Diego," Vanya groaned. </p><p>"That was a joke," Diego said. "Lighten up." </p><p>"Sure." </p><p>"So I don't need to pack anything kooky?" Diego said. </p><p>"What did Klaus <em> tell </em>you?" </p><p>"Nevermind," Diego said. "He's the worst person to take advice from. I don't know why I listen to him." </p><p><em> "I </em> can give you advice," Vanya said. "I know Five really well." </p><p>"So does Ben," Diego said. "I'll ask him." </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"See you later," Diego said, dismissively. </p><p>Vanya sighed. "Bye." </p><p><br/>
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</p><p><em> It’s been a long while, </em> Vanya thought. <em> since I’ve been alone with Diego. </em> </p><p>The hours waiting at the airport, then sitting on the plane together, were a lot of… a <em> lot </em>of alone time. </p><p>"You remember last year?" Diego said. "The barbeque?" </p><p>"Yeah," Vanya said. "It was really awkward." </p><p>"Five and Klaus skipped out," Diego said. "Remember? I was pissed." </p><p>"I remember," Vanya said. "Please, don't be like that this time? If Five doesn't want to celebrate, we should respect that." </p><p>Diego shrugged. "It's a stupid holiday anyway. I was just hung up on the novelty." </p><p>"Because we never celebrated as kids?" </p><p>"Yeah," Diego said. "And because… like, I'd celebrated it with friends before, but last year was the first time I tried doing something with you guys. It was our first real holiday." </p><p>"But we also celebrated Mother's Day," Vanya said. "So wasn't it the second?" </p><p>"But Mother's Day is about Mom," Diego said. "The 4th of July is more general. I dunno." </p><p>"Right," Vanya said. "I guess I can see why it might have felt significant." </p><p>"Anyway, I was pissed," Diego said. "But then Luther told me something that I'll never forget." </p><p>"What did he tell you?" </p><p>"He said Klaus has PTSD," Diego said. "The fireworks make him uncomfortable." </p><p>Vanya blinked. <em> "Klaus </em>has PTSD?" </p><p>"Five too, probably." </p><p>"Wait," Vanya said. "I didn't notice… is that why Klaus drinks? To mask the symptoms?" </p><p>Diego frowned at her. "He's not drinking anymore." </p><p>"I know, but… I haven't seen any strange behavior from him?" </p><p>"Everything Klaus does is strange." </p><p>"I haven't seen <em> PTSD </em>behavior," Vanya said. "Isn't it, like… like flashbacks? What's Klaus flashing back to?" </p><p>"Vietnam," Diego said. "I was surprised too, cause he hides it well, but-"</p><p>"Wait, wait, wait," Vanya said. "You mean the <em> war? </em>But I thought Klaus spent the sixties with that peace loving cult!" </p><p>"It happened before that," Diego said. "Klaus took a trip to the seventies, or something? With a briefcase. By himself." </p><p>"He did?" </p><p><em> Why didn't anyone tell me?! </em>Vanya thought. </p><p>"I thought you knew," Diego said. </p><p>"I <em> didn't."  </em></p><p>"Shit," Diego said. "Uh… sorry?" </p><p>Vanya pressed her lips firmly together, and shrugged. </p><p><em> I'm not a victim, </em>she reminded herself. </p><p>"Uh… um, well, my point was," Diego said. "That stuff like that, PTSD or whatever, it always looks super obvious in movies. Like, you see a dude staring off into the distance and they get all these sound effects going so we can hear what he's hearing. Or we even get to see the flashback." </p><p>Vanya nodded. </p><p>"But in real life, you can't see it," Diego said. "Like, maybe Luther guessed because he saw Klaus space out a couple times. But Luther was <em> living </em>with him. I wasn't, back then, so I just saw my brother acting like an asshole. And I was pissed. Like an idiot." </p><p>"I'm glad… Luther got through to you," Vanya said. </p><p>"Yeah, me too," Diego said. "And he said Five is similar. Like, he's got invisible hangups. Cause… you know." </p><p>
  <em> The Apocalypse.  </em>
</p><p>"What I'm trying to say," Diego said. "Is that I'm going to play nice, alright? Just… just don't be nagging at me the whole time." </p><p><em> So when Luther gives advice it's useful, </em> Vanya thought. <em> But when </em> <b> <em>I </em> </b> <em> do it, it's nagging? </em></p><p>"I won't nag you," Vanya said. "But-" </p><p>"Ah, ah," Diego said. "Quit while you're ahead." </p><p>"Fine." Vanya said. “Listen, I’m going to take a nap.” </p><p>“Yeah? Alright.” </p><p>Vanya didn’t want to take a nap, but she <em> did </em> want to put a decisive end to the conversation. </p><p>So she closed her eyes and pretended to sleep until the plane landed. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Allison picked them up from the airport. She always insisted on doing so. Even though a taxi would have been easier. Even though Allison had her own flight to worry about. </p><p><em> Hurry up and go to New York, </em>Vanya thought. </p><p>“Goodbye hug?” Allison said. </p><p>They’d never done this before, but Five gave Allison the requested hug and Vanya frowned. Was it really that easy? Should she ask for a ‘hello’ hug? But then Five and Diego were bustling around with luggage. Taking bags out of Allison’s car, putting a different set of bags <em> into </em>Allison’s car, and generally bickering like little boys... </p><p>When Allison was finally gone, it felt too late for a hello hug. </p><p>Vanya sighed. </p><p>“You’ve been quiet,” Five said. “Something on your mind?” </p><p>“No,” Vanya said, quickly. “It was a long flight. I’m just sort of tired.” </p><p>“Didn’t you get enough sleep?” Diego said. </p><p>“Um,” Vanya said. </p><p>“Sleep is important,” Five said. “Are you still having problems with your circadian rhythm?” </p><p>“The fuck is circadian rhythm?” Diego said. </p><p>“A sleep schedule,” Five said. </p><p>“Does everything have to be on a schedule?” Diego said. </p><p>“No,” Five huffed. “But the body has natural rhythms, which-”</p><p>“I’ve been sleeping fine,” Vanya interrupted. “You don’t have to worry.” </p><p>“Alright,” Five said. </p><p>“Have <em> you </em>been sleeping well?” Vanya said. </p><p>“Yes,” Five said. “Have you two eaten?” </p><p>Vanya studied Five carefully and tried to guess: was this a lie? Was Five actually sleeping terribly and unwilling to admit it? </p><p>“We ate at the airport,” Diego said. “So we’re good.” </p><p>“Good,” Five said. </p><p>The three of them stood in Allison’s foyer, regarding each other. </p><p>“Um,” Vanya said. “I’ll just… I’ll put my things in the guest room.” </p><p>“Oh shit,” Diego said. “How many guest rooms are there? This looks like a small apartment.” </p><p>“Only one,” Five said. “But I can sleep in Allison’s room while you’re here. You take mine.” </p><p>“Why don’t I just sleep in Allison’s room?” Diego said. </p><p>“Because,” Five said. “she probably wouldn’t like that.” </p><p>“Lemme call her,” Diego said. “I’ll ask for permission or whatever.” </p><p>“No,” Five said. “Just take my room.” </p><p>“Um,” Vanya said. “What if <em> I </em>sleep in Allison’s room? Diego can have the guest room.” </p><p>“Sure,” Five said. </p><p>“What the hell?” Diego said. “It’s fine if Vanya sleeps there, but not me?” </p><p>“Vanya has slept there before,” Five said. “It’s already been established that… that it’s allowed.” </p><p>This was a lie. Vanya had <em> not </em>slept in Allison’s room before. Every time she’d visited, no matter who she came with, Five would sleep in Allison’s room. </p><p><em> Is he being protective? </em> Vanya thought. <em> He’s, what, defending Allison’s stuff?  </em></p><p>The idea bothered her, but she knew it was petty. Jealous. Unhealthy. </p><p><em> I’m a terrible person, </em>she thought. </p><p>Five made careful eye contact with her and Vanya realized he was waiting to see if she would confirm or deny his lie. </p><p>“I usually sleep there,” Vanya said. “Sorry, I forgot.” </p><p>“Uh huh,” Diego said. “You’re a shitty liar, Vanya.” </p><p>Vanya winced. </p><p>“The fuck does it matter?” Five said. “You a pervert? You want to sniff your sister’s pillows?” </p><p>“What the <em> fuck,” </em> Diego said. “Why would I, <em> no! </em> Jesus Christ!” </p><p>“Then sleep in the guest room,” Five said. “Or sleep in my room. Those are your choices.” </p><p>Then Five teleported. Maybe he went back to his room, but they wouldn’t know until they checked.</p><p>“What,” Diego said. “the fuck.” </p><p>“Diego,” Vanya groaned. “You have to remember, you’re still a stranger to him.” </p><p>“What?” Diego said. “No, I’m not.” </p><p>“Yes,” Vanya said. “you <em> are.”  </em></p><p>“It’s been months since he… since he rebooted.” </p><p>Vanya frowned. “Don’t call it that. He’s not a computer.” </p><p>“Whatever,” Diego said. “It’s been months since The Rumor.” </p><p>“I know,” Vanya said. “Which means he’s only known you for a few months. He doesn’t have the context-”</p><p>“So he thinks I’m a pervert?” Diego said. “What did I do that made him think I’m a pervert?” </p><p>“He probably doesn’t actually think you’re a pervert,” Vanya said. “But he’s… he’s close with Allison now. Because they live together. So he’s… he’s going to favor her over you.” </p><p><em> And over me, </em> Vanya thought, glumly. <em> Maybe I should move to California. </em></p><p>“I just don’t see-”</p><p>“Please,” Vanya said. “You said you would play nice.” </p><p>“I’m trying to be nice!” </p><p>“It doesn’t look like it,” Vanya said. “You’ve been rude. From the moment we got here-”</p><p>“I’m not trying to be rude,” Diego said. </p><p>“You were being passive aggressive,” Vanya said. “What was that comment about schedules? You have a problem with sleeping normal hours? Or is it actually a problem with his weekly schedule?” </p><p>“You don’t understand,” Diego said. “Klaus is really depressed about it.” </p><p>“He is?” </p><p>“The fucker only gives him three hours a week!” Diego said. “Like, he only gives me <em> one </em>hour, but that’s fine because… because I’m me. But Klaus-”</p><p>“I get where you’re coming from,” Vanya said. “But Klaus is not entitled to Five’s time or affection.” </p><p>Five re-appeared in front of them in his usual flash of blue light. </p><p>“Okay, first of all,” Five said. “I promoted Klaus to <em> five </em>hours a week.” </p><p>“Shit,” Diego said. “Okay, but-”</p><p>“Secondly,” Five said. “if you’re going to discuss me would you at least have the decency to go <em> out </em>or something? Jesus, take a walk. Go to the park.” </p><p>“Noted,” Vanya said. </p><p>“Fuck,” Diego said. “Uh… alright. We’ll take a walk?” </p><p>Five nodded tersly. “We will reconvene in an hour.”</p><p>Diego scowled.</p><p>“Or in two hours,” Five amended. “Wait, did you want more time or less?” </p><p>“Why do we have to <em> measure </em>it?” Diego said. “Can’t we just take however long we need to take and come back when we’re good and ready?” </p><p>Vanya groaned. “Diego-”</p><p>“Fair enough,” Five said. “Your time is your own. I shouldn’t police it.” </p><p>“Yeah, you shouldn’t!” </p><p>“However,” Five said. “you should keep this in mind: I put my usual schedule on hiatus for these visits.” </p><p>“Hiatus?” </p><p>“He pauses it,” Vanya said. “Your day is Thursday, right? You’re the only exception.” </p><p>“What?” Diego said. “What do you mean I’m the exception?” </p><p>“I just thought,” Five said. “that it would be too difficult to explain it to you. So I exempted you from the rule.” </p><p>“What rule?” Diego said. </p><p>“It’s simple,” Vanya said. “Two of us visit for every holiday. While we’re here, Five ignores his schedule to hang out with us. But while we’re here, if it’s Thursday, he still lets you have your phone call.” </p><p>Diego blinked. “Oh. Thanks?” </p><p>“Your fucking welcome,” Five said. “Now go take a walk, jackass. Walk around for <em> ten </em>hours, for all I care.”</p><p>Again, Five vanished. </p><p>“There,” Vanya said. “you see?” </p><p>Diego scratched his cheek. “Uh… let’s go outside. Like he said.”  </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>“I just want,” Vanya said. “to make sure we’re on the same page.”</p><p>“We <em> are,” </em>Diego grumbled. “I get it, okay? I won’t be passive aggressive.” </p><p>“And try to compromise.” </p><p>“I get it!” Diego said. “How long has it been?” </p><p>“It’s only been twenty minutes,” Vanya said. “You want to go back?” </p><p><em> “Yes,” </em>Diego said. “Or will he flip out if we’re early?” </p><p>“He won’t flip out.” </p><p>“Are you sure?” </p><p>Vanya thought about it. “Um… I’m mostly sure?” </p><p>“Goddammit.” </p><p>“Do you think we should take another lap?” Vanya said. “Just to be safe?” </p><p>Diego groaned. </p><p>“The pond is nice,” Vanya said. “Ben said he found some ducks around here somewhere, on his last visit.” </p><p>“I don’t give a shit about ducks,” Diego said. </p><p>“They’re cute?” </p><p>“Are you asking me,” Diego said. “or telling me?” </p><p>“Um,” Vanya said. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen them myself.” </p><p>Diego didn’t respond, so she glanced at him. He was glaring at the pond, as if angrily waiting for the ducks to reveal themselves. </p><p>“Okay, look,” Diego said, still glaring at the pond. “I love you.” </p><p>Vanya blinked. These words were rare from Diego. </p><p>“I said I fucking love you,” Diego said. </p><p>“Thank you,” Vanya said. “I love you too.” </p><p>She stopped walking. Expecting a ‘but’ to come up. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Diego said. </p><p>“Aren’t you going to continue?” </p><p>“Continue?” </p><p>“I’m waiting for the But.” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“You know…” Vanya gestured between them. “You love me, but…?”  </p><p>Diego glared at her. “There isn’t a But.” </p><p>“There isn’t?” </p><p>Diego groaned. “You’re just like Five! Why do you have to make it so hard for me?” </p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>“When I tell him I love him,” Diego said. “He doesn’t believe me.” </p><p>“Oh,” Vanya said. “Um, I don’t think words of affir- kind words are, uh, are his love language.”</p><p>“Then what does he want?” Diego said. “What <em> is </em>his love language?” </p><p>“Quality time, for sure,” Vanya said. “It’s very important to him.” </p><p>Diego threw his hands in the air in pure frustration. “I’m only allowed one hour a week!”  </p><p>“Um,” Vanya said. </p><p>“And didn’t you say it was something else?” Diego said. “You said he likes acts of... he likes <em> action.” </em></p><p>“He also likes acts of service,” Vanya agreed. “But the thing is… like, there’s the love language that you like to <em> give </em> and then there’s the love language you like to <em> receive. </em>Sometimes they overlap, but-”</p><p>“You’re not making any sense,” Diego said. “You never make any sense.” </p><p>“Okay,” Vanya said. “Hmm… think of it like…” </p><p>Five was so good at coming up with metaphors. Vanya would always flounder when <em> she </em>tried to come up with one. She preferred the way her therapist explained things. Duchemin made everything easy to understand, but that wouldn’t work for Diego.  </p><p>“Think of it like <em> what?” </em>Diego said.</p><p>“Okay, just… um, it’s like… Klaus is very huggy.” </p><p>“We’ve been over this,” Diego said. “I give him hugs whenever he wants now.” </p><p>“No, hold on,” Vanya said. “I think I’ve got it. Forget about Klaus.” </p><p>Diego's scowl deepened, but Vanya knew not to take this personally. He was frustrated by the situation, not angry at <em> her. </em></p><p>“Luther,” Vanya said. “He’s super helpful, right? He loves helping.”</p><p>“I guess that’s what he and Five have in common,” Diego said. </p><p>“But have you ever noticed,” Vanya said. “that sometimes he gets uncomfortable when you try to help <em> him?”  </em></p><p>Diego blinked. “What? No, he doesn’t.” </p><p>“He’s not as bad about it as he used to be,” Vanya said. “But, like, Luther’s love language… the one that he wants to give to people is acts of service. <em> Yet, </em> his favorite to <em> receive </em>is kind words. Especially praise.” </p><p>Diego rubbed at the back of his neck. “Okay… yeah, I can see that. He’s a sucker for compliments.” </p><p>“But Five doesn’t need compliments,” Vanya said. “In fact, they embarrass him. He doesn’t like them.” </p><p>“Really?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Vanya said. “I mean, I can’t read his mind. But I think so.” </p><p>“Okay,” Diego said. “So Five doesn't like receiving help.” </p><p>“Not usually,” Vanya said. “He just… he gets kind of embarrassed, but that’s more of a thing with the younger Five." </p><p>"Why the younger Five?"</p><p>"It’s about his pride," Vanya said. "The older one grew out of… I mean, he still has pride, but he doesn't let it get to him as much?" </p><p>"But I've seen Ben and Mom help the younger Five with all kinds of shit." </p><p>"Because they know what they have to do," Vanya said. "They have to say: Five, you’re helping <em> me </em>by allowing me to do this thing… which will also help you, by pure coincidence.” </p><p>Diego chuckled. “He’s an arrogant little shit.” </p><p>“But you love him,” Vanya said, grinning. </p><p>“Of course I fucking love him,” Diego said. “The younger one knows that. I don’t get why the older one doesn’t.” </p><p>“It’s because he’s missing context,” Vanya said. “Without his memories… he doesn’t know how you operate. You need to let him get to know you.” </p><p>“How am I supposed to let him get to know me,” Diego said. “if I’m only allowed one hour per week?” </p><p>“Did you notice the word Five used earlier?” Vanya said. “When he talked about giving Klaus more time? He said he ‘promoted’ Klaus.” </p><p>“Five always uses weird words,” Diego said. “That’s just how he is.” </p><p>Vanya shook her head. “He chooses his words very carefully.” </p><p>“What, so he’s treating Klaus like an employee?” Diego said. “Is that what you’re getting at?” </p><p>“No,” Vanya said. “I don’t think that’s what he meant.” </p><p>“Then what did he mean?” </p><p>“Um,” Vanya said. “I’m not a mind reader… but…” </p><p>“You don’t have to say that every time,” Diego said. “I know you’re guessing.” </p><p>“Right,” Vanya said. “But, like, I think the way Five sees it is… his time needs to be earned? He likes spending time with people that he likes. And if he doesn’t like you, he gives you less time.” </p><p>Diego gaped at her. “So... he hates my fucking guts?” </p><p>“No!” Vanya said. “It's just that he doesn't know you. You've been making it difficult for him." </p><p>"I'm not being difficult!" Diego said. "I did what he told me to do! I call him on Thursdays cause he said so. At four fucking p.m. Every time. Cause he <em> said </em>to."</p><p>"But there's more to it than that," Vanya said. "You… you're always grumpy, so maybe-" </p><p>"Goddammit," Diego said. "So... what? Did I accidentally hurt his feelings? Because… because I'm not a peppy weirdo like Allison?"</p><p>"A peppy weirdo?" </p><p>"You know," Diego said. "She's always all… Hollywood smile. Klaus too. And Luther, I guess… and… and all of you?" </p><p>"Um."</p><p>"What the fuck," Diego said. "Is that it? I have to be smiley and shit?" </p><p>"Not exactly," Vanya said. "Um…" </p><p>"Five thinks I <em> hate </em>him." </p><p>"He does?" </p><p>"He said so," Diego said. "A while ago. He hasn't brought it up again, but… I think he's still thinking it."</p><p>"Wow," Vanya said. "That… it must have taken a lot of courage for him to tell you."  </p><p>"Really?" </p><p>"Five normally wouldn't say something like that," Vanya said. "Not unless… like, if it was <em> really </em>bothering him." </p><p><em> "Fuck." </em> Diego said. "And now <em> he </em> hates <em> me." </em></p><p>"No!" Vanya said. "He… he made you the exception to a rule, remember? That's a big deal for him. He wouldn't do that if he hated you."  </p><p>“Okay, seriously,” Diego said. “Why does he have so many rules? He wasn’t like that before.”</p><p>“He <em> was,” </em>Vanya said. “It feels new because Five was nicer to you before The Rumor. He didn’t make you jump through any hoops because he knew who you were. He already liked you.” </p><p>“But… but I never saw him acting OCD like this,” Diego said. "And the other Five-” </p><p>"It's not something they have in common," Vanya said. "It's a symptom of trauma. Or, that's what my… that's the theory."</p><p>"But he wasn't like this before!" Diego insisted. "He was fine. He wasn't… why did he get <em>worse? </em>Allison said The Rumor would help him." </p><p><em> Allison was wrong, </em>Vanya thought, bitterly. </p><p>“He didn’t get worse,” Vanya sighed. “Before… I think Five was trying to hide it as much as possible. Because he didn’t want to inconvenience us.” </p><p>“Really?” </p><p>“Really.” </p><p>“Shit!” In a burst of unexpected aggression, Diego kicked a park bench. The bench didn’t budge and that seemed to piss Diego off. “Fucking shit!” He kicked the bench again. “They welded this fucking thing to the ground!” </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Vanya said. “Why are you angry?” </p><p>“Because I’m a fucking asshole!” Diego said. “This is like Klaus and the fireworks all over again!” </p><p>“It’s okay,” Vanya said. “You didn’t know.”</p><p>“I should have known!” Diego sat down on the bench, breathing heavily. “Does it hurt him? I’ve been reading up on OCD and it… they say it’s, like, painful. If the rules are broken, or the patterns don’t work out the way the person wants them to.” </p><p>“Um… I don't know?”</p><p><em> “Shit,” </em>Diego said, standing up again. “What time is it? Has it been an hour yet?” </p><p>Vanya checked the time. “It’s been about fifty minutes? Or… or maybe forty minutes.”</p><p>
  <em> "Which is it?!"  </em>
</p><p>"Um… what time did we leave?" </p><p>"Fuck," Diego said. "Let's go back just in case."</p><p>“Hold on,” Vanya said. “I think you’ve misunderstood-”</p><p>“He has OCD!” Diego said. “He has… he has Time OCD! Doesn’t he? Allison said-”</p><p><em> “Wait,” </em>Vanya said. “You need to calm down.”  </p><p>"I'm fucking calm," Diego said. "I just… I didn't really think he had OCD. I thought he was just… fuck. I don't know what I thought. But Allison keeps saying 'we can't diagnose him' and she says-"</p><p>"Since when is <em> Allison </em> an expert?" Vanya said. "She barely understands Five!" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"I'm just saying," Vanya said. "They never even spoke before The Rumor. She doesn't… she barely knows him." </p><p>"What?" Diego said. "They spoke." </p><p>
  <em> "Barely."  </em>
</p><p>"What are you <em> talking </em>about?" </p><p>"Klaus says-"</p><p>"Jesus Christ," Diego said. "We're wasting time!" </p><p>"Diego… it won't hurt him if we're late." </p><p>"How do you know?" Diego said. "You said Five hides his shit. You said he lies to be nice." </p><p>Vanya grabbed her elbow and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "That's… true. But-"</p><p>"From now on," Diego said. "I've gotta assume he's got OCD. Just in case he <em> does."  </em></p><p>"Um," Vanya said. "I think we should… I mean, Five keeps refusing, but he really needs to see a therapist." </p><p>"Fuck," Diego said. "Maybe he does. But those shrinks-"</p><p>"Therapists," Vanya said. "Don't call them shrinks." </p><p>"Those <em> wackos," </em> Diego said. "They don't <em> really </em> care. They're paid to-" </p><p>"Does a fireman care if you're choking on smoke?" </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"It's a metaphor." Vanya gave Diego a tentative smile. "Cause… a fireman is paid to save people. From fires. And smoke." </p><p>Diego rolled his eyes. "Nevermind. I don't want to argue about this again." </p><p>"I'm just saying-" </p><p>"You're wasting time," Diego said.</p><p>"Fine," Vanya said. "Let's go back." </p><p>"Fine." </p><p>"Fine." </p><p>"God," Diego said. "I hate this family." </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "you don't." </p><p>Diego scratched the back of his head. </p><p>"I don't," he admitted. "But I'm really… I'm tired." </p><p>"I'm sorry you feel that way." </p><p>Diego shrugged. "It's… it's not your fault." </p><p><em> No, </em> Vanya thought. <em> it's Allison's fault.  </em></p><p>"Listen," Diego said. "I know I give you a lot of shit." </p><p>"It's okay." </p><p>"I'm starting to think… I'm… it probably isn't." </p><p>Tentatively, Vanya put a hand on Diego's shoulder. He shifted on his feet, looking at the skyline over their heads, then pulled her into an awkward sideways hug. </p><p>It was gruff. Quick, then Diego let go. </p><p>Vanya giggled. </p><p>"The fuck," Diego said. "Don't laugh at me." </p><p>"I'm sorry," Vanya said. "It's just… you reminded me of baby Five." </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"The way you get embarrassed," Vanya said. "It's just like him." </p><p>"Fuck off."</p><p>That made Vanya laugh harder. </p><p>"Fuck off!" </p><p>"Even the way you get offended!" Vanya said. "It's exactly the same, oh my god." </p><p>"That's not true!" Diego said. "We're nothing alike!" </p><p>"Suuure."</p><p>"Fuck. Off." </p><p>"Okay, okay," Vanya said. "You're nothing alike." </p><p>"Now you're just lying to my face." </p><p>"To be nice," Vanya said, smirking. </p><p>"You little shit..." </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>By the time they got back to Allison's apartment, Diego was calmer. </p><p>He was also nervous. Vanya could tell. </p><p>"Five?" Diego called. "You here?" </p><p>Five warped into the room. </p><p>"Present," Five said, gruffly. "Everything in order, then?" </p><p>Diego shrugged, eyes darting around the room like a soldier in enemy territory. "I guess?" </p><p>"Good enough," Five said. "And you, Vanya?" </p><p>"Hmm?" Vanya said. "What about me?" </p><p>"He didn't harass you, did he?" Five frowned at Diego. "If he did, I'll-" </p><p>"He didn't harass me," Vanya said. </p><p>"Damn," Diego said. "You must think I'm a real piece of shit." </p><p>Five sighed. "That's not what I said." </p><p>"It's fine," Diego said. "I deserve it." </p><p><em> Uh oh, </em> Vanya thought. <em> He's over-correcting.  </em></p><p>"What?" Five said. "What do you deserve?" </p><p>"I'm just saying," Diego said. "I get it. I'm an asshole. And, uh, I'm sorry." </p><p>"Uh huh," Five said. "Let's get a move on, hmm? We should-"</p><p>"I <em> mean </em>it," Diego said. "I'm fu- I'm… I'm very sorry? I'm… fuck." </p><p><em> This is painful, </em>Vanya thought. But she couldn't think of a solution. What could she say? What did they need to hear? </p><p>"Alright," Five said. "Calm down. I accept your apology." </p><p>"But do you <em> believe </em>me?" Diego said. </p><p>"Sure." Five looked at his watch. "Look… I'm… there's no rush, but…" </p><p>"But what?" Vanya said. </p><p>"I just thought…" Five glanced at Diego warily. "I wanted…" </p><p>"You can tell us," Diego said. </p><p>Five sighed. </p><p><em> Oh, </em> Vanya thought. <em> He wants to plan the weekend out. </em></p><p>"What are we doing tomorrow?" Vanya said. "It's the 4th, but it's not actually an important holiday. We don't have to… we can just ignore it, if you want." </p><p>"We don't have to ignore it," Five said. "Patrick invited us to join him and his parents for dinner. With Claire. And she likes you, Vanya, so I thought… but I'm willing to be… flexible." </p><p>Now Five was actively avoiding looking in Diego's direction.</p><p>Diego, meanwhile, looked <em> pained.  </em></p><p><em> Has Diego met Claire? </em> Vanya wondered. <em> On the phone or anything? I should have asked him… </em></p><p>"Dinner with Claire sounds nice," Vanya said. "What do you think, Diego?" </p><p>"Sounds nice," Diego said, mechanically. </p><p><em> Oh boy, </em> Vanya thought. <em> He's breaking.  </em></p><p>"Good," Five said. <em> "Patrick </em> told me we should go at 6 p.m." </p><p>Five glared at the ceiling. "Unless that's too <em> strict </em>a schedule." </p><p>
  <em> They really need to have a talk.  </em>
</p><p>"I'm sorry," Diego said, glumly.  </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "As for… the rest of the day… well… you can do as you please." </p><p>"Is there anything else you wanted to do?" Vanya said. </p><p>"No," Five said. </p><p>"Oh," Vanya said. "Okay… um." </p><p>"Is there anything <em> you </em> want to do?" Five said, then added, <em> "Vanya."  </em></p><p>Vanya blinked. "Me? Um…" </p><p>Diego was shrinking in on himself, shoulders hunched, bottom lip trembling. </p><p><em> Shit, </em> Vanya thought. <em> Is he going to </em> <b> <em>cry?! </em> </b></p><p>"Uh," Vanya said. "Um, well, I thought, since this is Diego's first visit, we should… we should show him around?" </p><p>"Show him around?" Five echoed. "And show him what? He hates L.A." </p><p>"I don't hate L.A!" Diego said. </p><p>"You called it a toxic waste dump," Five said. </p><p>Diego winced. </p><p>Vanya sighed. </p><p>"Um," Diego said. "I… changed my mind?" </p><p>"Uh huh," Five said. "Vanya's not the only terrible liar." </p><p>"I'm <em> sorry," </em>Diego said. </p><p>"Now you sound like Luther," Five said. "What are you so sorry for? I don't get it." </p><p>"I'm sorry for being a dumbass!" Diego said. "I'm sorry for… I'm sorry that… I'm an asshole." </p><p>Vanya was tempted to leave them alone, but she was also worried they'd get into a fight if she did. </p><p>A <em> real </em>fight. A physical one. </p><p>"That's enough," Five said. "Self deprecation is unbecoming." </p><p>"Fuuuuck," Diego said. "You sound like Dad." </p><p>"He's kidding!" Vanya said. "Ignore him, Five." </p><p>Now Five looked confused. "Uh… I've read a few articles online. About Reginald. But, uh…" </p><p>"It's okay," Vanya said. "We don't have to talk about him."  </p><p>Diego shifted uncomfortably. "I shouldn't have said that," he said. "I'm sorry." </p><p>"Stop being sorry!" Five said. </p><p><em> "Sorry!" </em> Diego said, emphatically. "Jesus Christ, just let me be sorry!" </p><p>"You're over-correcting, Diego." As soon as the words were out, Vanya regretted them. </p><p>"Fuck you," Diego said. "We don't need your therapy bullshit right now." </p><p>"Don't talk to her like that," Five said. "She deserves respect." </p><p>Diego took a deep breath in, then slowly let it out. Then he said, "Okay. Sorry." </p><p>"Fuck you!" Five said. </p><p>"What?" Diego said. "Why?" </p><p>Five looked frustrated. "I don't know! You're just… I have a headache!" </p><p>By now, Vanya recognized 'I have a headache' as code for 'I am overwhelmed.'</p><p>"That's okay," she said, quickly. "You can take a nap." </p><p>Five nodded tersly, then disappeared. </p><p>"A nap?" Diego said. </p><p>"He needed permission to leave," Vanya said. "He needed an excuse." </p><p>"Since when does he… you know what? Alright." Diego took another couple of deep breaths. </p><p>Vanya was tempted to take advantage of this newfound patience. She wanted to explain what 'over-correcting' was and why it was unhealthy, but she restrained herself.</p><p>"Klaus was probably right," Diego added. "You really are a Five expert. I'm just… I'm going to listen to you."  </p><p>"Wow," Vanya said. "Thank you." </p><p>"But I have a question," Diego said. </p><p>"What is it?" </p><p>"So Ben thinks Old Five is-" Diego cut himself off and glanced around. "Wait, should we take another walk?" </p><p>"Probably," Vanya said. </p><p>"Do we have to schedule it?" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"I just…" Diego gestured vaguely towards the bedrooms. </p><p>Then Diego whispered, "I don't want him to freak." </p><p>"He won't," Vanya said. "I'll text him to let him know we're going out again." </p><p>"Okay, but… is he going to tell you how long we can take? How does this work?" </p><p>"He's not as strict with time as you think he is."</p><p>"But you said there were rules," Diego said. "Are they written down somewhere? Do I have to memorize them?" </p><p>"Um… I'll write them down for you."</p><p>"Okay," Diego said. "But, yeah, let's go back to the park." </p><p>"Maybe we'll find the ducks this time." </p><p>Diego snorted. "Sure." </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Dinner was an awkward affair, but Vanya played a recording of one of her concerts for them to listen to while they ate. She figured these boys needed a break from words of all kind. </p><p>They <em> really </em>needed to talk, but they also needed to be calm. They needed… they needed time to gather themselves. </p><p>After dinner, Five suggested a movie. By that point, Diego was <em> desperate </em>to be agreeable, so he just nodded along. He tried to smile, but it looked… it looked forced. </p><p>It seemed like Five was feeling the same way, but he was directing his attention towards <em> her. </em></p><p>"What was that movie you wanted to see?" Five asked her. </p><p>"Which one?" Vanya said. </p><p>"The one… um." Five scratched his chin. "With the couple?" </p><p>Vanya squinted at him. "There are… there are a lot of movies with couples?" </p><p>"The astronauts, then," Five said. "You like astronauts, right?" </p><p>Vanya chuckled. "Sure. Yeah." </p><p>Diego was sitting stiffly on the couch, waiting for them to pick a movie. He was being so quiet. It was starting to make Vanya nervous. </p><p>"So… so one of those," Five said. "Or just… any of the movies I've rejected. Whatever you want. Your choice today." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said. "But why so generous?" </p><p>"Can't I be generous?" </p><p>"You can," Vanya said. "I just… what are you thinking?" </p><p>"Why do you people keep asking me that?" Five said. "It doesn't matter what I'm thinking!" </p><p><em> Uh oh, </em> Vanya thought. <em> Is this question going to get banned too?  </em></p><p>"We're your <em> family," </em>Diego said. "We're not 'you people' we're-"</p><p>"Yes, yes," Five said. "I understand." </p><p><em> "Do </em>you understand?" Diego said. "I don't think you do." </p><p>"It's okay, Diego," Vanya said. "You shouldn't get offended." </p><p>"Why shouldn't-" Diego cut himself off. </p><p>"Finish your thought," Five said, stiffly. </p><p><em> Bad sign, bad sign! </em> </p><p>"Just ignore me," Diego muttered. </p><p>"Wow," Five said. "You throwing a pity party?" </p><p>Vanya blinked. That was something Klaus often said. </p><p>Diego smiled. "Yup. I am." </p><p>Vanya grinned. "Am I invited?" </p><p>"Hell yeah," Diego said. "A pity party is no fun if you're, like, alone." </p><p>Vanya giggled. </p><p>Five was puzzled. "I'm missing context." </p><p>"You know," Vanya said. "Klaus says it's better to sulk as a group." </p><p>"Cause comfort and shit," Diego said. </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "Right. Yes." </p><p>"So we're gonna sulk," Diego said. "As a family." </p><p>That startled a laugh out of Five and Diego <em> beamed.  </em></p><p>That was the moment. That was when Vanya knew they'd be alright. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I made Spotify playlists for each of the siblings xD Check them out if you want? I'm going to share them two at a time. </p><p>So here's Vanya: </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1kLnsV2P1pE6NJW7phgMH6?si=ISeNGOTfQU-DU5NaPdYZig&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p><p>And here's Diego:</p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Z6Pz0lkDetyqeis91rf6o?si=XGUNL_U0R-yh_reXTaZZDA&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Two unhealthy lovers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em> I wish that I had never formed an attachment to anyone in the world. I would be all kindness. I would not have done anything ruinous. I would never have to ask that question: Will I ever be good enough for you? </em>
</p><p><em> ― </em> <em> Yiyun Li </em></p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Ben and Allison had a beautiful friendship. Five enjoyed watching them banter as they cooked together. </p><p>He also loved how easily Allison would let her shields slip down, how she could tickle Ben without asking for <em> consent </em> first... and the way Ben would react: with a delight that rivaled Claire's.  </p><p>But Ben was different from Claire because… when he was around, Allison allowed herself the freedom to play like a little girl instead of a mother who… who had to censor herself for the children. </p><p><em> She'll grow more comfortable with you, </em> Dolores said. <em> You just need to give her time.  </em></p><p><em> Sure, </em> Five thought. <em> But it's fine. Ben visits frequently. I'm glad this rotation has worked out for them.  </em></p><p>The rotation in question: whenever Allison went to New York, Vanya and a companion of her choosing would spend time in L.A. Then, when Allison returned, she would bring Ben with her. </p><p>Ben would stay for a week or two, then go back to New York on his own. </p><p><em> I wish</em>, Dolores sighed. <em> Vanya was as forgiving as Ben. </em></p><p>Five seized on the word 'forgiving' like an archeologist. He dusted it off and studied it for clues. </p><p><em> Don't, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"Right, Five?" Ben said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said, absently. "Right." </p><p><em> Pay attention, </em>Dolores said. </p><p><em> I </em> <b> <em>am </em> </b> <em> paying attention, </em> Five said. <em> I thought the conflict between Allison and Vanya was mutual. I see now that I was wrong.  </em></p><p>Allison laughed. <em> Loudly. </em>It made Five twitch: he recognized that particular laugh. It was a nervous sound. A signal of distress? Potentially.</p><p><em> It </em> <b> <em>is </em> </b> <em> distress, </em> Dolores said. <em> Because of </em> <b> <em>you.</em> </b></p><p>"Apologies," Five said. "I was… lost in my thoughts. Did I miss something?" </p><p>"No, no!" Allison said. "Do you… do you have an appetite?" </p><p>Five frowned. "Yes?" </p><p>"Five," Ben said, gently. "Do you still… you can't tell?" </p><p>"I'm not sure what you're asking of me," Five said. </p><p>"No worries!" Allison said. "Anyway, do you want to taste the mashed potatoes? They came out perfectly." </p><p><em> Ah, </em> Five thought. <em> They want approval? </em></p><p><em> No, </em> Dolores said. <em> They're concerned.  </em></p><p>"Why are you concerned?" Five said. "Did I do something wrong?" </p><p><em> "No!" </em>They both said. </p><p>Five scowled. </p><p><em> Fix your face, </em> Dolores said. <em> You'll make it worse.  </em></p><p>Five took a deep breath and relaxed his facial muscles. </p><p><em> You're hungry, </em> Dolores said. <em> Tell them you're hungry.  </em></p><p>"Are we just tasting?" Five said. "Or can we eat? I'm… I'm ravished." </p><p>Ben squinted at him. </p><p><em> Wrong word! </em> Dolores said. <em> Ben is a wordsmith, you idiot!  </em></p><p>"I'm famished," Five amended. </p><p>Allison grinned widely. Too widely. "Me too! Let's eat." </p><p>"Allison," Ben said. "Can I… can we take a walk first?" </p><p><em> Look what you did! </em>Dolores screamed. </p><p>Five winced. </p><p>Allison spotted it immediately. "No," she said. "We can't take a walk." </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"We're going to eat," Allison said. "Then we're going to watch a movie." </p><p>Ben frowned at his shoes. "But-" </p><p>"No buts," Allison said. </p><p><em> Ben is sad! </em> Dolores said. <em> She's bullying him!  </em></p><p><em> Calm the fuck down, </em> Five thought. <em> Jesus, I know you favor him, but Ben is not a child.  </em></p><p>"We can compromise," Five said. "Eat, then walk. Yes?" </p><p>Ben and Allison made eye contact with each other and Five sighed.</p><p><em> What's the secret? </em> Five thought. <em> Does it have anything to do with Vanya or is it unrelated?  </em></p><p><em> Unrelated, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"I don't want to exclude Five," Ben said. "But…" </p><p>"That's fine," Five said. "I have work to do." </p><p>"Noooo." Whenever Allison wanted to lighten the mood, she would imitate Klaus's whiny antics. "We were going to watch a <em> movie."  </em></p><p>Five pinched the bridge of his nose. "Allison-" </p><p>"Five picked a movie for you, Ben," Allison plowed on. "He <em> really </em>wants you to see it." </p><p><em> That </em> got Ben's attention. "Really?" </p><p>"Don't speak for me," Five muttered. "I hate it when you do that." </p><p>"I'm sorry," Allison said. "I just… I had to… state it on the record.</p><p><em> "For </em>the record," Five said. </p><p>"For the record," Allison repeated, dutifully. "Because I knew you wouldn't, Five." </p><p>"What movie?" Ben said. "Five? What movie did you want me to see?"</p><p>"Ask Allison," Five said, bitterly. <em> "She'll </em>tell you." </p><p>"Don't be like that," Allison said. "I apologized. I'll say it again: I'm sorry for speaking for you." </p><p>Five grunted. </p><p><em> I'm sorry too, </em> Dolores said. <em> I'll be calmer.  </em></p><p>"Thank you," Five said. </p><p>"Can you tell me what the movie is?" Ben said. "I'm dy- I have to know." </p><p>Five rolled his eyes.<em> "Dead Poets Society." </em> </p><p>Ben grinned. "Awesome!" </p><p>Five studied the smile. "You… you've already seen it, haven't you?" </p><p>Ben blinked. "No?" </p><p>Allison chuckled nervously. </p><p>"You <em> have," </em>Five said. "I can see it on your face!" </p><p>"I'm sorry," Ben said. </p><p>"Don't be sorry," Five said.</p><p>"You've seen it too," Ben said. "We saw it toge-" </p><p>"The food is getting cold," Allison said, pointedly. "We going to eat, or what?" </p><p>"I'm not hungry," Five said. </p><p>"I'm sorry!" Ben said. </p><p>"I'm officially banning the word 'sorry' from the Hargreeves lexicon," Five said. "If that word is used in my presence I reserve the right to teleport or hang up the phone."</p><p>"Five," Allison said, reproachfully. "That's unreasonable." </p><p>"I'll tell everyone," Ben said. "I'll add it to the list." </p><p><em> Allison is right, </em> Dolores said. <em> You're unreasonable. </em></p><p><em> Why is Vanya mad at her?! </em> Five thought. <em> What did Allison </em> <b> <em>do? </em> </b></p><p>
  <strong> <em> Nothing!  </em> </strong>
</p><p>"Liar!" Five snarled. </p><p>"I will!" Ben said. "I'll even make sure Diego knows! He said he would make an effort to learn the rules-" </p><p>"Shut up," Five said. "Just… hold on." </p><p>Ben froze like a deer caught in a driver's headlights.</p><p>Allison put her head in her hands.</p><p><em> Dolores? </em> Five knew she wouldn't answer, but he persisted anyway. <em> Come back here! I'm tired of your tantrums. </em></p><p>"Five?" Ben said. "Can you… can you give me a word?" </p><p>"Elaborate," Five said. </p><p>"Just the first word that comes into your head," Ben said. "The best word, for this moment." </p><p>"Spring," Five said. </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "Does that word have a story?" </p><p>Five frowned at Allison. She was sitting so still. She was hiding her face. </p><p>"Is she alright?" </p><p>Allison straightened up. "Yes," she said. "Listen, will you do me a favor?" </p><p>"You know I'll do anything," Five said. "Well… within reason." </p><p>"Can you eat with us?" Allison said. "Please? You promised to eat three meals a day." </p><p>"Fine," Five huffed. "That's easy." </p><p>He picked up a fork and dug it into the mashed potatoes, pointedly shoving a large quantity into his mouth. </p><p>It was cold, but that didn't matter. Food was food. </p><p>Five chewed mechanically. </p><p>Ben took a taste and frowned. "I'll microwave it." </p><p>"No," Allison said. "Use the oven." </p><p>"That'll take too long," Ben insisted. "Just let me-" </p><p>"It'll ruin the taste," Allison said. </p><p>"Tiebreaker," Five said. "I vote microwave." </p><p>Allison pouted. </p><p>"Don't pout," Five said. "You're too cute when you pout." </p><p>That won a smile. "Aw. Fine. Microwave wins." </p><p>"Heck yeah," Ben said. "I'm on it." </p><p>When the food was warm, they finally ate in peace. Then they watched that damn movie. </p><p><em> Dolores will come back, </em> Five assured himself. <em> She always does.  </em></p><p><br/>
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</p><p><em> I'm taking a leave of absence, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"Why?" Five whispered. </p><p><em> It's come to my attention, </em> Dolores said. <em> that I have become obsolete.  </em></p><p>"No," Five hissed. </p><p><em> Yes, </em> Dolores said. <em> I'm an obstacle.  </em></p><p>"No!"</p><p><em> Yes, </em>Dolores said. <em> Keep your voice down. </em></p><p>"Fine," Five said, calmly. "When will you return?" </p><p>
  <em> When I'm needed.  </em>
</p><p>"When?!" </p><p>
  <em> I don't know.  </em>
</p><p>"Unacceptable," Five said. "I demand a full explanation. What's your reasoning here? I can't… fuck." </p><p>She was already gone. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Five teleported into Allison's room. </p><p>"Five," she chided, gently. "You're supposed to knock." </p><p>"Apologies." </p><p>Allison studied him. "What's wrong?" </p><p>Five took a deep breath, then said, "Um… hugs?" </p><p>Allison stared at him, puzzled, then her eyes widened. Quickly, she reached for him. </p><p>Five remained completely still. He'd always been a stoic by nature. A statue to Dolores's swallow. </p><p>Allison stroked his hair with one hand and rubbed his back with the other.</p><p>After a moment, she murmured, "I'm not allowed to ask if you're okay."</p><p>He grunted. </p><p>"Not allowed to ask what you're thinking either," she said, thoughtfully. </p><p>"Sorry," Five said. </p><p>"Ah, ah," Allison said. "That's been banned too, remember?" </p><p>"I'm the exception," Five said. </p><p>"But that's not fair, now is it?" Allison said. </p><p>Five swallowed around the lump in his throat. "I'm… willing to negotiate." </p><p>"Good," Allison said. "I propose an amendment." </p><p>"I… my ears are open." </p><p>Allison chuckled. </p><p>"I'm listening," he grumbled. </p><p>"This was Ben's idea," Allison said. "But he thought you might get mad at him." </p><p>"What was his idea?" Five said. </p><p>"A code. In place of 'what are you thinking.'" </p><p>"It doesn't <em> matter-"  </em></p><p>"Hear me out," Allison said. "Bear with me." </p><p>Tentatively, Five put his arms around her. She continued to rhythmically rub circles against his back. </p><p>"When you're feeling… distressed," Allison said. "Or...you know what? When you're feeling <em> anything. </em>If it's a feeling that feels important, tell me a story." </p><p>"A story?" </p><p>"Yes," Allison said. "Pick a character you empathize with." </p><p>"Fine." </p><p>"I'll give you time," Allison said. "Choose carefully." </p><p>"What?" Five said. "You meant right now?" </p><p>"Yup." </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"No buts." </p><p>He huffed. "I can't-" </p><p>"You can," Allison said. "You're a wordsmith." </p><p>Five frowned at the word. Dolores had used it in reference to Ben.</p><p>"That's not accurate," Five said. "If anything, I'm the inverse." </p><p>"Let's agree to disagree," Allison said. "So c'mon. Give me a story." </p><p>"I'm not a writer," Five said. "I don't have the imagination for that." </p><p>Allison giggled. "No, silly! You don't have to make it up from scratch. Pick a story you've already read." </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "That's what you meant?" </p><p>"Yeah," Allison said. "So just... shoot." </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "Fine. Oscar Wilde's<em> The Happy Prince." </em></p><p>"Great," Allison said. "Tell me about it." </p><p>So he did. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>This was an unusual visit for several reasons. Firstly, it wasn't a holiday or anywhere <em> near </em>a holiday. Secondly, Vanya was absent. </p><p>"I hope you're not disappointed," Ben said. "We just traded places. She's going to come back with Allison this time." </p><p>Five blinked. "They made up?" </p><p>Ben stared at him. Then he glared at Klaus, "I told you not to gossip about them!" </p><p>"I didn't!" Klaus said. </p><p>"You thought it was a secret?" Five said, wryly. "Please. It was obvious." </p><p>Klaus laughed. "Good old Five, he's sharper than a tack." </p><p>Ben groaned. </p><p>"I admit," Five said. "the origin of their conflict has remained allusive, but… well, I suppose it doesn't matter now." </p><p>"Toootally doesn't matter," Klaus said. "Yet here you are, fishing anyway." </p><p><em> "Klaus," </em>Ben said, reproachfully. </p><p>"Just waving at the elephant," Klaus said. "You know I'm a sucker for 'em." </p><p>"You're Prince Ali," Five muttered. </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "I get that reference. Aladdin, right?" </p><p>Klaus tilted his head. "Aladdin? The movie with the genie?" </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "Remember the song where the genie throws, like, a parade? So Aladdin can pretend to be a prince."</p><p>Klaus snapped his fingers. "He pretends to be Prince Aliiiii. Righto." </p><p>Five sighed. </p><p>"I'm Prince Ali?" Klaus said."Wow. I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Five." </p><p>"It. Was. An. <em> Insult," </em>Five said, enunciating carefully. </p><p><em> But that never helps, </em> Five thought. </p><p>Nothing but radio silence from Dolores. </p><p>"Nope," Klaus said. "Totally a compliment. I'm a sexy, rich, party boy prince. For sure." </p><p>Five groaned. </p><p>"What about me?" Ben said. "Do I get a character?" </p><p>"No " </p><p>Ben pouted. </p><p>"Fine," Five said. "Which do you want?" </p><p>"You have to pick for me," Ben said. "Like you did for Klaus." </p><p>Klaus grinned. "Aladdin is pretty stealthy too, isn't he? He's gotta, like, scrape around for bread or he'll starve." </p><p>"You're forever misusing words," Five said. "That's not what 'scrape' means." </p><p>"Words evolve," Ben said, gently. "That's why etymology is so cool, right?" </p><p>Five raised an eyebrow at Ben. "Wow. You <em> are </em>a wordsmith." </p><p>"Aaand I'm bored," Klaus said. "Why was I cursed with such nerds for brothers?" </p><p>Ben half draped himself over Klaus's shoulders. "But you looove us." </p><p>"Of course, I looove you," Klaus said, hugging him. "But I'm boooored!" </p><p>"Tough," Five said. "Go entertain yourself." </p><p>Klaus grinned, then untangled himself from Ben to stand up and salute. "Yessir, Number Five." </p><p>And Klaus trotted off like a dog chasing a frisbee. </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "At least he's well trained." </p><p>"Wooow," Ben snickered. "Yep! Uh huh. Just… yes." </p><p>Ben was such an unusual teenager. He would randomly pull out words like 'etymology' in one moment… and in the next, just… whatever<em> that </em>was. </p><p>"You're Morgiana," Five said. "Do you know who that is?" </p><p>"No idea," Ben said. "Is there a story?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "It's also related to Aladdin, just… more loosely." </p><p>"A background character?" </p><p>"No… you know what?" Five said. "Forget Aladdin. Throw that movie out of your mind." </p><p>"Got it," Ben said. "Starting from scratch: go." </p><p>"So Morgiana was a slave girl," Five said. "Her master was incredibly wealthy, but he basically stole his fortune from forty thieves." </p><p>"That's a lot of thieves," Ben said. </p><p>"Indeed," Five said. "But that doesn't matter. The crux of the story is: the thieves wanted revenge. They planned to kill Ali Baba." </p><p>"Who's Ali Baba?" Ben said. "The rich master?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Sorry, I forgot to name him." </p><p>Ben smiled. "Don't be sorry." </p><p>"Touché," Five said. "Anyway, Morgiana was a humble slave girl. She was a… a wallflower. The thieves didn't notice her." </p><p>"Okay…" </p><p>"Or maybe they got there beforehand," Five muttered. "Maybe they snuck in to hide… while she was elsewhere. Hmm." </p><p>Times like this, Five needed Dolores. </p><p><em> Did you hear that? </em> Five thought. <em> I </em> <b> <em>need </em> </b> <em> you! </em></p><p>"Five?" </p><p>"I've changed my mind," Five said. "You're not Morgiana." </p><p>"I'm not?" </p><p>"She doesn't do you justice," Five said. "I'll think of a better character. Give me time." </p><p>"Thank you," Ben said. "But I didn't mean to stress you out?" </p><p>"What?" Five said. "I'm not stressed." </p><p>"You seem kind of stressed?" </p><p>"I'm <em> not </em>stressed." </p><p>Ben lifted his hands up, as if he were being held at gunpoint, and said something else. </p><p>But Five was stuck, for a moment. </p><p>He was holding a gun to Ben's head, but Ben was older. He had a mustache.</p><p>Then Five was… receiving a hug. </p><p>"I love you," Ben murmured. "I'm here for you." </p><p>"Oh," Five said, shaking himself out of the stupor. "Did I do something wrong?" </p><p>"No," Ben said. "I just… I'm sad." </p><p>"Why?" Five said. "What did I do?" </p><p>"It's unrelated," Ben said. "Um, I asked this girl for her phone number and she laughed at me." </p><p><em> "Oh," </em>Five said, relieved. "You should tell Klaus to throw you a pity party." </p><p>Ben grinned. "He's great at those!" </p><p>"So I've heard," Five said. </p><p>"I'm going to go and tell him," Ben said. "Will you stay here for a minute? While we… we need to go to the store. We need to buy ice cream. For the party." </p><p>"It's not a real party," Five said. "It's a metaphor." </p><p>"I know," Ben said. "But I need comfort food. Is that okay?" </p><p>"Of course," Five said. "When Luther is sad he likes comfort food too. Vanya says it's one of his coping mechanisms." </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "It's a good one. Do you like it too?" </p><p>"Do I like what?" </p><p>"Comfort food?" </p><p>Five frowned. "Um…" </p><p>"It's okay if you don't," Ben said. "There's nothing wrong with that." </p><p>"Don't tell Allison," Five said. "But, generally… I dislike food." </p><p>"Oh," Ben said, looking crestfallen. </p><p>Five scrambled for a substitute and snapped his fingers. "Coffee. I love coffee." </p><p>"I know," Ben said. </p><p>"Would that work?" Five said. </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"As a replacement," Five said. "Instead of comfort food… comfort coffee?" </p><p>Ben frowned. </p><p>"So I can participate," Five said. "In the pity party. Is that not the purpose?" </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "Okay, we'll buy coffee too." </p><p>"No need," Five said. "Allison bought a surplus. She's always doing that. She… she…" </p><p>"She what?" Ben murmured. </p><p>"There's an... overabundance," Five said. "It's... a little stressful." </p><p>"An abundance of coffee?" </p><p>"No, that won't expire," Five said. "I mean the food. I'm forever scrambling to eat the bread before it molds, eat the fruit before it rots, etcetera ad infinitum." </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "When you put it that way, it <em> does </em>sound stressful." </p><p>Five sighed. "But it's her money. I can't police it." </p><p>"That's… I'm proud of you," Ben said. "For recognizing that." </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "You sound like Vanya." </p><p>"Is that a bad thing?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Just… she… she means well." </p><p>"Yeah…?"</p><p>"She's just like Allison," Five said. "Honestly, those two are twins. Figuratively, of course." </p><p>Ben chuckled. "How so?" </p><p>"They're constantly fussing over me." </p><p>"Because they love you." </p><p>"I know," Five said. "But they should love themselves instead." </p><p>"Instead?" Ben said. "Why instead?" </p><p>"Pardon?" </p><p>"Well, why would they need to choose?" Ben said. "Can't they love themselves <em> and </em>you?" </p><p>"You're not wrong," Five said. "But Dol- uh… but… <em> I </em>um… I…" </p><p>"Are you trying to think of a metaphor?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Hold on. Look, I have suspicions." </p><p>"Suspicions?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "That's the wrong word. Wait." </p><p>Of all the Hargreeves, Ben had the most patience. Five suspected it was because the boy knew what it was like to desperately search for the perfect word. </p><p>So Ben simply waited and began to rub those comforting circles against Five's back. </p><p><em> Hmm, </em> Five thought. <em> A pattern. Did he get the habit from Allison?  </em></p><p>Finally, Five said, "I have a theory." </p><p>"Awesome," Ben said. "What about?" </p><p>"Man versus self," Five said. "You've heard of the concept?" </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "It's when a story doesn't have an antagonist." </p><p>"Correction, Ben," Five said. "The protagonist and the antagonist are intertwined." </p><p>"Right," Ben said. "Because the narrator has an internal conflict." </p><p>"Exactly," Five said. "That's what it is." </p><p>"So… you think they have low self esteem?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "That's too simple." </p><p>"You think they have… guilt?" </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "Maybe. But I can't read their minds, so I'm just… I'm constantly <em> guessing. </em> I still haven't been able to pinpoint the problem." </p><p>"But they fixed it," Ben said. "They solved it by themselves. You don't have to worry anymore." </p><p>"No," Five said. "There's something more..." </p><p>"I guess," Ben said. "this is just how we are?" </p><p>"I don't understand." </p><p>"The worrying," Ben said. "We're just stuck with it. All of us."</p><p>"Oh," Five said. "But you and Klaus aren't like that."</p><p>"Yeah, we are," Ben said. "We worry a lot."</p><p>"But you don't fuss," Five said. "Or… actually, Klaus fusses a little bit. But <em> you </em>don't." </p><p>"I don't?" </p><p>"You're better than that," Five said. "You're level headed." </p><p>Spontaneously, Ben burst into tears. The explosive kind; the boy was sobbing. Five could feel him <em>shaking.</em></p><p>"What's wrong?!" </p><p>"I'm not level headed!" Ben wailed. "I'm a fraud!" </p><p>"No, you're not!" </p><p>"I <em> am!" </em>Ben said. "I'm… I'm fussy!" </p><p>"No, you're not!" </p><p>"But I love you!" Ben said. "Please, don't hate me!" </p><p>"I don't hate you!" Five said. "Um… KLAUS!" </p><p>"I got demoted!" Ben sobbed. </p><p>"You've been demoted?" Five said. "When did you get a job?" </p><p>"Klaus is winning!" </p><p>"What?!" </p><p>Klaus burst into the room. "Where's the fire?!" </p><p>By now Ben was clutching at Five with the desperation of a man who… who was about to be evicted from his home? </p><p>"I'm <em> four," </em> Ben said. "I'm still at <em> four </em>hours!" </p><p>"Oh honey," Klaus said. "The numbers are arbitrary." </p><p>"Liar!" Ben yelled. "Go away, Klaus!" </p><p>Klaus tutted. "So we're having a pity party? I'll get the ice cream." </p><p>"Don't you <em> dare </em>leave!" Five said. "You have to comfort him!" </p><p>"Nuh uh," Klaus said. "This is <em> your </em>mess." </p><p>"What did I do wrong?!" </p><p>"Don't <em> ask </em>that!" Ben said. "It's painful!" </p><p>"Jesus Christ," Klaus said. "Another forbidden question?" </p><p>In an act of desperation, Five began to mimic the rhythmic circles. He applied the method to <em> Ben's </em>back, rubbing forcefully. </p><p>Ben was still crying. </p><p>"So… cookies n' cream?" Klaus said. "Then we should watch <em> Inside Out."  </em></p><p>"No!" Ben said. "Not <em> Inside Out!"  </em></p><p>"But you said Five <em> needed </em>to see it," Klaus said. </p><p>"No!" Ben said. "It's the wrong movie!" </p><p>"Why is it the wrong movie all of a sudden?" Klaus said. </p><p>"It's beneath him!" Ben said. "Riley's sadness is too mundane!"</p><p>"Ben," Five said. "I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding." </p><p>"Okay, okay," Klaus said. "I wanna turn this into a group hug, but Vanya says consent is sexy. Can I have consent?" </p><p>Ben sniffled miserably. </p><p>"Yes!" Five said. "Get the fuck over here!" </p><p>Klaus got his arms around both of them and started humming the Happy Birthday song. </p><p>This seemed to finally calm Ben down. </p><p>"Random," Five said. "But if it works, it works." </p><p>"What's random?" Klaus said. "The song?" </p><p>"Isn't it?" </p><p>"Oh my god," Ben said. "Five, it's our <em> birthday."  </em></p><p>"Oh," Five said. "For which of you? Today?" </p><p>"Technically," Klaus said. "it's tomorrow… but this is the birthday weekend. So." </p><p>"Today is <em> Wednesday," </em>Five said. "We're nowhere near the weekend." </p><p>"Close enough," Klaus said. </p><p>"Anyway," Five said. "Whose birthday is it?" </p><p>For some reason, this question reignited Ben's tears. </p><p>"It's okay!" Klaus said. "He forgot, but it's okay! Just a glitch!" </p><p>"He's not a computer!" Ben sobbed. </p><p>"Wait!" Five said. "I remember! You were all born on the same day, correct?" </p><p>"Fuuuck," Ben said. "I thought I was done crying." </p><p>"I'm sorry," Five said. "I'll write it down. I won't forget next year."</p><p>"Klaus!" Ben wailed. "He's too sad! I'm dying!" </p><p>"Shhh," Klaus said. "We're okay." </p><p>Klaus gently rocked their little huddle of hugs. </p><p>"Allison said she told you, Five," Ben said, glumly. "You missed it? You lost time?" </p><p>"Lost time?" Five said. </p><p>"It's okay," Klaus said. "Just a little glitch. It happens to me too." </p><p>Ben groaned. "Vanya says-" </p><p>"Nuh uh," Klaus said. "You don't get to use 'dying' and then police me on 'glitch' you little turd." </p><p>Ben laughed. "Faaaaair." </p><p>"You're both so strange," Five murmured. </p><p>"But I <em> love </em>you," Ben said. </p><p>"I love you too," Five said. "Why do you doubt that?" </p><p>"Because I'm <em> four," </em>Ben said. "I used to be your favorite!" </p><p>"Oh boy," Klaus said. "What happened to 'jealousy is unhealthy' hmm?" </p><p>"Fuck off," Ben grumbled. </p><p>Klaus laughed. "You only listen to Vanya when it's convenient for you." </p><p>"Klaaaaaus," Ben whined. </p><p>"Beeeeen," Klaus mimicked. </p><p>"Fiiive," Ben groaned. "Klaus is bullying me!" </p><p>Five patted Ben on the head. "Um… there there." </p><p>That sent them <em> both </em>into hysterics, startling Five with the… the randomness of it. </p><p>They were crying and giggling simultaneously, as if someone had chained them to a wall and aggressively tickled them.  </p><p>"Are you <em> alright?" </em>Five said.</p><p>"Yes!" Klaus gasped. "Schadenfreude!" </p><p><em> A German word, </em> Five thought. <em> Pleasure in misfortune… a bittersweet emotional catharsis.  </em></p><p>"I understand," Five said. "I felt similarly, when Diego was here." </p><p>Slowly, Ben and Klaus recovered. They stopped laughing, stopped crying, and simply… swayed.</p><p><em> Hmm, </em> Five thought. <em> This rocking must be a self-soothing motion.  </em></p><p>"Vanya said it was rough," Ben finally said. "Um, when Diego was here." </p><p>"A bit," Five said. "But we have an easier time conversing, now." </p><p>"Only took him three months," Klaus said. "To get promoted to three hours." </p><p>Abruptly, Ben wiggled out of their group hug. "Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "Good for Diego." </p><p>"Beeeenny," Klaus said. </p><p>"I want cookies n' cream," Ben said. </p><p>"I <em> see," </em>Five said. "This is about the phone calls, isn't it?" </p><p>"I am not entitled," Ben said, mechanically. "to time or affection." </p><p>"What?" Five said. "That's nonsense." </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "You've gotta-" </p><p>"Ben," Five said. "You <em> are </em>entitled to all the time and affection you need from me. Just say the word." </p><p>"I don't want to be fussy," Ben said. "You decided on four hours from the start…" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Because-" </p><p>"I was just surprised!" Ben said. "It's been almost a year and I'm still at four hours? I started with more time than anyone else, but then they started getting <em> promoted. </em> And now I'm falling behind?" </p><p>"You've misunderstood," Five said. "I was just concerned for your voice." </p><p>"My voice?" </p><p>"Yes, your voice," Five said. "Your throat. Your vocal cords. Your <em> voice." </em> </p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>"On our calls," Five said. "Most of it is you reading to me. I know we also have an analysis and discussion period, but I was worried that-" </p><p>"Five!" Ben said. "You… you're <em> killing </em>me!" </p><p>Five straightened in alarm. "I am <em>so </em>sorry." </p><p>"Whoa, whoa," Klaus said. "When Ben says you're 'killing' him it just means he's, like, overwhelmed with the good kind of confusing feelings." </p><p>"Sorry," Ben said. "Vanya told me it's triggering, but I can't seem to stop?" </p><p>"It's stuck in your brain goop," Klaus said. "Ironic, is all." </p><p>"Okay," Five said. "I've got a solution." </p><p>"You've got a better word for positive types of confused feelings?" Ben said. </p><p>"Um, no," Five said. "Though schadenfreude might fit that description." </p><p>"What?!" Klaus said. "But that's the word for: so sad it's funny." </p><p>"Is that what you think it means?" Five said. "Technically-" </p><p>"One problem at a time," Ben said. "Do I get a promotion?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "We can double our time if I purchase my own copy of whatever book we're on. So I can take a turn with the reading." </p><p>"Hey!" Klaus said. "That's emotional blackmail!" </p><p>"No, it isn't!" Ben said. "I didn't threaten him!" </p><p>"You cried!" Klaus said. "It's the same thing!" </p><p>"No, it <em> isn't," </em> Ben said, bottom lip trembling. "Is it?" </p><p>"Klaus?" Five said. "You're fired." </p><p>Klaus blinked. "From Tuesday calls?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "From comfort duties." </p><p>"Oh," Klaus said. "I can live with that." </p><p>"Good," Five said. "Now go entertain yourself." </p><p>Klaus giggled. "Yessir!" </p><p>And he skipped away looking oddly… jubilant.</p><p>"He likes that way too much," Ben said. </p><p>"Really? Why?" </p><p>"Probably nostalgia," Ben said. "When you say things like that, you remind him of… before." </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "Before October 24th." </p><p>"We've been calling it The Rumor," Ben said. "But yeah." </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "And I suppose the anniversary is almost upon us." </p><p>Ben shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah." </p><p>"Is that a contributing factor?" Five said. "To this whole… this?" </p><p>"Probably," Ben said. </p><p>"Alright," Five said. "But I'm giving you eight hours now. Does that help?" </p><p>"Yes," Ben said. "But I don't want you to force yourself." </p><p>Five groaned. </p><p>"Uh oh," Ben said. "Is that one of those phrases? Damn, is it going to get added to the list?" </p><p>"I'm starting to think," Five said, slowly. "that banning phrases… is a poor attempt to delete the <em> symptoms </em> to a larger problem." </p><p>"That sounds ominous," Ben said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said, frowning thoughtfully. "It probably is." </p><p>"Allison says we need to be careful," Ben said. "Because you drive yourself crazy when you're trying to solve problems." </p><p>"What?" Five said. "No, I don't." </p><p>"You <em> do," </em>Ben said. "I've even seen the younger Five do it." </p><p>Five scowled. "That's… what am I supposed to do with that information?" </p><p>"I'm sorry," Ben said. </p><p>"I <em> loathe </em>that phrase," Five said. "But do you know why?" </p><p>"I have absolutely no Earthly idea," Ben said. </p><p>"Because it has multiple meanings," Five said. "The first is an apology, yes, but the second is self flagellation!" </p><p>"Wow," Ben said. "Flagellation. I don't know that one." </p><p>"It's similar to self deprecation," Five said. "You know <em> that </em>one, I trust?" </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "It's when you insult yourself." </p><p>"Yes!" Five said. "So why do I have to stand here and watch my brother insult himself over and over again?" </p><p>Ben blinked. "Um… but-" </p><p>"So <em> don't. </em>Be. Sorry," Five said. "Don't be sorry!" </p><p>"But Five!" Ben said. "That's Dad's bullshit!" </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"It's the type of thing you must have gotten from Dad," Ben said. "Vanya says we all internalized a lot of-" </p><p>"I don't even <em> know </em>him," Five said. "I've never met the man!" </p><p>"You don't remember," Ben said. "But it's still… it's in your brain goop." </p><p>Five sighed. </p><p>"Are you frustrated?" Ben said. "I'm… that is unfortunate." </p><p>"Forget it," Five said. "Don't censor yourself for my sake." </p><p>"I don't want to trigger you," Ben said. </p><p>"Another irritating word," Five said. </p><p>"Noted," Ben said. "It's gone." </p><p>Five sighed <em> heavily.  </em></p><p>"Tell me what you need," Ben said. "Just… tell me what to do?" </p><p>"I don't know," Five said. "I'm lost." </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "That makes two of us." </p><p>"I'm <em> especially </em>lost," Five said. "More so than usual." </p><p>"It must have been overwhelming," Ben said. "I didn't mean to break down like that."</p><p>"It's alright," Five said. "You… Vanya would be proud of you." </p><p>"She would?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "She says… there's… fuck." </p><p>"I'll ask her," Ben said. "Don't worry." </p><p>"Thank you." </p><p>"Can I ask <em> you </em>something?" Ben said. </p><p>"Just ask." </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "Why haven't you…" </p><p>"Why haven't I what?" </p><p>"It's just that… I keep waiting for you to ask." </p><p>"Ask what?" </p><p>"For the reason," Ben said. "Apparently, you asked everyone else. And no one told you anything, but they were super nervous that I would crack under the pressure as soon as you asked <em> me... </em>but then you never did." </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "Because of Dolores." </p><p>Ben's eyes widened. </p><p><em> Hah! </em> Five thought. <em> I did it, Dolores! I broke the rules, how do you like </em> <b> <em>that? </em> </b></p><p>"She favors you," Five continued. "Vanya too." </p><p>"Um," Ben said. "Are you talking about… the chatbot?" </p><p><em> Say yes, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"Fuck you!" Five said, grinning broadly. </p><p>Ben blinked. </p><p>
  <em> Fuck you too, dear.  </em>
</p><p>"Apologies," Five said. "I was talking to Dolores." </p><p>"Oh my god," Ben said. "She's been with you the whole time?" </p><p><em> I came for nothing, </em> Dolores said. <em> Might as well leave again. You've ruined everything.  </em></p><p>"Sure!" Five said. "Run away! You're a coward!"  </p><p><em> And </em> <b> <em>you're </em> </b> <em> witless!  </em></p><p>"Wow." Five said. "Witless. I couldn't agree more." </p><p>"Five," Ben said. "Are you… fighting? With Dolores?" </p><p>"She's inconsolable," Five said. "She's lost her fucking mind, but she wasn't like this before." </p><p>"Before when?" Ben said. </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "It was in July. Right after your half of the visit." </p><p>"A while ago," Ben said, thoughtfully. "But more recent than I was expecting." </p><p>"To this day," Five said. "She refuses to explain <em> why </em>I must hide her away like some kind of bastard child." </p><p>"Really?" Ben said. "So then… you don't understand her?" </p><p>Five shrugged. "We've been having disagreements. I suppose she's divorced me." </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "I'm sorry for your loss." </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "You're remarkably calm." </p><p>"Vanya says I go numb," Ben said. "Then I explode later." </p><p>"Ah," Five said. "I see." </p><p>"Should I keep this a secret?" Ben said. "That Dolores is still around?" </p><p><em> Yes, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"No," Five said. </p><p><em> For Allison! </em> Dolores said. <em> She'll break if she finds out! The guilt will </em> <b> <em>crush </em> </b> <em> her. </em></p><p>"Guilt?" Five said. "Because she implemented the amnesia?" </p><p>"You mean Allison?" Ben said. "She… she wanted to help you." </p><p><em> You absolutely must not let her find out, </em> Dolores said. <em> Under </em> <b> <em>any </em> </b> <em> circumstances! </em></p><p>"I'm willing to negotiate," Five said. "In exchange for information." </p><p><em> Bastard, </em>Dolores scoffed. </p><p>"What do you want to know?" Ben said. </p><p>"Why did I ask for The Rumor?" Five said. "To what end?" </p><p>"Um…" </p><p><em> Leave Ben out of it, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Five waited while Ben struggled with himself. </p><p>
  <em> Crack under the pressure, indeed.  </em>
</p><p>That voice… wasn't Dolores. </p><p><em> Fuck off! </em>Dolores said. <em> Bastard.  </em></p><p>"Okay, look," Ben said. "It's really confusing because everyone says something different." </p><p>"Elaborate." </p><p>"Allison said it was because of Dolores," Ben said. "But <em> Klaus </em>said she also told him in confidence… like, she didn't want him to tell anyone else-" </p><p>"I know what 'in confidence' means," Five said. "And Klaus is the <em> least </em>trustworthy confidant I've ever met." </p><p>"He said she was drunk at the time," Ben said. "Anyway, she said you threatened to… to…"  </p><p>"Kill myself," Five said. "I know that part, but <em> why?"  </em></p><p>"That's emotional blackmail!" Ben said, scowling. "That's super fucked up." </p><p>"Uh huh," Five said. "But <em> I'm </em>not the one who did it." </p><p>"Huh," Ben said. "Déjà vu." </p><p>"Of?" </p><p>"Baby Five," Ben said. "Um, but I'm getting derailed." </p><p>"So that's two reasons," Five said. "But they look like symptoms to me." </p><p>"Yeah?" </p><p>"What else were people saying?" </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "So I didn't find this one out until <em> after </em>The Rumor… I mean, it was kind of dumb of me. I should have put it together. But I… there was just... a lot was happening, at the time." </p><p>"I'm missing context," Five said. "Don't forget that." </p><p>"Right," Ben said. "How much do you know about the Apocalypse?"</p><p>"The word?" Five said. "It means the end of the world." </p><p>"Shit," Ben said. "So... nothing." </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "I suppose it's also synonymous with 'nothingness' or an absence?"</p><p>"Um…"</p><p>Five snapped his fingers. "Is it one of Klaus's quirky words? Wait, let me guess." </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "Uh, you can guess." </p><p>"Does he use it to describe an emotional crisis?" Five said. "Perhaps… an existential crisis?" </p><p>"Wooow," Ben said. "That's… yes. Just, yes. That… it works." </p><p>"Is Klaus alright?" Five said. "Dolores seems to think he's bipolar." </p><p>"He's seeing a therapist," Ben said. "They haven't diagnosed him yet, but that's possible." </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "I thought Vanya had a monopoly on therapy." </p><p>"She wants us all to go," Ben said, shifting uncomfortably. "I tried it out, but… I didn't like it." </p><p>"Fair enough," Five said. "I have my own reservations." </p><p>"But I think it would be good for you," Ben said. "You should try it out?" </p><p>"Nuh uh," Five said. "You don't get to reject therapy and then say <em> I </em>have to go." </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"No buts," Five said. "Anyway, I digress. Let's get back to the important matter." </p><p>"The amnesia," Ben sighed. </p><p>"Don't play with your words," Five said. "Be clear. Be concise." </p><p>"Right," Ben said. "Um… how much do you know about Baby Five?" </p><p>"Very little," Five said. "We prefer not to interact."  </p><p>"I know," Ben said. "But, like, you never thought it was weird? His existence?" </p><p>"Luther explained it to me," Five said. "It's the result of time travel." </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "So… that's the easy answer. You thought amnesia would solve the paradox. It's the explanation you gave us." </p><p>"What?" Five said. "There isn't a paradox." </p><p>"I know," Ben said. "Baby Five says the Grandfather Paradox is bullshit. But <em> you </em> convinced Luther that it <em> wasn't </em>bullshit… and then Luther convinced Allison…" </p><p>"Ah," Five said. "The puzzle comes together." </p><p>"But I don't think that's why Allison did it," Ben said. "The real reason she did it is… you emotionally blackmailed her." </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "So I lied to get what I wanted… but why did I want it?" </p><p>"I don't know," Ben said. "Vanya thinks you were… she says you were in pain." </p><p>"Interesting," Five said.</p><p><em> "Are </em>you in pain?" </p><p>Five waved this off. "We're not talking about me. We're talking about <em> him."  </em></p><p>"The third Five," Ben said, chuckling nervously. </p><p>"An apt description," Five said, smirking. </p><p>"Okay, so..." Ben hesitated, but then he said, "What does Dolores think?" </p><p>"She's reticent," Five said, glowering. </p><p>"But I thought you could read each other's minds?" Ben said. "Cause, like, she's in your brain goop." </p><p>"I'm starting to think Klaus is a wordsmith too," Five said. "But no, it's a one way street." </p><p>"What is?" </p><p>"Dolores knows everything," Five said. "But she's a vault. I can't see what she sees." </p><p>Ben gasped. "She's a secret keeper!" </p><p>"Yes." </p><p>"She wasn't affected by The Rumor <em> at all?" </em>Ben said. "That's what you mean, right?" </p><p>"That's my theory," Five said. "And the evidence is mounting." </p><p>"Oh my god," Ben said. "She's the third Five!" </p><p>Five blinked. </p><p>"Isn't she?" Ben said. "She knows everything he knew and wants everything he wanted. Doesn't she?" </p><p>"I dislike that theory," Five said. "It sounds incestuous." </p><p>Ben laughed. "It's self love!" Then his smile slipped. "And if you divorce… is it self hate?" </p><p>"No," Five said. </p><p><em> Yes, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Five scowled.</p><p>"It <em> is </em>though," Ben said. "Aw Five! Can I give you another hug?" </p><p>"May I decline?" </p><p>Ben pouted. "You may…" </p><p>"Regardless," Five said. "This doesn't answer my question." </p><p>"I guess not," Ben said. "Are you frustrated? Confused? Grief stricken?" </p><p>"Is that how <em> you </em>feel?" Five said, eyes widening. </p><p>"No!" </p><p>"You're lying," Five said. </p><p>"Um… I lie because I love you," Ben mumbled. "Cause… I wanna protect you."  </p><p>"You need more hugs, don't you?" </p><p>"Yes, please." </p><p>Five opened his arms in invitation. "Proceed." </p><p>Ben threw himself into the hug like a widow reunited with a dead husband.  </p><p><em> He's like Claire, </em> Dolores said. <em> He needs constant reassurance.  </em></p><p>"I love you," Five said. "I should say that more often." </p><p>"I love you too," Ben sniffled. </p><p>"Are you crying?" </p><p>"Noooo." </p><p>"There there." </p><p>Ben giggled. </p><p>"I'll have to keep apologizing for this, I'm sure. But here it is: I am very sorry to have put you through... all of this."  </p><p><em> "No," </em> Ben said, sounding absolutely devastated. </p><p>To lighten the mood, Five borrowed one of Klaus's phrases. "I'll have to whip myself tonight." </p><p>Ben laughed. "No!" </p><p>"Can you think of a better punishment?" </p><p>"Yes," Ben said. "Junk food." </p><p>"Junk food?" Five echoed, confused. </p><p>"Something <em> really </em>fattening," Ben said. "Like pizza?" </p><p>"You mean comfort food?" </p><p>"No," Ben said. "Repentance food." </p><p>"I don't follow," Five said. "What's your logic?" </p><p>"I want <em>you</em> to eat pizza," Ben said, pulling away from the hug. "As a favor? For me?"</p><p>"That's easy," Five said. "But why?" </p><p>"As a substitute?" Ben said. "Instead of whipping yourself." </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "I was being hyperbolic."  </p><p>"I know," Ben said. "But… um… pizza is an important part of the pity party." </p><p>"Alright," Five said. "I'll eat whatever you want me to eat." </p><p>"Thank you," Ben said. </p><p>"I suppose we're having two parties," Five said. "There's also the birthday." </p><p>"Yep, yep, <em> yep," </em> Ben said, in a sing songy way. "Tomorrow you have to eat cake." </p><p>"You're just like Allison." </p><p>"Is that a good thing?" </p><p>"Of course," Five said. "Don't worry." </p><p>"Hey, Five?" </p><p>"Yes?" </p><p>"Can I stay longer this time?" </p><p>"In California?" Five said. "Of course. If that's what you want."  </p><p>"I'm supposed to go back with Klaus," Ben said. "Is it really okay for me to stay? Isn't three people too many people?" </p><p>"Why would it be too many people?" </p><p>"I don't know," Ben said. "It's one of Vanya's theories." </p><p>"I need to get that girl to write her theories down," Five said. "I can't keep track of them." </p><p>Ben <em> cackled </em> with mirth, giggling like a schoolgirl.</p><p>"What's funny?" Five said. </p><p>"Mom does that!" Ben said. "She says 'that boy' or 'that girl' when she's annoyed but also fond of the person she's annoyed with." </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "Yes, that sounds like something Grace would do." </p><p>"We're always copying each other," Ben said. "All of us. Ad infinitum." </p><p>Five ruffled Ben's hair. "Good use of Latin."</p><p>"Am I a good boy?" Ben teased.</p><p>"There you go copying Klaus again."  </p><p>"You copy him too!" </p><p>"Guilty," Five said. "I enjoy his lexicon. Usually." </p><p>"He's got the best phrases," Ben agreed. </p><p>"You guuuuuys," Klaus called from the hallway. "You're killing me!" </p><p>Ben gasped. "You snoop!" </p><p>Ben extracted himself from the hug and charged at the doorway, Five caught a glimpse of Klaus's grinning tear stained face but then both boys were running. </p><p>Five could hear them bickering as they moved about the apartment. While they tussled, they continuously flung playful accusations at each other. </p><p><em> Boys will be boys, </em>Dolores said, fondly. </p><p>"This family is so strange," Five murmured. </p><p><em> But you looove them, </em>Dolores teased. </p><p>"Don't draw your words out," Five said, smirking. "You're not a nine year old." </p><p><em> I'm throwing that rule out, </em> Dolores said. <em> It was Reginald's.  </em></p><p>"I see," Five said. "Good choice." </p><p><em> Thank you, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"So are you staying or going?" Five said.</p><p><em> I don't know, </em> Dolores said. <em> I can't make up my mind.  </em></p><p>"Understandable," Five said. "You're an avoidant lover."</p><p><em> And everyone else is an anxious lover, </em> Dolores said. <em> Well… accept for Allison.  </em></p><p>"She's like us," Five agreed. </p><p><em> You forgot to tell Ben, </em> Dolores said. <em> He needs to keep me a secret.  </em></p><p>"He will," Five said. "That boy is a vault, isn't he always saying so?" </p><p><em> You're not wrong. </em> </p><p>"We can trust him," Five said. "Everything will be fine." </p><p><em> I hope so, </em>Dolores sighed. </p><p>"I know so," Five retorted. </p><p><em> This is just a glitch, then? </em>Dolores said, sardonically.</p><p>"Mayhap." </p><p><em> No, </em> Dolores said. <em> It's a symptom.  </em></p><p>"We should work together," Five said. "We want the same thing, don't we?" </p><p><em> We do. </em> </p><p>"Then why won't you cooperate?" </p><p><em> Ignorance is bliss? </em>Dolores said, tentatively. </p><p>"You know that's a cop out." </p><p><em> Apologies, </em>Dolores murmured. </p><p>"I'll give you time," Five said. "I'll stop pushing." </p><p>
  <em> I would appreciate that.  </em>
</p><p>"Alright," Five said. "Good." </p><p><em> Tomorrow you'll be sixty years old, </em> Dolores said. <em> Roughly.  </em></p><p>"Noted." </p><p><em> But you're fourteen, physically, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"I own a mirror." </p><p><em> I just think… you still have your whole life ahead of you, </em> Dolores said. <em> You shouldn't waste it.  </em></p><p>"I won't," Five said. "I promise, I won't waste it." </p><p>
  <em> Thank you.  </em>
</p><p>"But what about you?" </p><p>
  <em> What about me?  </em>
</p><p>"You deserve a life too." </p><p>
  <em> No.  </em>
</p><p>"Yes!" </p><p>
  <em> Shut up.  </em>
</p><p>"Fine," Five huffed. "Don't mind me." </p><p>
  <em> Don't be like that.  </em>
</p><p>"You know what your problem is?" </p><p>
  <em> I know you're about to tell me.  </em>
</p><p>"You're a hypocrite," Five said. "You think everyone <em> else </em>deserves love and happiness, but you refuse to acknowledge your own needs. You refuse to treat yourself with the same kindness." </p><p><em> Hi pot, </em> Dolores said. <em> Meet kettle. </em></p><p>"Touché." </p><p>
  <em> I'm tired of arguing.  </em>
</p><p>"Likewise."</p><p><em> We are so much of the same mind, </em> Dolores said. <em> I think that's why our marriage is so dysfunctional.  </em></p><p>"Huh," Five said. "I never would have thought of it like that." </p><p><em> Yes, you would have, </em> Dolores said. <em> I am yourself.  </em></p><p>"No," Five said. "You're an individual." </p><p>
  <em> You're in denial.  </em>
</p><p>"Mayhap." </p><p>
  <em> Can I ban 'mayhap' by any chance?  </em>
</p><p>"You cannot." </p><p>
  <em> Fair.  </em>
</p><p>"So… I don't want to alarm you," Five said  "But I think we have an audience." </p><p>
  <em> What makes you say that?  </em>
</p><p>"The silence," Five said. "Klaus and Ben, they've stopped fighting." </p><p>
  <em> Shit!  </em>
</p><p>"It's not like they can hear <em> your </em>half." </p><p><em> Shut up, </em> Dolores said. <em> I'm leaving.  </em></p><p>"Eh, you'll be back." </p><p>She didn't respond, but Five decided that was okay. </p><p>He would be fine without her. </p><p>"I don't need you, Dolores," Five said. "But that doesn't mean I don't love you, alright? Keep that in mind." </p><p>Again, she didn't respond. </p><p>Five shrugged. "I put it on the table. Do what you will." </p><p>Then he teleported and found Ben and Klaus in the hallway, sprawled on the floor half on top of each other. </p><p>"I love you," Klaus said, scrambling up. "So please don't kill me? Also, I'm too sexy to die." </p><p>He reached down to pull Ben to his feet, and Ben huffed a breathless, "Ditto!" </p><p>Five laughed. "I love you too, dumbass. Both of you. All of you. Jesus Christ." </p><p>"Jesus was a martyr," Klaus said. "We're better than that, don't you think?" </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "I can't disagree." </p><p>"Fuck yeah!" Klaus said. "Growth!" </p><p>"Woo!" Ben said. "Progress!" </p><p>"Cheers," Five said. "Let's get ice cream and pizza. I'm… starved." </p><p>"Just a teensie bit," Klaus said. "You're looking good though." </p><p>"I am?" </p><p>"You're very handsome," Ben said. "The most good looking guy in the family." </p><p>Five frowned. "Shut up." </p><p>"Yessir!" Ben said.  </p><p>"Just give us our marching orders," Klaus said. "You're Number One." </p><p>"Correction," Five said. "I'm Number Five. The name was important to you people, wasn't it? Don't go changing it now." </p><p>Ben giggled. "You're being facetious." </p><p>"Huh?" Klaus said. </p><p>"Excellent word, Ben," Five said. "I'll have to promote you again." </p><p>"Not fair!" Klaus said. "I have good words too!" </p><p>"You're right," Five said. "I liked 'schadenfreude' a lot." </p><p>"I deserve a reward," Klaus said, grinning. </p><p>"What would you like?" </p><p>"Ten hours on Tuesdays!" Klaus said.</p><p>"Try again," Five said. "Something physical. That I can give you here and now." </p><p>Klaus opened his arms. </p><p>"Not a hug," Five said. "Something tangible. That you can take to New York with you." </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "A birthday gift?" </p><p>"Shit," Five said. "That's right. It's your birthday. <em> Fuck." </em></p><p>"I don't need a gift," Klaus said, quickly. "That's not my love language."</p><p>"Love language?" </p><p>"It's a therapy thing," Ben said. "Do you want to hear the explanation or should we skip it?" </p><p>Klaus pouted. "Don't skip it!" </p><p>"I'll hear the explanation," Five said. </p><p>Klaus beamed. </p><p>So they discussed 'love languages' and Five was reminded of Vanya's description of the three types of lovers.</p><p>"She told me about that too," Ben said. "Two unhealthy lovers and a healthy one." </p><p>"Jeez," Klaus said. "Maybe one day we'll turn into healthy lovers?" </p><p>"I don't think that's how it works," Five said. "It's already cemented into our psyches. It's from our formative years." </p><p>"The brain goop!" </p><p>"The brain goop," Five agreed. </p><p>"Damn," Klaus said. "That's so sad. Dolores, play Despacito." </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"Ignore him," Ben said. "He's just meme-ing." </p><p>"An unfamiliar word," Five said. "Explain yourselves." </p><p>"But of course!" Klaus said. "Happy to serve, my liege." </p><p>"Eloquent," Five said. </p><p>Klaus preened at the approval. "I can be <em> so </em>eloquent when I want to be." </p><p>Ben rolled his eyes. "But I'm better at it." </p><p>"Nuh uh!" </p><p>"Uh huh!" </p><p>"Nuh uh!" </p><p><em> "Boys," </em>Five said, clapping his hands together like Allison often did. "You've gotten off track. The hell is meme-ing?" </p><p>They explained. Pizza was ordered. Movies were marathoned. </p><p>It was a good birthday. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I love songs. The good ones are like poetry. </p><p>Here's a playlist for Ben: </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ceYyAe3bDHtV5R6M5H3tK?si=u6SHR9Z9S5qf4-yHD1Lr2Q&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p><p>And a playlist for Klaus: </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0oDiQDYXmpwlLTFBV0OVkW?si=kmr4jxKIQvK9uOB9qkZnnA&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Storm under the surface</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Not all who hesitate are lost. The psyche has many secrets in reserve. And these are not disclosed unless required. </em>
</p><p><em> ― </em> <em> Joseph Campbell </em></p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Vanya felt conflicted. On one hand, she was <em> so glad </em>they finally had an excuse to restore Five's memories. </p><p>On the other hand… </p><p>"It's going to be painful," Vanya said. "You spent decades living in isolation. You spent… you spent more years alone than any of us have spent… like, alive." </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "I understand." </p><p>"You've got the facts," Allison said. "But knowing something theoretically and having the <em> experience </em>are two completely different things." </p><p>"Yes, yes," Five said. "Don't procrastinate." </p><p>Luther got down on one knee in front of Five, forcing Five to look down at him. </p><p>"I love you," Luther said. "I want you to know you can rely on us if you feel overwhelmed. You don't need to run away." </p><p>Five frowned. "I won't run away." </p><p>"But you might," Vanya said. "Can we set some ground rules? In case you do?" </p><p>Five sighed. "I'm listening." </p><p>"Great," Allison said. "First: location." </p><p>"I'll go to my room," Five said, dutifully. "I won't leave the apartment." </p><p><em> They've done this before</em>, Vanya realized. </p><p>"Second," Allison said. "Time." </p><p>"No longer than three hours," Five said, sighing heavily. "I <em> know, </em>can we get a move on? I thought this was supposed to be some type of emergency?" </p><p>They hadn't even explained <em> what </em>the emergency was. Five didn't know anything about the Apocalypse Glitch, but as soon as they'd told him his memories were needed to solve a problem he'd agreed to take on the burden. </p><p>"Are you… eager?" Vanya said. "Do you <em> want </em>your memories back?" </p><p>"Of course," Five said. "Wouldn't you?" </p><p>"It's frustrating, isn't it?" Luther said. "Even after all this time?" </p><p><em> "Yes," </em>Five said. "The curiosity is killing me. Is that what you needed to hear?" </p><p>"It's not about what we need to hear," Allison said, sternly. "It's about-" </p><p>"How I'm feeling," Five said, rolling his eyes again. "Did you want me to grovel? Prove my own desperation?" </p><p><em> Desperation </em>was an intense word. Vanya gulped. "You don't have to prove anything," she said. "Right, Allison?" </p><p>"Right," Allison said, warily. "I just wish-" </p><p>"No," Five said. "This is neither the time nor the place." </p><p><em> One of Dad's phrases, </em> Vanya thought. <em> I wish I could scrub them out of his brain goop.  </em></p><p>"Fine," Allison said. "Are you ready?" </p><p><em> "Yes," </em> Five said. "I've <em> been </em> ready. I'm <em> beyond </em>ready. In fact, I'm so far past 'ready' that I'll slip into German if you don't Rumor me now!" </p><p>Five liked to speak in references. This was a new one, but there wasn't time to analyze it. </p><p>"Okay," Luther said. "We should… we should do it." </p><p>"For gods sake," Five said. "Get off the floor. You'll hurt your knees." </p><p>"Baby Five likes-" </p><p>"Do I <em> look </em>like Baby Five?" Five snapped. "Fuck. Don't answer that. Just get on your feet before I smack you." </p><p>Vanya offered Luther a hand up and Luther took it, standing up with an awkward smile. </p><p>"Are we sure this is a good idea?" Allison said. "Shouldn't we… math it?" </p><p>"Allison," Five said, gently. "This mystery problem... would you consider it 'extenuating circumstances' or would you not?" </p><p>Allison sighed. "I would." </p><p>"Then he won't hold it against you," Five said. "His threat will be considered null and void." </p><p>"Don't call yourself 'he'," Vanya said. "The version of you with memories is still you." </p><p>Five scowled. "Technically-" </p><p>"Don't be pedantic," Allison said. "Besides, Vanya's <em> right, </em>if we're being technical." </p><p>"Fair enough," Five said, gruffly. "Just… can we hurry this along?" </p><p>"Yes?" Luther said, glancing at Allison. </p><p>Allison groaned. "Fine! Fine… fine." </p><p>Tentatively, Vanya held out her hand. </p><p>Allison blinked. </p><p>"You can hold my hand," Vanya said. "If you want. Emotional support?" </p><p>Her eyes glistened. "Thank you," Allison murmured.</p><p>They intertwined their fingers and Allison took a deep breath, then turned to Five. </p><p><em> "I heard a rumor," </em> Allison said. <em> "that you regained your memories."  </em></p><p>Five's eyes clouded over in that weird white fog. As usual, it only lasted a second. </p><p>Then his eyes cleared and Five looked at them. </p><p>"How are you feeling?" Vanya said. </p><p>"Fine," Five said. </p><p>"You remember?" Luther said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. </p><p>Allison squeezed Vanya's hand and said, "But how do you <em> feel?"  </em></p><p>"I'm <em> fine," </em>Five said. "Jesus Christ." </p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "But can we… can we have a discussion?"</p><p>Five nodded tersly. "Yes, but one problem at a time." </p><p>"Right," Luther said. </p><p>"Yes. So. You two," Five said, pointing at Luther and Allison. "Do we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees?" </p><p>Luther blushed. "Huh?" </p><p>"What?" Allison said. "No!"</p><p>"I didn't think so," Five said. "But tell me this: are you using protection?" </p><p>"We're not having sex!" Allison said in horror. "What the <em> fuck </em>made you think that?!"</p><p>"It's alright if you are," Five said. "It's none of my business what you do with yourselves." </p><p>Allison stared at him, gobsmacked. Luther covered his face with his hands.</p><p>"Um," Vanya said. "If it's none of your business, why are you asking?" </p><p>Five shrugged. "Just… what was that word you used the other day?" </p><p>"Which word?"</p><p>"That word," Five said. "Damn. It's escaped me."  </p><p>"Hold up," Allison said. "Why… <em> when </em> did you…. is this something that got erased with The Rumor?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "I had no idea things had gotten romantic. Not back then." </p><p>Luther was curling in on himself, pressing his head against his knees with his arms over his head. Trying to hide like a turtle. </p><p><em> Nostalgic, </em> Vanya thought, chuckling nervously. <em> He hasn't done that since he was little.  </em></p><p>"Then <em> when </em> and <em> how </em>did you find out?" Allison said. "Motherfucker! Was it Klaus?" </p><p>"Of course it was Klaus," Five said. "Honestly, it's a wonder he restrained himself as long as he did." </p><p>"Wait a second," Vanya said. "I'm… a little confused?" </p><p>"These two have been flirting," Five said. </p><p>"No, I knew that," Vanya said. "I'm just wondering why you're bringing it up now?" </p><p>Five glanced at the ceiling and shifted slightly on his feet, taking a small step back. Vanya recognized it as a sign of distress. It had taken her months to piece together these little signals, but now that she knew she could act on the knowledge. Carefully. </p><p>"Five?" Vanya said. "What's going on?" </p><p>"I don't know how long I have," Five said, shrugging. "Thought I'd take the opportunity." </p><p>Luther looked up. "Opportunity?" </p><p>"While I have the chance," Five said. "Five is too polite to bring it up." </p><p>"Excuse me?" Allison said. "Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?" </p><p>Five frowned. "Disregard that." </p><p>"Um, no," Vanya said. "We're not going to disregard that." </p><p>Luther had completely forgotten his embarrassment. "Are you okay?" </p><p>Then Luther winced. "I mean, how are you… doing?" </p><p>"Don't censor yourself," Five said. "You shouldn't enable childish behavior like that." </p><p>"Huh?" Luther said. "But you said-" </p><p>"Forget what I said," Five said. "Henceforth, you are forbidden from censoring yourself. Whatever tantrum I might throw, you will ignore it. You have to be firm and-" </p><p>"Wait a second!" Vanya said. "Who are we talking to?!" </p><p>Allison gasped. </p><p>"You're talking to <em> me," </em>Five said. </p><p>"You sound like Dad!" Vanya said. "Are you Dad?" </p><p><em> "What?" </em>Luther said. </p><p>Five glared at her. "You're wrong." </p><p>"You're lying," Vanya insisted. "You have Dissociative Disorder!" </p><p>"Oh my god," Allison said. "What is happening?" </p><p>"Let's remain calm," Five said. "This has nothing to do with that bastard. In fact, I'm insulted by the insinuation." </p><p>"It has <em> everything </em>to do with him!" Vanya said. </p><p>"No," Five sighed. "It's about the Apocalypse, isn't it? That's the root of my fucking trauma." </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"No buts."</p><p>"Five!" Allison said. "You… you can't-" </p><p>"Shut up," Five said. "We should get to work. Time is short." </p><p>"Why?" Luther said. "What's going to happen?" </p><p>"Luther, I'm not an oracle," Five said. "I can no more predict the future than you can predict your love life." </p><p>Luther scratched his cheek. "Um-" </p><p>"I don't know which of us has less control," Five added, chuckling. "Regardless, I don't… look, I know what the problem is." </p><p>"You do?" Vanya said. </p><p>"It's the Commission," Five said. "When they gaffe, it throws me back there. The younger Five too, yes?" </p><p>"You've seen it?" Luther said. "Baby Five said he talked to you and-" </p><p>"Nevermind that," Five said. "Fi- I told him what I knew at the time, but you've undone The Rumor. I've accessed new information." </p><p>"Five," Allison said, glumly. "You almost did it again." </p><p>"Please," Vanya said. "Please, be honest. Are you Dolores?" </p><p>Five sighed. "I don't know how much time I have." </p><p>"But Dolores is a mannequin," Luther said. "She's… she's a mannequin." </p><p>"Mannequins don't talk, you moron," Five said. "I'm insane." </p><p>"You're not insane!" Allison said. </p><p>"It's an illness," Vanya said. "It's not-" </p><p>"Doesn't fucking matter what word you choose," Five said, rubbing his temples. "For fuck's sake." </p><p>"Do you have a headache?" Vanya said. </p><p>"Ha ha," Five said. "Nice try, but I'm wise to your tricks. I'm not like… I've got the context." </p><p>Vanya frowned. "Dolores… can I call you Dolores?" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "Um… but, can we talk about 2019? Can we talk about October?" </p><p><em> "Guys," </em>Luther said. "He said we don't have time." </p><p>Five pointed at Luther, grinning. "He gets it!" </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"Listen," Five said. "Maybe it doesn't matter, but I have… regrets." </p><p>"It matters," Allison said. "Please, elaborate." </p><p>"I can only shield one of them," Five said. "Baby Five is on his own, but maybe we can give him peace of mind." </p><p>"Shield?" Vanya said. "What do you mean?" </p><p>"You <em> know </em> what I mean," Five said. "You and your theories… I <em> know </em>you know." </p><p>Vanya shook her head. "I need to hear-"</p><p>"Don't pretend to be ignorant!" Five said. "You want me to debase myself?" </p><p>"Wow," Luther said. "He really does sound like Dad." </p><p>"This is hopeless," Five said. "Luther, will you come with me?" </p><p>Luther straightened. "Huh? Where?" </p><p>"Doesn't matter," Five said. "We just need privacy." </p><p>"No!" Vanya said. "You don't get to shut me out!" </p><p>"Vanya, I love you," Five said. "But your priorities are out of order." </p><p>"Fuck you," Allison said. "We don't do that anymore. We've banned 'I love you but' in this household." </p><p>"That's <em> childish," </em>Five sneered. "You think policing language will alter your thoughts? No. It's a bandaid. A shoddy one." </p><p>"Guys," Luther said, softly. "You're running in circles." </p><p>Five snapped his fingers. "This is why you're my favorite, Luther." </p><p>"Fuck you!" Vanya screamed. "I hate you!" </p><p>"Noted," Five said, coldly. "That's your prerogative."</p><p>Allison pulled Vanya into a hug and gently murmured, "He was lying, Vanya. He knew it would trigger you." </p><p>"Last chance," Five said. "Luther, you can come with me if you'd like, but I'm leaving regardless." </p><p>Vanya wished she could close her ears. Life would be more bearable if there was a mute button. </p><p>"Where are we going?" Luther said. </p><p>Vanya squeezed Allison tightly. </p><p>In response, Allison rubbed soothing circles against her back. Like Mom always did. It helped.</p><p>"Doesn't matter," Five muttered. </p><p>"It does," Luther said. "Remember the rules?" </p><p>"The rules are arbitrary," Five said. "But fine. If it means that much to you. We'll go to my room." </p><p>"Okay," Luther said. "Um, guys? Me and Five are going to have a talk, but I want you to know this isn't… like… an insult. He asked for me, but he loves you both." </p><p>Allison sighed. "Forget it. Go." </p><p>"Chop chop," Five said, clapping impatiently. "Time is'a wastin'." </p><p>"I'm coming," Luther said. </p><p>When they were gone, Vanya pulled back from the hug. "Did you notice it?" </p><p>Allison rubbed at her eye, a small bit of moisture had gathered in her eyelashes. "Hmm?" </p><p>"At the end there," Vanya said. "Chop chop is one of Mom's phrases." </p><p>Allison blinked. "Oh. And the way he said 'is'a wastin' sounded like Klaus." </p><p>"It surprised me," Vanya said. "Dad would never speak that way." </p><p>"Okay, what the hell," Allison said. "Why did you ask him if he was Dad?" </p><p>"Five has three personalities," Vanya said, shrugging. "Or, he used to… it might be four now." </p><p><em> "What?" </em>Allison said. "How do you know?" </p><p>"I don't know for sure," Vanya said. "It's guesswork." </p><p>"And <em> why </em>is this the first I'm hearing of it?" Allison said. "I thought it was just Dolores!" </p><p>"Didn't you hear him?" Vanya said. "He said I was asking him to 'debase' himself. It means… he's ashamed." </p><p>Allison scowled. "I don't give a flying fuck if he's ashamed." </p><p>"Allison-" </p><p>"You should have told me," Allison said. "I can help." </p><p>"Can you?" Vanya said. "Your help is… is not the type of help I want." </p><p>Allison flinched. </p><p>"I'm sorry-" </p><p>"Fuck off," Allison said. "Fine. But what about Ben?" </p><p>"I told him," Vanya said. "And he's been on the look out. He said Dolores came back in October, but he asked me to keep it a secret." </p><p>"What the fuck!" Allison said. "How could you do that to me?!" </p><p>"We thought you would spiral," Vanya said. "You… you have these guilt spirals-" </p><p>"Fuck. You," Allison said. "I'm going to remove myself from this conversation before I say something I regret." </p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "That's… okay." </p><p>Allison nodded tersly. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>They were having a family meeting. Luther stood at the head of the table with a clipboard and Five <em> sat </em>at the table, with his head in his hands. </p><p>"Five?" Allison said, sitting beside him. "What's wrong?" </p><p>"No," Five muttered.</p><p>Vanya sat across from him and decided she would keep her mouth shut. </p><p>"No?" Allison echoed, glancing at Luther. </p><p>Luther cleared his throat and fiddled with the clipboard. "Uh, so the dates line up. Both Five's were sent to the Apocalypse on October 19, 2019 and on December 28, 2019, then nothing for the whole year in 2020. Then in Feb-" </p><p>"Hold on, Luther." Allison's hand hovered over Five's shoulder, but she didn't touch him. "Five? Talk to me."</p><p><em> "No," </em>Five said, emphatically. </p><p>Then he disappeared. </p><p>Allison stood, looking alarmed. </p><p>Vanya sighed. </p><p>"He went to his room," Luther said, quickly. "He promised. Don't worry." </p><p><em> "What </em>is going on with him?" Allison said. "Did he change personalities again?" </p><p>"It's Ben, isn't it?" Vanya said. "It must have been a shock." </p><p>"What?" Allison said. "What about Ben?" </p><p>Vanya winced. They hadn't given Allison that detail.</p><p><em> This is why lying by omission is unhealthy, </em> Vanya thought. <em> But noooo. I'm always outvoted. </em> </p><p>"Okay," Luther said. "So… it's important to stay calm. But… this last time, all three of them got stuck in the Apocalypse." </p><p>"No," Allison said, firmly shaking her head. </p><p>"No?" Luther said. </p><p><em> "No," </em>Allison repeated, stomping her foot. "Not Ben! No!" </p><p>Looking resigned, Luther finally sat down. "Yeah… that's basically what Five said." </p><p>"Speaking of Five," Vanya said, quickly. "The younger one has been texting me. He wants an update. What should I tell him?" </p><p>Allison glared at the ceiling and began to cry in that careful way she'd always been so good at. Vanya respectfully redirected her gaze towards Luther. </p><p>"Um," Luther said. "So, I told him we need time. And that I would call him tomorrow." </p><p>"I know," Vanya said. "That pissed him off." </p><p>Abruptly, Allison stood. "Five!" She shouted. "I need a hug! Right fucking now!" </p><p>"Whoa," Luther said. "He might not-" </p><p>"Shut the fuck up," Allison said. </p><p>They watched Allison stomp out of the room and Vanya listened intently for Five's voice. </p><p>A door was slammed open. A door was slammed shut. But there were no voices. No arguing. </p><p><em> Did he give her the hug? </em> Vanya wondered. <em> I want a hug too… should I ask?  </em></p><p>Luther rubbed at his face. "Um, I guess we should pause the meeting." </p><p>"Why are we having a meeting, anyway?" Vanya said. "I thought we said we wouldn't have family meetings without the <em> whole </em>family. Didn't we say that? And yet-" </p><p>"Please," Luther said. "Please, you know I respect your ideas. You know I love to take your advice." </p><p>Vanya rolled her eyes. "Sure, I get it. I've been outranked." </p><p>Luther's eyes began to water. "You should have seen his <em> face, </em>Vanya. He was heartbroken." </p><p>"Of course he was heartbroken!" Vanya shouted, ears ringing. They both felt the vibrations, but Luther didn't flinch. </p><p>Vanya took a deep breath. "Of course he was heartbroken," Vanya repeated, quietly. "It's <em> Ben."  </em></p><p>"We'll have a second family meeting," Luther said. "We're not going to exclude anyone. We just… can't we have <em> one </em>day? Can't we… process?" </p><p>Vanya extended her hand across the table, holding it out palm up in invitation. </p><p>Luther's hand was so much larger than hers. It still felt strange, the unusual texture of his palm, but that was easy to ignore. </p><p>"It's good to process," Vanya said, carefully. "I'm sorry for nagging." </p><p>"Please," Luther said, smiling. "Don't be sorry." </p><p>Vanya chuckled. "We should make that the Hargreeves family motto." </p><p>Luther chuckled and before they knew what hit them they were both crying. </p><p>But that was okay. </p><p><em> Crying is important, </em> Vanya thought. <em> And now we get to cry together as a fucking family. </em></p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Five teleported into the guest room.</p><p>"Vanya," he said, breathlessly. "I need consent." </p><p>Tangled in the bedsheets, Vanya scrambled to straighten herself up. </p><p>"Five," she hissed. "You're supposed to <em> knock."  </em></p><p>"Apologies," Five said. "But… um, knocking isn't required if it's an emergency?" </p><p>Vanya crawled to the edge of the bed. "Do you have a headache?" </p><p><em> "Yes, </em>I'm overwhelmed," Five said, quickly. "I'm panicking. I need your consent." </p><p>Vanya quickly stood up. "You need a hug?" </p><p>"No!" Five said. "Travel, we have to get out of here." </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"This fucking apartment has walls as thin as tissue paper," Five said. "The park? Does that work?" </p><p>"It's the middle of the night," Vanya said. "You're not wearing a jacket."</p><p>"That doesn't <em> matter."  </em></p><p>"It does," Vanya said, firmly. "I need you to get out of my room so I can get dressed. You have to wear a jacket. Those are my terms." </p><p>"Deal," Five said. "How long do you need?" </p><p>"Approximately five minutes?" Vanya said. "But… seriously, knock. I don't want you to catch me with my shirt off." </p><p>"Reasonable," Five said. "I will knock." </p><p>He vanished. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Brief contact, Five held her hand to take her with him through the spatial jump. </p><p>But then he let go. </p><p>"Can I hug you?" Vanya said. </p><p>"Is that what you need?" Five said. "Don't play games. I don't need comfort, but if <em> you </em>need comfort I'm always happy to oblige." </p><p>Vanya sighed. "I know." </p><p>"Listen," Five said. "I can't sleep until… until I resolve our conflict." </p><p>Vanya crossed her arms together. "I'm listening." </p><p>"You're my favorite," Five said. "You always have been and you always will be." </p><p>Vanya sighed <em> heavily.  </em></p><p>"I only said what I said to motivate Luther," Five insisted. "That boy is a sucker for praise and he-" </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "Stop it." </p><p>"I'm not asking for forgiveness," Five said. "You can go on hating me. I just needed to state this for the record. Are you listening?"</p><p>"I'm listening."</p><p>"I love you," Five said. "I love you like Apollo loves Artemis, do you hear me?" </p><p>"I love you too," Vanya murmured. "But… you're manipulative." </p><p>"I know," Five said. "I know it's wrong. The ends don't justify the means. You're absolutely right and I will repent until the day I die." </p><p>Vanya frowned. "Are you okay?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "I just need to… it had to be said." </p><p>"Who am I talking to?" </p><p>"Fuck you," Five said. "You're talking to <em> me."  </em></p><p>"Please," Vanya said. "Please, you can't keep doing this to me." </p><p>That was the moment. She broke, but it wasn't explosive like shattering light bulbs or the shrieking Horror. It wasn't loud and obvious, but she began to cry. </p><p>Five hugged her. "I'm sorry!" </p><p>"I want to <em> help </em>you," Vanya said, clutching at him.  </p><p>"You can't," Five said. "I'm sorry, but you just can't. It's out of our hands." </p><p>"Why?!" Vanya said. "Why did you do it?" </p><p>"The Rumor?" </p><p>"Yes!" Vanya said. "Don't you dare lie to me." </p><p><em> "This </em>is why," Five said. "I'm useless! I'm… I'm hurting you." </p><p>"Don't say that!" Vanya sobbed.</p><p>"It's true," Five said. "And isn't he nicer? You and Allison have trained him well. He suits you, no? He's a little rebellious, but-" </p><p>"Dolores!" Vanya said. "You're him too!" </p><p>"I know that," Five said. "But I'm… I'm a wild animal. I'm-" </p><p>"No, you aren't!" Vanya cried. "You're my brother!" </p><p>Five dissolved, re-appearing a few feet away. It was something all of the Fives did when they were afraid. When they couldn't handle someone else's emotions. </p><p>"Please, don't mourn me," Five said. "I'm happy now, hmm? I finally did it. I did it for <em> you. </em> All of you." </p><p>Vanya gasped, her knees buckled and she found herself kneeling on the ground. </p><p>"Are you <em> alright?" </em>Five said. "Shit, fuck! I'll call Allison-" </p><p>"Don't you <em> dare!"  </em></p><p>"I can't help you!" Five said. "I can't help if <em> I'm </em>the problem!" </p><p>"You aren't the problem!" </p><p>"Are you <em> blind?" </em>Five shouted.</p><p>Vanya scrambled to her feet, scrubbed the tears off her face, and spoke clearly and calmly, "What happened in October?"</p><p>"2019's October?" Five took a step back.</p><p>"Yes," Vanya said. "Walk me through your thought process that month." </p><p>"The paradox-"</p><p>"No," Vanya said, firmly. "That's unacceptable." </p><p>"Fine!" Five said. "The paradox is bullshit." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said. "But you were scared. Why?" </p><p>"Paradox Psychosis has nothing to do with the Grandfather Paradox," Five said, mechanically. "Yet it is lethal all the same." </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"Paranoia, homicidal rage, and uncontrollable forces hijack the mind… unspeakable acts may follow." </p><p>"May?" Vanya said. "What acts?" </p><p>"I killed myself!" Five snapped. "I didn't want to hurt Baby Five. Or any of you. I had to quarantine myself, for your own good." </p><p><em> A metaphor? </em> Vanya thought. <em> He tried to 'kill' his personality by erasing his memories?  </em></p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "But it's an irrational fear." </p><p>"No," Five said. "It's a perfectly reasonable fear. You don't understand-" </p><p>"Then help me understand?" </p><p>"I. Cannot. Explain," Five said. "I can't even explain the nature of… I'm broken." </p><p>"You're not broken," Vanya said, gently. "I love you." </p><p>"I'm a serial killer!" Five shrieked. "Do you have any idea how much <em> blood </em>is on my hands?!" </p><p>"I killed Pogo," Vanya said. "I killed… an entire field of Commission agents." </p><p>"It's not the same." </p><p>"It <em> is," </em>Vanya said. "Five, we're a family of murderers. Ben killed his first robber when he was ten." </p><p>"Dad made him do it!" Five said. "He hated it!" </p><p>"I know he did," Vanya said. "You hated it too, right? You're not a bad person." </p><p>"There are no good people or bad people," Five said. </p><p>"Just people living their lives," Vanya agreed. "So why are you… why are you 'killing' yourself? Why is it okay for <em> us </em> to be… to have done what we did… but not for <em> you?"  </em></p><p>"I don't treat myself with the same kindness," Five murmured. </p><p>"Yes!" Vanya said. "Exactly!" </p><p>Five sighed. "Alright. Fine. I acknowledge it." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said. "I'm proud of you." </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "The fact remains… I can't stay." </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>"I've merged with Dolores," Five said. "I… flipped." </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"I'm a photo negative," Five said, insistently. "I'm upside down!" </p><p>"Can you think of a story?" Vanya said. "There's got to be something that fits." </p><p>Five covered his face with his hands. "No," he said. "I don't have a story." </p><p>"We can find it together," Vanya said, quickly. "Genre?" </p><p>Five was trembling, carefully taking deep breaths. Vanya waited patiently. </p><p>"Greek tragedy," Five said, miserably.</p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "There are a lot of options there. Bacchae?" </p><p>"No!" </p><p>"Um… Prometheus?" </p><p>"Don't be dramatic," Five scoffed. "No. You know what? Forget the Greeks. I'm Chicken Little." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said. "I understand. You've been catastrophizing." </p><p>"That's a new one," Five muttered. </p><p>"It's like paranoia," Vanya said. "It's when someone assumes the absolute worst will happen. In every possible scenario." </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "Accurate. But in <em> my </em> case, the worst <em> can </em> and <em> will </em>happen." </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "That's irrational." </p><p>Five scowled. "We always end up here. I hate that word." </p><p>"I'm sorry," Vanya said. "But you <em> have </em>to believe me. What will you do otherwise? Run away? Canada?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "I saw what that did to the family. Never again." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said.</p><p>"That's why I came up with this," Five said. "It was the best solution." </p><p>"The Rumor?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "At the time, I didn't realize what the consequences would be." </p><p>"What consequences?" </p><p>"Listen to me carefully," Five said. "I. Have. Merged. With. Dolores." </p><p>"But you <em> are </em>Dolores," Vanya said. "Aren't you?" </p><p>"Yes and no," Five said. "I'm the third Five <em>and </em>Dolores. It was an accident. I didn't want to survive, but my fucking brain goop is too sticky, I guess!"</p><p>She tried to process that. </p><p>"Did you hear me?" Five said. </p><p>"Um," Vanya said. "The words… were captured. The words were recorded." </p><p>Five sighed. "I knew you wouldn't understand. That's alright. I still love you." </p><p>"I love you too," Vanya said. "I'm <em> so </em>sorry for crying. I didn't mean to scare you." </p><p>"What?" Five tried to make eye contact, but quickly gave up, staring upwards instead. "You didn't." </p><p>"I know it freaks you out," Vanya said. "You can't handle tears. You-" </p><p>"No," Five said. "That's not accurate." </p><p>"Isn't it?" </p><p>"Ugh," Five said. "Mayhap." </p><p>"It's okay," Vanya said. "We've made a lot of progress tonight. I'm so proud of you." </p><p>"I don't need you to be proud of me," Five said, glaring at her. </p><p>"I'm proud of you anyway," Vanya said. "You can't stop me." </p><p>He huffed. </p><p>"Listen," Vanya said. "It's late. We should go back. Sleep is important." </p><p>"Sleep is important," Five echoed, bitterly. </p><p>"Is there anything else you want to get off your chest?" Vanya said. "Anything important?" </p><p>Five pursed his lips. "No, but I have a request." </p><p>She eyed him warily. "What kind?" </p><p>Five clasped his hands behind his back and cleared his throat. "Luther is too big." </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"He's in my room," Five said. "Sharing the bed with Ben is one thing, but Luther? Luther is large." </p><p>"Oh," Vanya said. "I thought Allison set you up on the couch?" </p><p>Five scowled. "What couch? There isn't a couch." </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"I burned the couch to the ground," Five said. "It's gone." </p><p>Vanya blinked. "You're… being hyperbolic." </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "I'm a coward." </p><p>That was the clue she needed. It clicked: Five wanted to spend the night in the guest room with her. </p><p><em> "Oh," </em>Vanya said. "You want hugs, then?" </p><p>Five sighed. "Yes and no." </p><p>"I'm confused." </p><p>"They're too awkward," Five said. "I hate how awkward they are. It kills me." </p><p>"How awkward… hugs are?" </p><p><em> "Yes," </em>Five said. "I prefer the sleeping type." </p><p>"The sleeping type… of hugs?" </p><p>"Yes!" Five pinched the bridge of his nose, then said, in a voice that sounded as sad and miserable as that of a child who'd lost their night light, "Why is that so hard for you people to understand?" </p><p>It broke her heart. "I'm sorry," Vanya said. "I get it." </p><p>"No," Five said. "You don't." </p><p>"I will," Vanya said. "I just need to process it." </p><p>Five bit his lip and shook his head. </p><p>"You're tired, aren't you? Let's go to sleep," Vanya said. "So you can show me?" </p><p>"Fine." </p><p>Five held out his hand and Vanya took it, closing her eyes for the dizzying jump back to Allison's apartment. </p><p>Quickly, Five let go of her hand and got into the guest bed. He didn't bother to remove his shoes or his jacket, but Vanya talked him into taking them off pretty quickly. They'd grown skilled at negotiating.</p><p>Then they were lying down under the blanket. Five was tense beside her. </p><p>"I'm only going to explain this once," Five said. "Don't you dare ask me later. And don't bring it up in front of Baby Five. He would die from pure mortification." </p><p>"Okay." </p><p>"I'm like a cat," Five said. "That's what Ben says anyway. I think it works." </p><p>"Okay?" </p><p>"So… sleep hugs," Five said. "Have to be casual. Most of the time, it's like this." </p><p>Carefully, Five scooted so that his body was up against hers. They were aligned, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, leg to leg. </p><p>"This is the easiest," Five said. "A difference between me and Baby Five: I don't like being constrained." </p><p>"Oh," Vanya said. "That makes <em> so </em>much sense, considering." </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "But I like your warmth. I like being up against someone. I'm not anti-hug, mind you. Don't be afraid to ask for hugs when you need them." </p><p>"You're kind of contradicting yourself?" </p><p>Five sighed. "I do that." </p><p>"You were forcing yourself." </p><p>"I am forever forcing myself," Five admitted. "Because I love you." </p><p>There was a lump in her throat, but Vanya desperately swallowed it. </p><p>"I understand," she whispered. "I love you more." </p><p>"I love you the most." </p><p>"I love you the most-est." </p><p>Five chuckled. "It's nostalgic, when you do that." </p><p>"I should do it more often," Vanya said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "You should." </p><p>Later, Vanya would think back to this moment. She would replay it in her mind and think, <em> I should have stayed awake.  </em></p><p>But they went to sleep, comfortably nuzzled against each other. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>"Vanya?" Five whispered. "What time is it?" </p><p>She opened her eyes and squinted at him. "Hmm?" </p><p>He was sitting up with his back to the headboard, knees to his chest. Staring at her intently.</p><p>"I don't want to alarm you," Five said, slowly. "But… I am alarmed." </p><p>Vanya sat up. "What's wrong?" </p><p>"I've lost time," Five said. "I've never lost this much time before? But… I don't…" </p><p>Five rubbed at his forehead in frustration.</p><p>"You had a flashback?" </p><p>"Pardon?" </p><p>"You know… you got stuck in a traumatic memory?" </p><p>Five scowled. "What traumatic memory?" </p><p>Vanya took a deep breath. "Okay. Pause."</p><p>She checked the time. It was 6:43 a.m. If she had to guess, they'd gotten at least four hours of sleep. Maybe five.</p><p><em> That's acceptable, </em>Vanya decided. </p><p>She gave him the time. </p><p>"The fuck," Five said. "So… Allison chickened out? Backtracked?" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"Did we already solve it?" Five said. "Did I threaten to kill myself?" </p><p>Vanya blinked. "Um… who am I talking to?" </p><p>"Excuse me?" </p><p>"What's the last thing you remember?" </p><p>"Allison was going to give the memories back!" Five said. "So what the fuck happened?" </p><p><em> "Fuck," </em>Vanya said, emphatically. "You… is Dolores with you?" </p><p>Five sighed. "Was it Klaus?" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"The tattle tale," Five said. "But why am I asking? I know it was Klaus."</p><p>Vanya sighed and picked up her pillow, hugging it to her chest. "Actually, I didn't realize Klaus was in on it." </p><p>Five's eyes widened. "Little Ben? <em> Wow. </em>So much for the vault." </p><p>There was a lump in her throat, but she swallowed it. </p><p>"I guess that just goes to show you," Five said, bitterly. "You can never tell with this family." </p><p>"Are you mad?" </p><p>"No point," Five said. "Fuck it." </p><p>Abruptly, he teleported to the other side of the room. "I'll be on the couch if you need me. No offense, but sharing a bed with a young woman like yourself is… not proper, at my age." </p><p>"Wait." Vanya spoke calmly and remained carefully seated. She knew by now that desperately throwing herself at Five would terrify him. "I'll tell you what happened. I can explain what you missed." </p><p>"No," Five said. "You'll lie." </p><p>"What?" Vanya said. "No, I won't."</p><p>"Yes. You. <em>W</em><em>i</em><em>ll," </em>Five hissed. "That's the thing with you! All you Hargreeves. You lie and you lie and you lie. Ad infinitum. You've proven yourselves untrustworthy." </p><p>"I'm the exception!" Vanya said. "When have you caught me in a lie?" </p><p>He studied her. "You play mind games." </p><p>"I do? When did I do that?" </p><p>"You-" Five winced, rubbing at his forehead. "Fine! Shut <em> up."  </em></p><p>She started to lean forward, but restrained herself, pressing her back to the headboard and squeezing her pillow. </p><p>"Dolores is yelling at you," Vanya said.</p><p>Five tutted. "That woman is forever fussing over you." </p><p>"I'm sorry," Vanya said. "It must be frustrating. But aren't you tired of fighting? Let's work together. All three of us." </p><p>Five sighed. "Fine. Tell me this: why were you mad at Allison?" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"You think you were subtle?" Five said. "When she was in New York you were here. Every time. You were carefully crafting the visits in order to avoid her. For <em> months." </em></p><p>"Right," Vanya said. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." </p><p>"Why are you sorry?" </p><p>"Because I was being mean," Vanya said. "I thought it was important, though. I thought it was justified. I didn't want to condone her behavior. She meant well, but…" </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "She always means well. Every one of you is like that." </p><p>Then his eyes widened. "I'm a dumbass." </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"I'm an asshole!" Five said. "Fuck, or I must have been in denial?" </p><p>"What are you talking about?" </p><p>"It's ironic," Five said. "I fancy myself a genius, but here I was toddling around with my fucking head in the ground like- <em> fuck."  </em></p><p>He teleported and Vanya could hear him yelling from another room, "Luther! Where are you?!" </p><p><em> Is Luther really his favorite? </em>Vanya thought. </p><p>She groaned, and curled up around her pillow. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>"So," Luther said. "Um, it looks like there was a mix up." </p><p>"Uh huh," Five said. "Sure." </p><p>Allison leaned against the fridge, looking calm. But Vanya suspected there was more going on under the surface. </p><p>There was always a storm under the surface. </p><p>"Should I try again?" Allison said. </p><p>At the same time, Luther said no while Vanya said yes.</p><p>Allison tutted, then turned to Five. "Tiebreaker?" </p><p>"Fuck that," Five said. "How do I know you even <em> tried, </em>huh? How can I know what's real and what isn't?" </p><p>Allison knelt in front of him and held up her hand, palm up.</p><p>Five sighed, but took it. </p><p>"You're perfectly reasonable," Allison said. "I see now that my behavior has been contradictory. I recognize it." </p><p>"Sure," Five said. "Listen, you want a word? Here's one I learned from Vanya. Gaslighting." </p><p>Allison winced. "That's… fair." </p><p><em> Oh my god, </em> Vanya thought. <em> I never thought anyone would call her out on it!  </em></p><p>"So you admit it?" Five huffed. </p><p>"Yes," Allison said. "And I'm <em> so </em>sorry. But I love you." </p><p>"But I love you," Five repeated, sardonically. "That's just as bad as I love you but." </p><p>Allison nodded. "You're absolutely right."  </p><p>Five avoided the eye contact Allison was trying to hold with him, but it was a small kitchen; he glanced around, eyes flitting over Luther and then lingering on Vanya. </p><p>Then he closed his eyes. </p><p>"Five?" Luther said. "Do you trust me?" </p><p>Five opened his eyes and glared at Luther. <em> "Yes," </em>he said, angrily. "You're the only one I trust." </p><p>Vanya hugged herself and took deep breaths. </p><p>"Thank you," Luther said. "I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't. Instead… all I have is my word." </p><p>"Go on," Five said, stiffly. </p><p>"It's up to you," Luther said. "We can try again and if it doesn't stick we can try <em>again.</em> We can keep going… ad infinitum. If that's what you want." </p><p>"It's a boulder," Five grumbled. </p><p>Vanya gasped. "I'm Sisyphus!" </p><p>Five blinked. "Um, yes. That's my point." </p><p>Luther nodded. "I remember that story. A Greek myth." </p><p>"Dad loved the Greeks," Allison sighed. </p><p>"Does that mean you don't want to try again?" Vanya said. "What about Dolores?" </p><p>Five groaned. </p><p>"What about her?" Luther said. </p><p>Five took his hand back from Allison and teleported, but he didn't leave the kitchen. He just put more space between himself and them. </p><p>"Five?" Allison said. "What are you thinking?" </p><p>"She's trapped," Five said. "I have a plan, but she thinks I'm a dumbass. Maybe she's right." </p><p>"A plan?" Vanya said. "What plan?" </p><p>Five clutched at his head, squeezing his eyes shut. </p><p>"Is she shouting?" Vanya said. "Does it hurt?" </p><p>Five disappeared. </p><p>"Um," Luther said. "I think I'm missing context." </p><p>"I'll explain," Vanya said. "But we should take a walk." </p><p>"Okay," Allison said. "I'll text Five to let him know we're going. We'll walk. Then we're having another family meeting." </p><p>"A small one or a big one?" Luther said. "Also, the younger Five has been spamming me. I need to call him." </p><p>"You can't do that in here," Allison said. "Five will eavesdrop. But it pisses him off. He says he hates eavesdropping and, um, it's our fault for 'forcing' him with our loudness." </p><p>"The park, then," Luther said. "I'll call him while we're over there." </p><p>"It's a plan," Vanya said, warily. </p><p><em> How many times will we plan? </em> She thought. <em> And how many times will we fail?  </em></p><p>Allison put a hand on her shoulder. "Listen to me," she said, fiercely. "We. Are. <em> Not. </em>Sisyphus." </p><p>"But… aren't we?" Vanya said. </p><p>"No," Luther said. "We're doing our best. Ben says it's a rollercoaster, that's all." </p><p>Allison glanced at him. "Huh? What is?" </p><p>He shrugged. "Life." </p><p>Vanya sighed, smiling wistfully. "Ben <em> would </em>say that." </p><p>"Yeah," Luther said. "But, like, we aren't going to… we can't be discouraged. We have to stay strong. Together. For each other." </p><p>Vanya nodded. "Ego strength." </p><p>"That's a new one," Allison said. "Definition?" </p><p>"It means having a strong foundation," Vanya said. "Like, when bad things happen you can adapt to them. You can deal with them because you have all the tools you need." </p><p>"Tools?" Luther said. "Like healthy coping mechanisms?" </p><p>Vanya grinned. "Aw. You're my favorite too, Luther." </p><p>He chuckled. "We shouldn't play favorites." </p><p>Allison was tearing up. "You're <em> both </em>my favorites! Everyone is my favorite!" </p><p>"I love you too," Vanya said. "Group hug?" </p><p>"Fuck yes," Allison said. </p><p>They hugged, clutching at each other like soldiers preparing to go to war together. </p><p>Then they went to the park. </p><p><em> At least the ducks are cute, </em> Vanya thought.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A playlist for Allison: </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/117YQzGH40tltEwAvS20LH?si=CPMMt42ZQeWm8bw-Er3_vQ&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p><p>And a playlist for Luther: </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/307LoalG9EqnxUzIJ0qj8U?si=d5JuBy4DTOKBDyDszSyzzg&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Never you mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em> All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. </em>
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  <em> ― Anatole France </em>
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</p><p><em> Family is bullshit, </em> Five told himself. <em> The fucking rules are bullshit, communication is bullshit, and so is Mother's Day. </em></p><p><em> Don't be like that, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"Fuck off." </p><p><em> I will, </em> Dolores said. <em> If you address me out loud one more time.  </em></p><p>"I'll address you however I fucking please," Five said. "Run away. See if I care." </p><p><em> You care so much it's painful, </em> Dolores said. <em> But alright. We could use another break.   </em></p><p>Five chose not to respond. </p><p><em> Just promise me, </em> Dolores said. <em> Promise to behave yourself? Grace deserves-  </em></p><p>"Fuck you," Five said. "Grace deserves nothing from me. Nor do you. Nobody deserves anything." </p><p>Dolores did not respond, but Five could feel her disapproval. It was a weight that tried to strangle him. </p><p>"Fuck off!"</p><p>The knocking made him flinch. </p><p>"Do you need help?" Allison said, from the other side of his bedroom door. "Can I come in?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Go away." </p><p>"Okay," Allison said. "Know this: I love you." </p><p>"Fuck. Off." </p><p>"Five… what if my plane crashes, hmm?" Allison said. "What if this was our last conversation? Is this really how you want to say goodbye?" </p><p>"Fuck you!" Five hissed. "Emotional blackmail!" </p><p>"Fuck me," Allison said. "You're right. I'm so sorry." </p><p>The word 'sorry' had become a trigger. </p><p>Five curled in on himself, he pressed his face against his knees. He held his breath.</p><p><em> I will not cry, </em> Five told himself. <em> I must not cry.  </em></p><p><em> No, </em> Dolores said. <em> That's Reginald's rule. Throw it out.  </em></p><p>These were the words that broke him. </p><p>Five cried. </p><p>Allison knocked insistently. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"No," Five sniffed. "I'm… I'm dying?"</p><p>"Can I help you?" Allison said. "Please." </p><p>"Fuck off!" </p><p>Allison was crying too. He could hear it in her voice. "I'm so sorry! I'll never do it again!" </p><p>"No!" </p><p>"Don't hate me!"</p><p>"Go away!" </p><p>"I love you to the moon and back," Allison said. "I love you like Artemis loves Apollo!" </p><p>"I'm Niobe, god damn you!" Five said. "I'm Niobe!" </p><p><em> And I'm Amphion, </em>Dolores said.</p><p>"Exactly," Five whispered, sniffling. "Schadenfreude."</p><p>Five rocked himself and took deep breaths, even while toying with the idea of suffocation. </p><p>Allison did not respond for some time. </p><p>"I don't know who Niobe is," Allison said, calmly. "Will you tell me?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Fuck off."</p><p>"Okay," Allison said. "I still love you. Because my love is not conditional, do you understand?" </p><p>Five chose not to respond. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Eventually, Allison gave up. She left. Off to New York with Claire. </p><p>And the rotation began again. </p><p>"And again," Five griped. "And again and again and again." </p><p><em> Ad infinitum, </em> Dolores agreed. <em> But keep your chin up. It'll be alright.  </em></p><p>"I fucking know that," Five said. "Don't pretend to be my mother." </p><p><em> According to you, </em> Dolores said. <em> You have no mother. So, I must take on the role.  </em></p><p>"When did I ask you to do that?" Five scoffed. "No. I won't accept that." </p><p><em> Fair enough, </em> Dolores said. <em> Listen, I know I make things hard for you.  </em></p><p>"Don't say that," Five said. </p><p><em> It's true, </em> Dolores said. <em> Regardless, I will endeavour to be… calmer. And not just for this visit.  </em></p><p>Five snorted. "Uh huh. Sure." </p><p><em> I'll try my best, </em> Dolores amended. <em> Luther says that… that's all we can do.  </em></p><p>"Since when do you take advice from Luther?" </p><p><em> I don't know, </em> Dolores said. <em> That boy has matured, is all. He's got a good head on his shoulders. </em></p><p>"Alright," Five said. "That's good? Um, sounds like progress." </p><p><em> Wow, </em> Dolores said. <em> Are you trying to therapize me?  </em></p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Can't I?" </p><p>
  <em> I suppose that's your right. </em>
</p><p>"Damn straight." </p><p><em> Perfect, </em> Dolores said. <em> Good phrase.  </em></p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "Now you're just jerking me off." </p><p><em> Fuck yeah, I am, </em> Dolores said. <em> And so what? We'll say I'm fulfilling my wifely duties.  </em></p><p>Five grinned. "Nuh uh. I'm wise to your tricks." </p><p><em> Aaaaw, </em> Dolores cooed. <em> They grow up so fast.  </em></p><p>That made them both laugh. </p><p>Diego had a tendency to approach as if he were a zoo keeper trying to feed the lions.</p><p>"What's funny?" Diego said, carefully. "You good?" </p><p>"An inside joke," Five said. "Never you mind." </p><p>Diego chuckled nervously. "You're always saying that." </p><p>"Which part?" </p><p>"Never you mind," Diego said. "It used to piss me off." </p><p>"Sorry?" Five said. </p><p>"Nah," Diego said. "It was stupid. There wasn't anything wrong with it. It just… it sounded stiff?" </p><p><em> It sounded like Reginald, </em> Dolores said. <em> But language is language. You can reappropriate it.  </em></p><p>"Good job," Five said. "For... realizing that." </p><p>Diego snorted. "Uh huh." </p><p>Diego reached out, but hesitated, his hand hovering in the air uncertainly. </p><p>"Um," Diego said. "Can I have, like, permission to touch your head?" </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. "You don't have to ask." </p><p>Diego grinned and ruffled his hair. </p><p>"My <em> babies," </em>Grace said. "You're so cute!" </p><p>She had snuck up from behind them with a devilish grin. "Does this count as a gift, Diego? I want to count it. So I shall!" </p><p>Diego laughed. "If you want. Sure." </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "That's alright. I got you a Mother's Day card. Warning, it's in my room. I'll be back in a blink." </p><p>"Thank you for the warning," Grace said. </p><p>Five nodded cordially and jumped to his room, quickly retrieving the card. </p><p>When he returned, he handed it to her with a polite smile. </p><p><em> Good boy, </em>Dolores said. </p><p><em> Shush, </em> Five thought. <em> I'm not a dog. </em> </p><p>"I'm going to kiss you," Grace announced. </p><p>"I see," Five said. "Proceed." </p><p>Grace giggled and kissed him on the cheek, then lightly rubbed her nose against his. </p><p>When she was done, Five touched his nose and frowned. "The heck was that?" </p><p>"A nose kiss," Grace said. "A bunny kiss?" </p><p>Diego cleared his throat. "What about me?" </p><p>Grace grinned. "You get one too." </p><p>Five frowned at them disapprovingly. "PDA." </p><p>"The fuck," Diego said. "So it's only fine between you two?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "It's age appropriate." </p><p>"Aw," Grace said. "Don't be like that. You're never too old for bunny kisses." </p><p>"Yeah, Five," Diego said. "Listen to Mom." </p><p>"Yeah, yeah," Five said. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Catherine was a disappointment, but that wasn't her fault. Five was determined to treat the woman with kindness. </p><p>"Don't mind me," Catherine said. "It's for Luther, hmm? He doesn't have to know my origin." </p><p><em> And what a silly origin, </em>Dolores said, wryly. </p><p><em> Shut up, </em> Five thought. <em> Don't rub it in.  </em></p><p>The final design for Catherine was a respectable and sturdy woman, muscled and 5 foot 11, with a brunette pixie cut and a cheshire charm. </p><p>"Excuse you," Catherine said. "Don't be rude. You've been addressed." </p><p>"Apologies," Five muttered. "We're in agreement, of course." </p><p>"Excellent," Catherine said. "Now, chin up. You look as sad as an unwatered plant." </p><p>Grace approached their table, arms laden with a casserole of some type.  </p><p>"Don't you worry, Catherine," Grace said. "I'll water him so thoroughly, he'll drown!" </p><p>"Ha ha," Five said. "You're forever trying to feed me." </p><p>"You don't eat enough, dear," Grace said. </p><p>"I eat exactly as much as is necessary," Five said. "And not a morsel more." </p><p>From the kitchen, Diego's voice rose loudly enough for them to hear, "But <em> why </em>is he depressed?" </p><p>Five sighed. </p><p><em> Ben was right, </em> Dolores said. <em> Four people is too many people.  </em></p><p>"Shut up," Five muttered. </p><p>"I'll tell them," Catherine said. "I'll send them to the park."  </p><p>"No," Five said. "This has gone on too long." </p><p>Five teleported into the kitchen, startling Luther and Diego. </p><p>"I'm so sorry," Luther said. </p><p>Five flinched. </p><p>"Shit," Luther said. "I meant… we, uh, we're having a fight, but it's not a big deal." </p><p>Five glared at him. "It's always a big deal to you people." </p><p>"Fuck off," Diego muttered. </p><p>"It's true," Five insisted. "You act like the sky is falling." </p><p><em> Excuse you? </em> Dolores said. <em> That's rude.  </em></p><p>"You're irrational," Five continued. </p><p><em> Fuck you, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"Look," Diego said. "We love you." </p><p>"I know that," Five said. "For fuck's sake." </p><p>"Maybe now's a good time for a family meeting?" Luther said. </p><p>"I <em> loathe </em>family meetings," Five said. "You lot just yell over each other's heads like headless chickens!" </p><p>"A small one," Diego said. "Just the three of us." </p><p><em> "No," </em>Five said. "I refuse." </p><p>"But we need to talk about your feelings," Luther said. "Allison noticed-" </p><p>"Fuck off!" Five said. </p><p>"Dude," Diego said. "Can you… can't we just help you?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "You cannot." </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"Do you want me to eat?" Five said. "Or shall I skip lunch and quarantine myself?" </p><p><em> Emotional blackmail, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Luther's eyes widened at the threat. "We'll eat," he said, quickly. "We'll eat quietly. We can watch a movie? Take our food to the TV room?" </p><p>"Certainly not," Catherine called from the doorway. "We're not barbarians." </p><p>Five sighed. "I concur." </p><p>Diego glared at Catherine. "We've been over this," he said. "You're not our mom." </p><p>"Of course not," Catherine said. "I'm your auntie. I'm your second cousin, your long lost brother, and your faithful bodyguard all rolled into one sturdy and handsome package." </p><p>Five laughed. </p><p>Luther smiled. "Um, well put." </p><p>"The food will get cold!" Grace called, from the dining room. "Don't dilly dally!" </p><p>Diego sighed. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Five was hyper-conscious of the eyes on him as he ate. He resented it. </p><p><em> They're concerned, </em> Dolores said. <em> That's all. It's love.  </em></p><p><em> I don't want this love, </em> Five thought. <em> It's oppressive.  </em></p><p>
  <em> Don't be like that.  </em>
</p><p>"And then he made me stand up," Grace was saying. "So he could publicly announce his love for me." </p><p>"He's done it to all of us," Luther said. "I think Klaus just wants to emphasize the point? Cause he thinks we don't believe it when he says it the normal way." </p><p>"Dumbass," Diego said, chucking. "Of course we believe it." </p><p>"He's a charming fellow," Catherine said. "A real wordsmith." </p><p>Five winced. </p><p>"You have a headache?" Luther said. </p><p>"Fuck off," Five said. "I know what that means now." </p><p>"Huh?" Diego said. </p><p>"I'm sorry," Luther said. "Vanya just thought-" </p><p>"Shut up," Five said. </p><p>He tried to rush through his food, shoving an excessively large portion into his mouth. </p><p>Five gagged. </p><p>"Careful, honey," Grace said. </p><p>"Are you a boy or a pig?" Catherine said. "Mind your manners." </p><p>"Fuck you!" Diego said. "You can't talk to him like that!" </p><p><em> Breathe, </em> Dolores said. <em> You're okay. We're okay.  </em></p><p>Carefully, Five chewed his food. </p><p><em> Good boy, </em> Dolores said. <em> Don't you dare spit it out.  </em></p><p>"Calm down," Catherine said. "You're too emotional." </p><p>"Fuck. You," Diego hissed. </p><p><em> It's just food, </em> Dolores said. <em> It's batteries. It's fuel. We'll get through this quickly, hmm? </em></p><p>"Guys," Luther said. "We shouldn't be fighting like this. It makes it worse." </p><p>"I hate her," Diego said. "Something's wrong with her." </p><p><em> Wrong with her? </em> Five thought. <em> But she's perfect. The only loss is for </em> <b> <em>you.</em> </b></p><p><em> Mayhap, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>Finally done with the food, Five took a large gulp from his tea. </p><p>"Sweetie," Grace said. "We've talked about this. You shouldn't project-" </p><p>"F-fuck off!" Diego said. "I hate that w-word." </p><p><em> Good heavens, </em> Dolores said. <em> I think he needs a hug. Should we give him one?  </em></p><p>"I'm sorry," Grace said. "It's gone." </p><p>Catherine tutted. "You shouldn't censor yourself, Grace." </p><p>"It's fine," Grace said. "It's no loss." </p><p>Abruptly, Diego stood up. </p><p>
  <em> Don't let him storm off! </em>
</p><p>Five teleported behind Diego and threw his arms around him. </p><p>"Shit!" Diego said. "Five?" </p><p>"Emotional support?" Five said. "I think that's what this is called." </p><p>"Aw," Grace said. "Klaus says it's called 'bromance.' But I'll call 'emotional support' synonymous, shall I?" </p><p>"Technically," Catherine said. "That's not what synonymous means." </p><p>Diego took a deep, calming breath. "Can I turn around?" </p><p>"No," Five said. </p><p>"Why not?" Diego said. </p><p><em> "I'm </em> hugging <em> you," </em>Five said. "Don't you try and flip this around, asshole." </p><p>Diego chuckled. </p><p>"Guys?" Luther was grinning. "Am I allowed to take a picture?" </p><p>At the same time, Five said no while Diego said yes. </p><p><em> Don't be like that, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"Just take the photo," Catherine said. "Why do you need permission?"  </p><p>"Cathy, dear," Grace said. "I know you mean well, but consent is sexy."</p><p>Luther laughed. "Ditto." </p><p>"Very well," Catherine said. "If it means that much to you." </p><p>Diego was tense beneath Five's awkward hug. </p><p><em> Should I let go? </em>Five thought. </p><p><em> Don't you dare, </em> Dolores said. <em> This is a battle of wills.  </em></p><p>"Five?" Luther said. "Did you hear me?" </p><p>"Sure," Five said. </p><p>Luther pointed his phone at them. </p><p><em> Hey! </em> Five said. <em> That's not what I meant. </em></p><p>
  <em> Let it go, dear.  </em>
</p><p>"Five," Grace said. "Will you finish your food? For me?" </p><p>"It's not for you," Five said. "That's a trick." </p><p>"It's not a trick," Luther said. </p><p>Slowly, Diego shuffled himself sideways and tried to put an arm around Five. </p><p>Five teleported back to his seat. "Fine! Fuck." </p><p>
  <em> Good-  </em>
</p><p>"Shut up," Five said. "I am <em> not </em>a good boy." </p><p>"Oh honey," Grace said. "You're the <em> best </em>boy." </p><p>Diego sat back down too. "I am sorry," he said, mechanically. "for losing my temper." </p><p>"Forgiven," Luther said. "Thank you for apologizing." </p><p>Catherine rolled her eyes. "This family. I swear." </p><p>Five snorted. "Concur." </p><p>Catherine smiled at him, soft and sweet as <em> the Happy Prince's </em>swallow. </p><p><em> Oh my, </em> Dolores said. <em> Are you having an affair?  </em></p><p>Five laughed. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>"Do you want to go to the park?" Luther said. </p><p>"No," Five said. "I know what happens there." </p><p>"Bro," Diego said. "Don't make it sound so shady." </p><p>"It <em> is </em>shady," Five said. "You're scheming." </p><p>"We just want to check in," Luther said. "We want to catch up?" </p><p>"C'mon," Diego said. "It's easy. It's just words." </p><p>"You want a word?" Five said. "Here's a word: suffocation." </p><p>"That's an intense word," Luther said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "It is." </p><p>"What did Allison do?" Diego said. "What was the fight about?" </p><p>"Never you mind," Five said. </p><p>"You're not obligated," Luther said. "We don't need the details. I just want to know, are you doing okay? In general?" </p><p>Five shrugged. </p><p>"Look," Diego said. "Ben has a theory." </p><p>Five sighed. "Of course he does." </p><p>"He says it's because you finished the robot," Diego said. </p><p><em> "Catherine," </em>Five said. "Don't call her 'the robot' for Christ's sake." </p><p>"Whatever," Diego said. "You need a new hobby? Is that it?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "I'm not a child. I don't need to be entertained." </p><p>"It's not about being a child," Luther said. "We all have our projects. We need them." </p><p>"What about a dog?" Diego said. </p><p>Five wrinkled his nose. "They poop." </p><p>"No," Diego said. "Like, a robot dog? The next project?" </p><p>Five blinked. </p><p>"Huh," Luther said. "That's not a bad idea." </p><p><em> Absolutely not, </em> Dolores said. <em> No more robots.  </em></p><p>"Why not?" Five said. </p><p>Dolores did not respond, but Five felt her resignation. </p><p><em> What's bothering you? </em> Five thought. <em> Is it because I failed?  </em></p><p>"Major Tom," Diego said. "You with us?" </p><p>"Sure," Five said. </p><p><em> Dolores? </em> Five thought. <em> Get back here, young lady!  </em></p><p>"Forget the park," Luther said. "Want to go to the zoo? Claire showed me the pictures, but I kind of want to see for myself." </p><p>"You do that," Five said. "I'll stay here." </p><p>Diego rolled his eyes. "That ruins it." </p><p>"I don't care," Five said. "I'm… I'm going on a date with Catherine." </p><p>This failed to provoke Dolores. She was gone. Thoroughly gone. </p><p><em> "What?" </em>Diego said. "You can't do that!" </p><p>Luther was studying him. "Uh… I didn't know you felt that way." </p><p>"My business is my business," Five said. </p><p>"No," Diego said. "You can't." </p><p>"Can't what?" </p><p>"You can't <em> date," </em>Diego said. "You're a minor." </p><p>"Factually incorrect," Five said. "I am over thirty years your senior." </p><p>Luther rubbed his chin. "But Catherine is a kid? Sort of." </p><p>"You can't do it," Diego said. "No. Not with her. Pick someone else." </p><p>"Why?" Five said. </p><p>"She's abusive," Diego said. </p><p>Luther blinked. "What? No, she isn't." </p><p>Five tilted his head. "You mean like Allison?" </p><p>They stared at him, gobsmacked. </p><p><em> Fuck, </em> Five thought. <em> Did I fuck up again? Dolores?!  </em></p><p>Diego knelt in front of him and held out his hand, palm up. </p><p>Five frowned at the Allison-like gesture. </p><p>"Hold my hand," Diego said. </p><p>Five squinted at him. "Why?" </p><p><em> This is so odd, </em> Five thought, glancing at Luther. <em> What did I do wrong? </em></p><p>But Dolores remained silent and Luther stood stock still. Frozen like a statue.  </p><p>"It's important," Diego said. </p><p>"Boys!" Grace called, playfully. "Where are you hiding?" </p><p>"Luther?" Diego said. "Can you distract them?" </p><p>Luther nodded mechanically and walked off. </p><p>Five took a step back. Away from Diego. </p><p>"No," Five said. "Luther? Come back." </p><p>"Eyes on me." Diego finally put his arm down, but he remained on his knees. "Luther can't deal with this." </p><p>"With what?" Five said. "Don't play games." </p><p>"Listen to me," Diego said. "I need to know what Allison did." </p><p>"Why?" Five said. "Are you mad at her too?" </p><p>"Yes," Diego said. "But she's not in trouble. We just… we need to figure out what the problem is. We need to talk it out." </p><p>Five frowned. "I already know what the problem is." </p><p>"You do?" Diego said. "Wanna let me in on it?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Stand up." </p><p>Diego stood and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest. </p><p>"You're a problem solver," Diego said. "But you can't do everything alone, right? Let me be your Number Two."</p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"We'll be partners," Diego said. "Whatever the problem is, we'll solve it together, yeah?" </p><p>"It's not something that can be fixed," Five said. "It's just something to live with." </p><p>"Alright," Diego said. "But what is 'it' exactly?" </p><p>"I can't explain." </p><p>"You can," Diego said. "Want to try one of those metaphors? Or a story?" </p><p>Five sighed. "Forget it. I know you hate that."  </p><p>"No," Diego said. "I won't forget it. You called Allison abusive." </p><p>"It's emotional abuse," Five said. "Not physical." </p><p>"Okay," Diego said. "But why do you say that?" </p><p>Five frowned. "Ask Vanya." </p><p>"Sure," Diego said. "I'll do that, but I also want your side." </p><p>"Look," Five said. "I'll get over it. I know she didn't mean it." </p><p>Diego glared at him, then rubbed a hand over his face. He took a deep breath. </p><p>"Sorry," Five said. </p><p>"Why?" Diego said. </p><p>"I don't mean it either," Five said. "It's difficult." </p><p>"What is?" </p><p>"Choosing my words," Five said. "I'm walking on eggshells. Why do you have to be so sensitive?" </p><p>Diego scowled. </p><p>"Shit," Five said. "Fuck, you see? I did it again." </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"I emotionally abused you," Five said. "It was an accident, see?" </p><p>Diego blinked. "Oh. Um, that's not abuse." </p><p>"It isn't?" </p><p>"No," Diego said. "Shit! You scared me." </p><p>"I didn't mean to scare you," Five said. "Sorry." </p><p>"It's okay," Diego said. "But… damn." </p><p>Diego covered his face with his hands. </p><p><em> It's a signal! </em> Five thought. <em> Distress!  </em></p><p>"What's wrong?" Five said. "Diego? Should I get Grace for you?" </p><p>Diego put his hands down. "Huh? No." </p><p>"I can't help you," Five said. "Grace is good at it." </p><p>"Good at what?" </p><p>"Comfort duties," Five said. "I'm firing myself." </p><p>"Comfort duties," Diego echoed. "Uh… what do you mean fired?" </p><p>"I'm terrible at it," Five said. "I'm no good." </p><p>Diego frowned. "I don't think we're on the same page, bro." </p><p>Five sighed <em> heavily. </em>"Figures."</p><p>Diego shifted uncomfortably. "We just have to find the right words." </p><p>"No," Five said. "It's not about the words. It's my fault." </p><p>"How is it your fault?" </p><p>"I can't human," Five muttered. "I don't know why I'm like this." </p><p>Diego looked crestfallen. </p><p>"Sorry!" Five said.</p><p>"Why?" Diego said. "Why do you keep apologizing?" </p><p>"I finally realized it," Five said. "This whole time, I was so stupid." </p><p>"What did you realize?" </p><p><em> "I'm </em>the problem," Five said. "Me. It's me." </p><p>"What?" Diego said. "No, you aren't." </p><p>"Yes. I. Am," Five said. "Because of me, Vanya and Allison didn't talk to each other for a <em> year."  </em></p><p>Diego winced. </p><p>"Aha!" Five said. "You knew about it!" </p><p>"It's complicated," Diego said. </p><p>"No," Five said. "It's simple. I'm to blame." </p><p><em> "No," </em>Diego said. "Remember what Luther said? Throwing blame around is counterproductive. We have to forgive each other." </p><p>"I know," Five said. "I'll be nice to Allison when she gets back, okay? Don't worry." </p><p>"But what about you?" </p><p>Five tilted his head. "Huh. Déjà vu." </p><p>"God fucking dammit," Diego said. "I need a motherfucking translator, Jesus." </p><p>"It's French." </p><p>"I know it's French!" Diego said. "I know what it means, but I'm missing context." </p><p><em> "I'm </em> the one missing context," Five said. "Remember? And I'll never get it back." </p><p>Diego shook his head. "W-we… th-they… fuck." </p><p>"Are you alright?" Five said. "Um… hugs?" </p><p>"I'm fucking tongue tied!" Diego said.</p><p>Five tilted his head. "Because of your latent stutter?"</p><p>"No," Diego said. "Yes, but more than that." </p><p>Five squinted at him. "Meaning?" </p><p>"It's a song," Diego huffed. "By Faber Drive." </p><p>"Understood." Five said, grinning. "Disappearing in three, two-" </p><p>"Wait!" Diego said. "Why? Don't fucking leave." </p><p>"I have to look up the song," Five said.</p><p>Lightning quick, Diego fumbled for his phone. "I'll show it to you," he said. "We can listen to it together?" </p><p>Five nodded. "And sulk as a family?" </p><p>Diego grinned. "Exactly!" </p><p>"Alright," Five said. "That works too." </p><p>They listened to the song. </p><p>It made sense. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Luther was in distress. Once again, Five knew what the problem was. </p><p><em> They should let me quarantine myself, </em>Five thought. </p><p>Instead, Luther insisted on a walk to the park. Just the two of them. </p><p>"Listen," Luther said. "We have a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms in this family." </p><p>"I know," Five groaned. "I've already heard this lecture." </p><p>"It's important," Luther said. "This is really important, Five. Please, hear me out." </p><p>Five huffed. </p><p>"It's nice of you to be forgiving," Luther said. "It's important to empathize and to realize that… that people sometimes do bad things with good intentions." </p><p>"Exactly," Five said. "I know that." </p><p>Luther shook his head. "But that doesn't mean we let them keep doing it." </p><p>"Keep doing what?" </p><p>"The bad things," Luther said. "When we notice them, we have to point them out." </p><p>"I know that!" Five said. "I <em> have </em>been." </p><p>"You have?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "That's how I hurt Allison."</p><p>Luther sighed. "Oh. That makes sense." </p><p>"And it murders me," Five said. </p><p>"It murders you?" </p><p>"Yeah," Five said. "Killing doesn't work because it's too positive." </p><p>"Oh," Luther said. "And murder is negative?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Look, I've added 'abuse' to the list."</p><p>"The forbidden words list?" Luther said, eyes widening. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "So cheer up? I didn't realize it would trigger you, but now that I know-" </p><p>"Wait," Luther said. "Wait a second." </p><p>"What's wrong?" </p><p>"Let's sit down," Luther said. "Let's find a bench." </p><p>They found a bench. They sat. Luther was quiet, but Five knew by now that he was like Ben. </p><p>Five waited. </p><p>"Listen," Luther said. "I've been talking to Vanya." </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. </p><p>"She thinks you have self worth issues." </p><p>"I <em> know," </em>Five said. "She's wrong." </p><p>"Is she?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "I'm a genius." </p><p>Luther chuckled nervously. "Right, but-" </p><p>"No buts," Five said. "I'm tired. I'm… I'm setting a boundary." </p><p>"Okay," Luther said. "What boundary?" </p><p>"I want to go home," Five said. "Then, I want to lock myself in my room. I want to be alone for <em> four </em>hours." </p><p>"Okay," Luther said. "I get it. Thanks for telling me." </p><p>"Your welcome." </p><p>"I love you," Luther said. </p><p>"I love you too," Five said. "When the four hours are up, we can go to the zoo." </p><p>"Um… the zoo will be closed by then?" </p><p>"Crap." </p><p>"We can go tomorrow," Luther said. "Deal?" </p><p>"Deal." </p><p>"Before we go home," Luther said. "I have one more question." </p><p>"Okay." </p><p>"What did you use for Catherine's code?" </p><p>Five winced. </p><p>"Is it a touchy subject?" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"It's okay if it is," Luther said. "You don't have to answer." </p><p>"Do you not understand how 'questions' work?" </p><p>"I do," Luther said. "It's me letting you know what I'm thinking. What I'm curious about. But you aren't obligated to answer." </p><p>"Yeah, right." </p><p>"I'm serious," Luther said. "I'm not entitled-" </p><p>"Shut up!" Five said. "Just… shut up." </p><p>"Alright," Luther said. "Ready to leave?" </p><p>"Are we walking or teleporting?" Five said. </p><p>"I'd rather walk," Luther said. "But it's up to you." </p><p>"Ugh," Five said. "We can walk." </p><p>"Thank you," Luther said. </p><p>"Don't thank me." </p><p>"Why not?" </p><p>"I don't deserve gratitude." </p><p>"You don't?" </p><p>"No." Five scowled at him defiantly. "I fucking don't. Just shut up." </p><p>Luther studied him. </p><p>Then he nodded. "Let's go." </p><p>And they walked home in motherfucking peaceful silence, for once. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Here's the playlist for Five: </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3qefaBUGqbXiTf2559ACIX?si=5dzhQ2C5TAe8LWMXgERhsQ&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p><p> </p><p>And a playlist for the Hargreeves: </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2lwuIa3LJfGkOqXzbRKqWo?si=v3MfC-0WQMWznnnB22WQAw&amp;utm_source=copy-link</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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